The Boondocks

DEFENSE ATTORNEYS WHO DEFEND THEM.

THIS IS ONE OF THEIR STORIES.

JUST FINISHED UP WITH THE CLERK.

HE'S SHOOK UP BUT OKAY.

SAID THE GUY JUST FLIPPED OUT, STARTED DANCING LIKE

MICHAEL JACKSON, THEN SHOWED A GUN AND ROBBED THE PLACE.

PERP WAS A BLACK MALE, AROUND 19, REALLY SEXY --

SEXY?

EXACTLY HOW SEXY?

DIMPLES, "HONEY BROWN" COMPLEXION, CHISELED ABS, EXTRA

SHINY CHAP-STICKED LIPS...

DAMN, THAT IS SEXY.

THERE'S ONLY ONE 19-YEAR-OLD BLACK MALE THAT MATCHES THAT

SEXY PROFILE.

PRETTY BOY FLIZZY.

NEVER HEARD OF HIM.

UM, ONLY THE HOTTEST UP-AND-COMING R&B STAR!

YOU'VE HEARD OF HIS SONGS -- "TITTY TELETHON"?

"PLEASURE ME ORALLY"?

"DON'T TOUCH MY ANUS, GIRL"?

HOW WOULD I HAVE HEARD THIS?

OKAY, I KNOW YOU'VE HEARD, "YOU MAKE ME WANNA UNH!"

ALL DAY LONG ON THE RADIO, THAT'S ALL I HEAR, EVEN ON THE

WHITE STATIONS.

NO, I HAVEN'T HEARD "YOU MAKE ME WANNA UNH!"

THAT'S DISGUSTING.

EH, IT'S NOT MY THING, BUT IT'S WHAT PASSES FOR R&B NOW,

ALL RIGHT?

WHAT CAN I SAY?

I GOT TEENAGE DAUGHTERS.

THEY'RE INTO BLACK GUYS, SO THIS IS WHAT I GOT TO HEAR.

WHAT HAPPENED TO THE GOOD OLD DAYS WHEN BLACK SINGERS WOULD

DRESS IN HIGH-HEEL BOOTS OR BURN HOOKERS WITH CRACK PIPES?

YOU'RE SHOWING YOUR AGE, MY FRIEND.

FLIZZY'S IN TOWN, DOING A SHOW AT WOODCREST POST PAVILION

TONIGHT.

I WAS HOPING TO GO.

NOW I HAVE AN EXCUSE.

BUILDER REFUSED

INSPIRATION THAT MADE LADY SING

COME

TILL THE WAR IS WON

GRANDDAD, WHAT WE GOT TO EAT?!

Granddad: RENT!

Riley: I'M HUNGRY!

Granddad: THEN HAVE SLEEP FOR DINNER!

YOU CAN EAT TOMORROW.

YOU'RE GETTING FAT ANYWAY!

THE SECURITY-CAMERA FOOTAGE YOU'RE WATCHING IS ALLEGEDLY OF

R&B SUPERSTAR PRETTY BOY FLIZZY HOLDING UP A LIQUOR STORE IN

WOODCREST.

WHILE IT IS DIFFICULT TO CLEARLY SEE THE SUSPECT'S FACE,

AUTHORITIES SAY HIS SEXINESS IS AN EXACT MATCH.

THIS ISN'T FLIZZY'S FIRST RUN-IN WITH THE LAW.

LAST YEAR, HE RECEIVED FOUR MONTHS PROBATION AFTER BEATING

HIS THEN-GIRLFRIEND CHRISTIANNA LIVE ONSTAGE DURING THE GRAMMYS.

I'D JUST LIKE TO APOLOGIZE TO ALL MY FANS FOR BEATING MY HOT

R&B GIRLFRIEND.

I LET MY FANS DOWN.

WITHOUT YOU, I WOULDN'T EVEN HAVE AN R&B GIRLFRIEND TO BEAT.

A YEAR BEFORE THAT, FLIZZY RECEIVED A TWO-YEAR SUSPENDED

SENTENCE FOR SMUGGLING AUTOMATIC WEAPONS FROM NICARAGUAN REBELS.

