Young & Hungry

Josh... Can you believe we're going on a double date?

You like Nick, right?

Who?

You mess this up and I'll kill you.

Um, they have had five dates, very successful sex,

and she really thinks this could go somewhere,

and it's very, very important to us that you like him.

Yes, because one day, me and Nick will live next door to you and Gabi,

so...

What are you, seven?

Look, if you like him, I like him.

I like him.

Oh! Josh, you get the door,

'cause you know, I don't live here, you live here.

I'll just, uh, stand here and try to look casual.

- Hey, Nick. Good to see you again, man. - Hey, good to see you, too,

but I am here to see her.

I love you.

Hey, I'm gonna, open this up for ya.

Oh, you are so beautiful.

Oh, damn it.

I broke the cork. Can you hand me that knife?

Dude, you're gonna shove the cork into the wine?

Trust me, it's the only way.

Do you mind?

No, go for it. Not gonna work.

What you wanna do is take the corkscrew...

...go at it from an angle.

You wanna just...

gently engage the cork as much as you can.

And... boom.

And that is exactly why we have successful sex.

Hmm. Wow, Nick! That is genius!

Genius is a little bit of an overstatement.

I mean, we're talkin' about a cork, people.

It's a trick I learned because my grandfather owns a winery.

Oh, sweet. I own my own one.

Okay!

Why don't we pour some?

Uh, actually, with all the angling of the corkscrew

and whatnot, we don't have time,

'cause we'll miss our reservation.

Uh, do you guys care if we take my Ferrari?

Sorry, the back seat's a little small.

Even better for us.

I love you.

I can't believe we've been here an hour and no guy has approached me.

Yolanda, it's still early.

People aren't drunk enough, yet.

Maybe it's us. I bet we're scaring guys off

'cause they think we're straight.

Excuse me. Are you HotChocolate335?

Oh, I'm sorry...

From HeyCupid. I'm OpenHeartedSurgeon9.

- Oh, I think you've got... - A medical degree!

- Uh, but I'm not... - Shut up, HotChocolate.

He's fine.

You're right. And hopefully,

that nine means what I think it means.

Hey!

Hey, Nick, why don't you get us a table,

and I'll get us some drinks.

You got dinner. I can get the drinks.

Okay. I'll get us a table.

I know the owner,

so I can probably swing a booth.

You don't know the owner of this bar.

- I know of the owner. - Oh.

Okay, Josh, this has to stop.

You've been trying to compete with Nick all night.

- Oh, he started it. - I don't care who started it.

All right? I need you to be the bigger man.

Shouldn't be too hard.

I got like half a foot on that guy.

Okay, so I ordered wine for the ladies, bourbon for me,

and, Josh, I took a shot in the dark

and went with an appletini.

- Oh, teeny, like your... - Bigger man, bigger man.

So...

Oh, they've got darts.

Darts!

Darts! Darts are fun.

- Isn't this great? - Mm.

I mean, Sofia and I have always fantasized

about having boyfriends at the same time,

and now that it's happening, it's just so, hmm, nice.

Isn't this nice?

Cheers to us!

Oh, uh, we don't have drinks to cheers with.

Probably would if we ordered from the

waitress instead of the bartender, though.

- Nope, the bar's always faster. - Is it?

'Cause, uh, what's missin'? Ooh, I'll give you a hint.

Actually, I think you drink an appletini like this.

Okay, drinks. How about, uh, we go get the drinks.

Sofia, you wanna go get the drinks?

Gabi and I are gonna get the drinks.

Oh my God, this is a nightmare.

Gabi, our boyfriends hate each other.

Yeah, I know. I don't get it.

I mean, they have so much in common.

They're both smart and successful and cute.

On paper, it seemed like they'd get along great.

What happened between the paper and now?

So much!

But I think it all started with that corkscrew thing.

Oh, I know. I mean, what was Josh's problem?

Nick was just tryin' to help him, and then he just got all weird.

If by "help him" you mean that show-offy, smug presentation

where he lectured Josh on how to remove half a cork?

You wanna talk about show-offy?

You think it was really necessary for Josh to order

a bottle of wine from his own vineyard at dinner?

Huh. Well, it's not Josh's fault

his wine is on the menu of every fine restaurant

in San Francisco, unlike Nick's grandpa's wine,

which I didn't see listed anywhere.

Too bad we didn't go to the airport strip club,

where they probably have it on the bar gun.

- Here you go. - Thank you.

Oh, thank God. Drinks are here.

So, I was just about to ask Josh how you guys met.

Ah! Well, Josh needed a chef, we got together and now we're here.

- If only it was that short. - You're short.

No, no, no.

It was actually, uh, a lot more romantic than that.

Gabi and I had instant chemistry from the moment we met.

Unfortunately, we weren't ready to be together right away.

So, over the course of the next three years,

we'd get nice and close, then we'd get ripped apart.

Then we'd get close again, and we'd get

ripped apart again, until one day,

fate tapped us on the shoulder and said, "Josh, Gabi, the time is now."

Remember what we said? Shall we say it together?

- I love you. - I'm ready to go.

Oh, you know, that's so different from me and Sofia.

I mean, when I first met her, there was

no getting close or ripped apart stuff,

I mean, I didn't need three years to think about it.

Hm. You know, good things come to those who wait.

I don't like waiting. I knew the moment

I saw her, we were gonna be together.

Gabi and I had sex on the first night.

Sofia, will you move in with me?

- What? - What?

See? I told you this guy will do anything to one-up Josh.

Nick, I would love to move in with you.

Okay, Sofia would never move in with a guy after five dates.

I mean, she's too rational and level-headed and boring for that.

Well, let me tell you somethin'.

She's never gonna move in with him.

Damn right she's not!

Why is she not?

Because they're bluffing, and we're gonna call their bluff.

Hell yeah, we are!

How are we gonna do that?

By offering to help them move in together, this weekend.

Pfft! Are you crazy? I hate helping people move.

We're never gonna have to. The minute

we suggest that they move in together

that quickly, they're both gonna back out.

Now, are we done talkin' about this?

- Yes. - Good.

- Can I tell you a secret? - Yes.

I often enjoy a good appletini.

Good morning, HotChocolate!

How'd it go with the doctor?

Ha ha. Well, he made a follow-up appointment.

I've heard of Doctors Without Borders,

but never Doctors Without Standards.

What he means is, yay you, Yolanda.

- Yay. - Yay, nothin'.

Last night we talked about him.

Next time, we're gonna have to talk about her.

I mean me. HotChocolate.

I just looked at HeyCupid, and it turns

out this bitch, HotChocolate, has got

a double degree in Greek philosophy and Old English poetry!

Oh, no worries, Yo-Yo. Elliot majored in literature.

And I haven't worked in a couple years, so I've had time

to read ten philosophy books. We can teach you!

How the hell am I supposed to learn all that crap before my next date?

I know! How about we pull a Cyrano?

I don't do that on my first date!

Wait. What's that?

It's where we tell you what to say.

If I wanted to help an old woman get

into bed, I would've majored in nursing.

What the hell is this?

Oh! Sorry! Uh, hi!

We were just about to have moving day sex.

You'll know one day.

Okay, you said they were bluffing.

This doesn't look like bluffing.

Don't worry, it'll happen any minute, trust me.

Why don't you grab a box and bring it down to the curb?

All right, Nick. We'll "grab a box and bring it down to the curb."

- Uh, wait. - Here we go.

Is there, uh... Is there somethin' you wanna tell us, Sofia?

Yeah, there is. I'm kind of just realizing it now.