Chateau

It was just a nightmare.

Oh my gosh.

It felt so real, like there was somebody

in my room next to my bed.

I saw someone like a human form backlit by the lumen, lu--

Ah, shit.

What's the line?

The luminescent moon trickling through the gauzy curtains

shrouding my window.

Oh, it's a stupid line.

Okay, again.

Ah--

Oh shit.

Hello.

- Hey. - Hey.

I didn't think you'd answer.

Yeah, I didn't mean to.

I wasn't sure if you were still awake.

What's the time difference over there?

No, it's only like 10:00 PM.

Well, it's 1:00 PM here.

The funeral is at 3:00, and I don't know,

there's a part of me that just thought you would change

your mind and you'd show up.

Yeah, well I'm, you know, kind of in another country.

I'm working a lot of odd jobs and stuff, I'm busy.

And sleeping on strangers sofas, I hear.

Um,

well, he's not a stranger anymore.

And, yes, we met on a couchsurfing app,

but he's really cool.

He's not, like, some creep or something,

and he's gay, so chill.

Okay.

So are you, like, still trying to act or influence or--

Trying.

Wow, thank you so much for the support.

That's not how I meant it.

I still watch all of your videos.

I just watched the My Summer in Paris one.

Oh, okay cool.

So I've got one viewer, woo.

Yeah, and your camera work is getting a lot better,

and you look happy.

Well, I am happy.

Are you?

Yeah.

Or are you just a really good actress?

Well, that too.

Okay, so anything else, Lila?

Um.

You know, you can admit that you have feelings about all of this.

Well, yes, I do have feelings.

Hate is a feeling, isn't it.

Don't say that.

That's true.

If she treated you the same way she treated me,

you didn't have to stay there and watch her unravel.

You can admit that she was a shitty mom.

It's okay to hate someone even though they're dead.

Hey, look, I got to go.

I got to go finish this audition, okay?

I'll talk to you later.

Have a good day.

Shipshape.

Accept.

Hey, you guys, it's James, and guess what, I'm in Paris.

Welcome back to my channel.

If you're new here, I am an American

in Paris for the next three or four months,

and I can't wait for you guys to join me on this journey.

Come along.

I am loving my summer so far.

Fit check.

This place, it's magical.

And I'm living with the coolest guy named Dash.

He's fabulous.

And most nights when he's not bar-tending

at the hippest spot in Paris, we go dancing

and then we stuff up on the most delectable wines and pastas.

Oh, and look at the view from our apartment.

It has the cutest little courtyard.

And then you walk out, and this is our street.

62 views.

Yippee.

Dash, say hi.

No.

Come on. It's for my channel.

How would you like a camera in your face all the time 24/7?

Oh wait, you'd love it.

I'm assuming catering didn't go well tonight.

No.

First of all, this guy spilled his Bloody Mary all over me,

and then I ran out of gas on the way home.

Oh, no.

Can you imagine how embarrassing that was?

I mean, me climbing out it with a stained catering uniform only

to be able to fill up a fourth of my tank with crinkled ones

that I made out of tips.

Oh, gosh.

Why don't you just tell your dad that you like, overextended?

No, you, out of all people, should be happy.

I'm too prideful to do that because you'd be homeless.

Rude.

Okay, help me.

How do I get more subscribers on my channel?

Who cares?

I care.

You know what your problem is?

You just haven't found your voice.

Like, what is your brand?

Like, you're an actress?

You're a travel vlogger?

You're a yogi who does makeup?

I don't know.

I mean, I just want to make content that people like.

Why don't you make content you like?

Because I don't know what I like.

I've been taking care of my mom at home for years,

and now I'm finally out and look at me.

I'm no closer to figuring out who I am than when

I was living for somebody else.

And now you're going to live for a bunch of strangers online?

By the way, rents up.

Oh surprised.

About rent, so I'm just like, a little short right now,

but I got a gig, a cleaning gig this weekend in the countryside,

and it's supposed to pay really well,

which is going to be my next question.

Can I please borrow your car?

No.

Gas is so much cheaper than the train.

And the more money I save, the quicker I can pay you back.

What's the address?

Um...

that.

What?

Oh, shit.

That's going to take me forever.

That's huge.

Do you know what this place is?

No, should I?

This is Murder Castle.

If you want the views, this might be your ticket, baby.

Good morning, guys.

Welcome to my channel.

Today, I'm doing a little bit of a rebranding

because I found myself with a unique opportunity.

So I hope you guys are ready because today we

are going on a ghost hunt.

Okay, I admit I've never done anything like this before,

but I've always really liked spooky things.

My Halloween costumes have always been like,

super legendary, not to toot my own horn.

This video, as you see, it's titled The No Go Chateau.

I admit I didn't really know anything about Murder Castle

until my roommate told me about it,

but I have done so much research now,

and I have all of these amazing supplies for ghost hunting.

This is an EVP I got, Electronic Voice Phenomenon.

So what happened to being broke?

Um, this was like 15 bucks, chill.

Well, I've never seen a maid so dressed up.

I know I look cute, right.

I wanted to look good for my channel.

At least it's not a French maid costume.

Yeah, at least I'm not like a nude maid.

Oh, my God.

My eyes are allergic to breasts and vaginas, so--

Keys please.

Listen, the keychain my dad got me is kind of sharp.

Oh.

Eiffel Tower.

Cute.

Don't make me regret this.

Thanks, Dash.

All right, you guys, we're almost there.

Murder Castle is about two hours outside of Paris,

so it's been quite a trek, but it's going to be worth it.

And as you guys just saw, I put some aerial footage

of the French countryside.

Just ignore the watermark, because I don't really--

stock footage is so expensive, and this shit

isn't monetized yet.

All right.

And now, editor, which will be yours truly,

let's insert the spooky research portion of the video.

Give them a little background on Murder Castle.

Bwahaha.

Whoa!

There's no way out.

There's no electricity, no phone, no one within miles.

So no way to call for help.

Like your coffin.

One rumored spirit, is Reginald Poirot.

A few years back, an avid hunter, this man

was often known to disappear for days at a time,

pursuing the perfect kill.

Shhh.

His last known whereabouts were, you guessed it,