I'D JUST LIKE TO APOLOGIZE TO ALL MY FANS FOR SMUGGLING

AUTOMATIC WEAPONS FROM SOUTH AMERICAN DEATH SQUADS.

I MAKE NO EXCUSES, OTHER THAN IT WAS A REALLY GOOD DEAL AND THEY

WERE THROWING IN A LOT OF FREE AMMUNITION.

SIX MONTHS AGO, FLIZZY WAS ARRESTED FOR FIGHTING IN THE

V.I.P. SECTION OF A NIGHTCLUB WITH NICKI MINAJ.

I'D JUST LIKE TO APOLOGIZE TO ALL MY FANS, FOR FIGHTING IN THE

V.I.P. SECTION WITH NICKI MINAJ.

IN MY DEFENSE, I THOUGHT SHE WAS A ROBOT SENT FROM THE FUTURE TO

KILL ME.

WOODCREST TEA PARTY CHAIRMAN UNCLE RUCKUS STAGED A SMALL

PROTEST AT THE VENUE TODAY.

Ruckus: WHO KEEPS GIVING THESE HIGH-YELLOW FELONS RECORD

CONTRACTS?!

OH, OH, IT'S JUST A RECORD YOU SAY!

WELL, WHITE FOLKS, YOU WON'T BE SAYING THAT WHEN THE NIGGA THAT

SINGS ON THAT RECORD COMES TO TOWN AND IMPREGNATES ALL THE

WHITE WOMEN OF CHILD-REARING AGE!

AND THAT IS EXACTLY WHAT HE PLANS TO DO!

JUST THINK OF ALL THE GOVERNMENT MONEY AND FOOD STAMPS THAT THEM

LITTLE MIXED-RACE QUADROON NIGGA CHILDREN WILL BE CONSUMING!

AND THEY CONSUME A WHOLE LOT MORE THAN REGULAR CHILDREN

'CAUSE THEY EATIN' FOR TWO RACES!

OTHERS FELT DIFFERENTLY.

I DON'T CARE WHAT ANYONE SAYS.

FLIZZY CAN WHUP MY ASS ANYTIME!

COME ON! BEAT IT UP, FLEEZY!

WHOO!

Sarah: I WANT YOU TO GET MAD AT ME, ONCE IN AWHILE, YOU KNOW?

Tom: IF YOU WOULDN'T MIND...

Granddad: TURN THAT DOWN.

NOW LISTEN, LISTEN. Shh!

Sarah: I'M TIRED OF IT!

IT'S BORING!

IT'S BORING ME TO DEATH!

Tom: SARAH, PLEASE CALM DOWN!

I SAID I APOLOGIZE!

Sarah: THERE YOU GO AGAIN.

YOU'RE DOING IT AGAIN!

Tom: DOING WHAT?

Sarah: APOLOGIZING!

Tom: YOU DON'T WANT ME TO APOLOGIZE?

Sarah: NO, I DON'T!

Tom: OKAY, I'M SORRY I'M APOLOGIZING.

Sarah: YOU DID IT AGAIN!

Tom: SARAH, CALM DOWN!

I'M SORRY.

I'M SORRY!

I CAN'T STOP!

Sarah: OH, I SWEAR TO GOD, TOM, IF YOU APOLOGIZE AGAIN, YOU

ARE OUT OF HERE!

Tom: I'M -- MM.

OKAY.

THEN JUST TELL ME WHAT TO DO.

Sarah: THAT'S THE PROBLEM, TOM!

I DON'T WANT TO TELL YOU WHAT TO DO!

I WANT YOU TO DO WHAT I WANT YOU TO DO BUT BECAUSE YOU WANT TO

DO IT!

Tom: WHAT?!

BUT WHY NOT JUST TELL ME?!

Sarah: BECAUSE!

NO WOMAN WAKES UP AND SAYS, "GEE, I HOPE MY MAN DOES

EVERYTHING I TELL HIM TO TODAY."

YOU'RE THE MAN, TOM!

SOMETIMES I WANT YOU TO DOMINATE!

TAKE CONTROL!

