I Feel Bad

It's hard to feel great about how you look.

But even after three kids and a stressful-ass job, I feel pretty good.

Oh! I almost forgot, beta, I got you a gift.

Oh, that's nice. Thanks, Mom.

Anti-aging serum for dry, dull skin

by Susan Sarandon. Really?

Only I love you enough to tell you that your face

is beginning to look like your father's elbow.

Bye!

That's my mom... she hones in on your deepest insecurity

then walks away like an action hero.

Good evening, Maya. As always, thank you again for watching Jake.

Oh, if you really want to thank me,

try gift cards, man. Kidding!

Oh! Oh!

A hug. Okay.

Sweet.

- Hey. - Hey.

Your mother is not so bad.

What did you just say to me?

Wow. Whoa.

You know what? I'm so sorry.

It's just I was raised by her.

I'm just saying that we are starting to connect.

She just gave me a hug. I mean, it was awkward

and her arms were kinda dance-y, but it was nice.

Oh, you sweet, unsuspecting man.

That wasn't a hug. It was a "Fat Pat."

It's how my mom checks if someone's gained weight.

David would be so embarrassed to know he's put on a few.

And I'm not gonna be the one to tell him.

I'll celebrate this mother-in-law milestone with a milkshake.

Okay, you do that, sweetie.

I see this man naked. He hasn't put on that much... oh!

Little more dough in the bro.

David's gaining weight. I'm getting wrinkles.

Ugh. I hate when my mom is right.

I wonder if they can suck something out of him

and inject it into my laugh lines.

_

So my mom got me wrinkle cream.

I won't let her get into my head... David's either.

I'm not gonna tell him about the Fat Pat.

He's way too sensitive.

I'm gonna be body-positive today.

Oh, my God!

What the is that picture doing the up there?

Nasty.

Don't blame us. They used it on this year's "GamePunch" launch party invite.

Yeah, have a slice of chill pie, okay?

We're not just laughing at you. We're laughing at David, too.

Yeah.

I had to hide that picture from him for a year.

If he sees that, he will spiral.

My husband's vain too. David's way of dealing

with being over 40 is complete denial.

The other day, I caught him on Amazon looking at skateboards.

Not me! Don't use Amazon, and I've never taken a bad picture.

You just gotta know your angles, bitches.

There was no good angle then, bitch.

That was taken right after I had Jake.

David gained 30 pounds, I was getting no sleep,

my hair was somehow greasy and dry,

and I was just shoveling food down

because my body was trying to feed the baby it had made.

- Ooh, yucky. - Yeah.

It's not yucky, it's life.

Like any of you can do something that amazing with your bodies.

Beg to differ. I can do this:

Those noises are coming from his mouth!

That's incredible!

The human body is amazing.

Okay, I kept a baby alive,

but yeah, actually, that was pretty dope.

Okay, you know what? The launch party is gonna be our power couple moment.

This year, Dave and I are gonna take the hottest picture instead of looking like

the human rubble left after having kids.

Bam.

You guys just wanna listen to Griff beatbox again, don't you?

- It's all I can think about. - Yes, please.

It really is a miracle!

I can't believe the whole company

saw that terrible picture. David would be mortified too.

I've made my appointments: mani-pedi, facial, color, wax.

Now how do I gently tell my husband he also has some work to do?

Oh, mama! I combined two lasagna recipes

for seven layers of zestiness!

Dear God.

Oh, hey, babe, I have an idea.

- What? - Do you know the kids

could eat off of that for three days

if you and I don't have any and just have that beautiful salad?

The kids? Mm-mm.

This is a man's lasagna, and she is wearing

$30 worth of bubbly cheese. And, I am going to

undress her with my mouth.

I'm right here.

Looks like your matzo ball of a husband

is getting a little junk in the butt.

You gotta train your man.

- Mom. - Well!

Hello! who is this ravishing Italian beauty?

Hey!

