Brooklyn Nine-Nine

So that's 20 cargo ships in the last three months.

Whoever's behind this smuggling ring

knows their way around the docks,

so we're going undercover as longshoremen.

I will be Vaughn Tom Tucker,

a gruff, spitting, punch-you-in-the-gut sailor man

who's taking a little break on dry land,

but just until my girlfriend, Cangela, gets out of lady jail.

Ah.

Did you just spit in my trash can?

No, Vaughn did.

There's some tobacco in there too.

Vaughn chews it, but it makes Jake super dizzy.

And I'm Twink Tucker.

You cannot choose your own name anymore.

I got a job at the docks to support my drug habit,

but I kept it...

Because I love the seagulls.

What, are you Irish now? No. Mm-hmm.

Well, we better get going, Captain.

Don't want to be late for our shift down at the docks.

Good news.

The leader of the cargo smuggling ring

turned himself in at the eight-three.

The mafia was closing in on him.

Oh.

Oh. That's great.

It's good news. Yeah.

Case closed.

I guess we'll just return these outfits.

Great. Take this back.

You have ten minutes.

Coffee, extra black, extra no sugar, and real warm.

It gets cold on them docks.

And one earl grey tea for me, Twink Tucker.

No, you ruined it.

Morning, detectives.

Let's go over the prisoner transfer upstate.

Perp's name is Jesse Hermick.

We arrested him for nine counts of armed robbery,

but he skipped bail.

He was just picked up in Neustadter, New York,

trying to pay for a hoagie with a gun.

The sheriff is making us pick him up tomorrow morning

at 6:30 A.M., so we're going up today

and spending the night.

Here are the transfer forms. Please don't...

Get any Jake on them?

I'll put them in a sealed baggie.

Good call.

All the drinks I'm bringing are blue.

Naturally.

Call me if you need anything.

Yes, sir, will do.

Oh, hey, I hope this is cool with you,

but since we're not technically on duty till tomorrow morning,

I invited Sophia to join me upstate.

The B&B we're staying at looks really nice.

It's almost like it's haunted by fancy ghosts.

I don't mind at all.

It's actually really cute of you.

Teddy's never done anything that spontaneous or romantic.

That's not fair.

He did brew me a rose-infused pilsner once.

But it tasted like hand lotion, and the bubbles didn't happen.

Sounds bad. Okay.

I'll see you in the car.

Okay, see you in a sec.

Hi, can I speak with Detective Teddy Wells please?

You can just tell him it's cupid calling.

Wait, no, that's insane.

Tell him it's Detective Peralta from the nine-nine.

Hello, Boyle.

After you're done here, meet me in my office.

I have something I need to ask you.

It's food-related.

I will bring my "a" game.

Oh, my God, Gina.

Captain Holt just asked me into his office

for a food-related question.

Yes, I heard.

And that's how I know I don't care.

I've wanted to build a rapport with him

since he got here, but until now,

all we've had in common was our bank.

Guess who.

NYPD! Hands up!

This is great.

I had no idea Captain Holt was interested in food.

I have zero interest in food.

If it were feasible, my diet would consist entirely

of flavorless beige smoothies

containing all the nutrients required by the human animal.

So our bank got some new ATMs, huh?

I wouldn't know. I've switched banks.

Oh, no. Anyway...

Tomorrow's my anniversary with Kevin.

I'd like to cook him an impressive breakfast.

Could you help orient me with that process?

I'd be honored.

Preparing food for one's lover

is the most intimate gift of all.

Aside from washing their hair.

Okay.

I have a perp in the interrogation room.

I need all the files...

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

What's going on, Diaz?

Are you sick? Do you have cholera?

Is it typhoid?

Are you a vampire?

My horoscope said to wear a cowl-neck today, and I laughed.

I'm fine.

Diazes don't get sick.

This is allergies.

No, that's what killed the dinosaurs.

You need to go home.

Can't. My drug task force needs a win.

That perp in there has the name of a giggle pig supplier.

I leave when I get a name.

At least let me buy you some matzo ball soup.

It's very soothing.

You know what?

I'm gonna go to the deli anyway.

Terry loves kreplach.

Hi, Sophia.

Hey.

There you are.

Hey, hey.

Mwah.

So I already checked us in,

and I hope you don't mind, but I got us

"the room of a thousand dolls."

Oh, sounds creepy.

Super creepy.

So I'm gonna go unpack, and then I'm gonna take a bath,

and then we have dinner, and then...

Doin' it.

I was gonna say "dessert."

Oh. Synonym. Cool. Better.

Hey, Amy. I'll see you later.

Okay, see you later.

Oh, hey, before I forget,

try to be in the lobby in about a half an hour.

I got you a little surprise.

No.

Your surprises are always terrible.

What's going on? You have to tell me.

You're gonna love this.

Remember how you said that Teddy would never be so romantic

as to turn a work trip upstate

into a lover's retreat to the country?

Oh, no.

Oh, yes.

I called him before we left.

He's on his way here now.

Uh, you're welcome.

Jake, I don't want to see Teddy right now.

I'm about to break up with him.

Oh,

nooo...

Jake, why did you invite Teddy up here?

You poured blue soda all over my life.

I know. I'm sorry, all right?

I was just trying to help.

Two maple-tinis.

Look at that.

Is that real syrup?

Right. Sorry.

Disaster at hand.

Look, what happened with you guys?

I thought you were solid.

Didn't you just get a joint library card?

Don't remind me.

I'm gonna be untangling that web

for a month. Okay.

There's just no spark between us anymore.

We have different interests.

All he wants to do with his free time

is make and bottle pilsners.

Yeah, that guy is obsessed with yeast.

It's all we talk about.

Jake, this is gonna be a disaster.

This is fine, all right? I'll figure it out.

I'm just gonna call Teddy,

tell him to turn around and go home.

No. He's a really good Detective.

He'll figure out something's wrong.

I had an airtight breakup plan in place.

I made a reservation next thursday

at a well-lit Korean restaurant in midtown.

It's the least romantic place I could think of.

Scully's bathroom. But go on.

Teddy's a really good guy.

I don't want to say the wrong thing

and hurt him more than I have to.

That's why I started writing out a breakup speech,

but now he's on his way,

and I'm only halfway through the outline.

All right, look, this is totally my fault,