IF I'M OUT OF LINE, PUT ME IN CHECK!

Tom: SURE, HONEY.

WHATEVER YOU SAY.

Sarah: OHH! TOM!

Tom: FINE!

I HEAR YOU!

FROM NOW ON, I'LL TAKE CONTROL, AND I WON'T APOLOGIZE ANYMORE.

EXCEPT, WAIT.

YOU WANTED ME TO STOP APOLOGIZING, SO I'M SUPPOSED TO

DO THE OPPOSITE OF THAT.

RIGHT?

YEAH, SO THEN I GUESS I WILL APOLOGIZE, THEN...

IF THAT'S ALL RIGHT WITH YOU.

SORRY?

GET OUT.

Tom: NOW, HONEY, DON'T DO -- Sarah: GET OUT!

Tom: OW!

Riley: AW, MAN, HERE HE COME!

Granddad: RILEY, HIT THE LIGHTS!

Riley: MM-HMM.

Granddad: HUEY, ELECTRONICS!

ENOUGH IS ENOUGH.

I'M TIRED OF THAT HENPECKED SIMP COMING OVER HERE EVERY TIME

SHE THROWS HIM OUT, SCREAMING LIKE A LITTLE BITCH.

THIS TIME, HE CAN SLEEP IN THE YARD.

WHILE IT IS DIFFICULT TO CLEARLY SEE THE SUSPECT'S FACE,

AUTHORITIES HA--

Tom: PLEASE.

Huey: IT'S TOILET PAPER AND

A POP-TART.

HEY, DON'T TELL MY GRANDDAD ABOUT THIS.

WE NOT SUPPOSED TO FEED YOU.

Tom: I REALLY DON'T THINK IT'S PRUDENT TO RECORD AN

ATTORNEY MEETING.

I'M NOT RECORDING.

THIS IS A LIVE STREAM.

WHAT'S UP?

Y'ALL KNOW WHO IT IS -- PRETTY BEEZY FLEE-YEEZEY-WEEZY,

YOU KNOW?

I APPRECIATE ALL THE LOVE AND SUPPORT Y'ALL BEEN SENDING ME

SINCE THE WHOLE INCIDENT WENT DOWN.

NEVER FEAR.

GOT BIG LAWYERS ON THE CASE.

SAY WHAT'S UP TO TOM DuBOIS.

Tom: FLIZZY, I'M GONNA HAVE TO ASK YOU TO TURN IT OFF, NOW.

KILL THE CAMERA, B.

Tom: I ALSO THINK THESE PEOPLE SHOULD LEAVE.

"THESE PEOPLE?" YOU MEAN "THESE PEOPLE?"

Tom: I MEAN THESE PEOPLE.

YOU MEAN MY PEOPLE, NIGGA!

THESE MY PEOPLE.

ANYTHING YOU CAN SAY TO ME YOU CAN SAY IN FRONT OF THEM.

IF ANYTHING, NIGGA, YOU THE STRANGER HERE.

YOU SHOULD LEAVE THE ROOM.

Tom: IT'S MY OFFICE.

OKAY, THEN, SO WHAT'S THE BIG SECRET THAT YOU CAN'T

TELL ME IN FRONT OF MY FANS AND MY PEOPLE?

MATTER OF FACT, WHY AM I EVEN HERE?

Tom: YOU WANTED TO TALK TO ME ABOUT YOUR CRIMINAL CASE.

OH, THAT'S RIGHT!

Tom: I REVIEWED THE CASE, AND I'VE WATCHED THE SECURITY

FOOTAGE.

COOL. SO, WHAT DO YOU THINK?

CAN YOU GET ME OFF?

Tom: DID YOU ROB THE LIQUOR STORE, FLIZZY?

I CAN'T SAY THAT...I DID IT, BUT, HONESTLY, REALLY CAN'T SAY

F'SHO ONE WAY OR THE OTHER.

Tom: AND WHY CAN'T YOU SAY "F'SHO"?

UP!

Tom: AND HOW ABOUT THESE -- HOW ABOUT YOUR ENTOURAGE?

DO THEY KNOW ANYTHING?

UP, TOO!