I'll just enjoy your homely, funny friend, salad instead.

See? You nip it in the butt before there's too much butt to nip.

Okay, Mom, that is so controlling and not who I am.

David can make his own healthy, responsible choices...

You ready for this?

Oh...

yes.

Hey, hey! Babe, babe. Are you sure this is

- a healthy relationship? - What are you trying to say?

I don't wanna hurt my husband.

I love him.

Plus, when he's hurt, he eats more.

Nothing. Nothing, no, no, I was like,

"When are you gonna let a lady in on

this threesome action here?" You know what I mean?

- Oh, oh! - Yeah, 'cause I'm gonna

- have some! - Well, I'm gonna

- get some plates then. - Okay! Back it up.

- Backing it up. - Back it up, back it up.

Get away from my man, you saucy bitch.

No!

Sorry, it just slipped. Salad?

Weird chair, hemorrhoid cream...

Okay, shouldn't you be working from home?

Or the loo?

Okay, the yoga ball is for my core,

and the cream is for my puffy eyes.

Just shut up and let me live.

Hey Emet, don't forget you're giving a speech

to my mentees at the launch party.

They've raised a lot of money to make the trip,

and they're super excited.

I'm so excited too. I love encouraging young women who want to work in tech.

Girls need a strong, smart, stable role model.

You know that's ass cream, right?

Huh? Yeah. Hey, oh! Speaking of ass,

how do I tell my husband he's getting a mom butt?

- Uh-oh. - That is a no-win situation.

I mean, if you don't tell him, then he

waddles down this chubby path.

If you do tell him, then he recoils every time you touch him.

That's what it's like with me and Mother.

I had this plan in college.

I kinda realized I couldn't get a nine,

but I could get a 6 and secretly turn her into

a 9 without her ever knowing it

by gaslighting her into fixing her flaws.

I called it my 6-to-9 plan.

- That is horrific. - He's German.

Hey, judge me all you want, but without David ever knowing it,

you could get him to eat healthy and exercise, so...

Okay, I'm listening.

Do I feel guilty about using Griff's awful but brilliant plan? Yes.

But this way, I could turn everyday activities

into exercise and spare David's feelings at the same time.

- Oh hey, honey? - Mm-hmm?

Could you take out the garbage?

Come on, take the bait, take the bait.

Oh! Jesus, these are heavy.

What, did you finally snap and cut up your mom?

Oh, God, that's funny!

Watch your back and use your glutes.

I was gonna look younger, and David was gonna look thinner

in that party picture.

Who's getting hurt here?

Louie's hurt! Louie took a fall.

Okay, okay. You're gonna be okay.

- Ah... - I'm gonna get some ice.

Dad had to carry me from Sycamore Street.

Carrying poor, hurt Louie... yeah right.

Dad just got his cardio in.

Call me anytime.

I even got Lily to convince David

he had to learn some moves if he wanted to be a cool dad.

Caroline's dad is amazing at it!

- Oh, yeah? - Bye, jelly-belly.

- Yeah... - And this way. In a circle.

- Keep going! - Okay! Okay!

- You've got this! Keep going! - Okay!

- Am I supposed to see stars? - Uh-huh.

Ooh, you got pictures of Lara Croft and Emet.

That's a sad spank bank, man.

No, Norman's asked me to make a presentation for his mentees on female role models.

What? Emet and Chewey are helping out with your mentees?

What is this, all hands on deck, except for Griff's hands?

What's wrong with Griff's hands?

They are attached to a vile misogynist.

I resent that. I have a lot to teach them.

I'm actually a champion of chicks.

Griff! You woman-hating genius.

- Oh! - Yeah!

Yes! Your 6-to-9 plan is totally working.

You did Griff's 6-to-9 plan?

The first time he told me about that, I threw up.

But I'm just doing it to help David without shattering his ego.

Once we get that perfect party picture,

I'm totally done tricking him.