Two and a Half Men

Hey.

Oh, hey.

You're back early.

How was your date?

I hate electric cars.

I don't like scented candles.

Once again, how was your date?

It was fine until her estranged husband

silently pulled into the driveway in his freakin' Prius.

If he hadn't stepped on the cat, I'd be dead now.

What are you doing?

Me?

Uh, nothing. Just, uh...

nothing.

You were surfing for porn, weren't you?

Uh... yes.

Okay, that's, that's what I was doing.

You caught me.

I'm so embarrassed.

Well, you should be; it's disgusting.

Come on, let's see what puts a chubby in your chinos.

No, no, it's personal.

Ooh, what are you into, grannies with trannies?

Chickens with strap-ons?

Please, please don't, Charlie. Pl...

Oh, you pitiful freak!

What is wrong with you?

Nothing, I came upon it by accident.

I am so ashamed.

My own brother using an...

Internet dating service.

I'm a man, Charlie. I have needs.

* Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men *

* Ah. * Men. * Men.

Okay, name three contributions

that the Roman Empire made to civilization.

Um... Roman numerals.

Good.

Aqueducts...

Terrific.

Do you know what an aqueduct is?

Uh, something to do with water.

And...?

A duck?

Morning.

Morning.

Morning, Charlie.

Morning, Rose.

: What's going on?

She's helping Yertle the Turtle study for his test.

Why didn't he ask me?

Name three contributions

the Roman Empire made to civilization.

Orgies, wine and bulimia.

Go ahead, ask me about the Greeks.

Then who did invent aromatherapy?

Not the Romans.

But you see my logic.

You know, I never did understand

why you didn't give her more of a chance.

She's pretty, smart,

and amazingly patient with dumb guys.

Are you talking about Jake or me?

A smart guy wouldn't have to ask that question.

Excuse me, but let's not forget

this is a woman who stalked me,

who spied on me, who snuck into my house

to write her name and address in my underwear.

Oh, boo-hoo.

Somebody cares about Charlie.

Nobody ever wrote their name in my underwear.

Wait, once. The Department of Corrections.

Morning.

Hey. Morning.

Hey, guys.

How's the homework coming?

The three major buildings in ancient Rome

were the Coliseum, the Forum and...

Circus...

Circus Circus.

We need a little more time.

Carry on.

I know it's not Caesar's Palace.

Why don't you get him a real tutor?

Are you kidding?

She has advanced degrees in, like, three subjects,

she loves him, he worships her,

and the only thing she asks in return

is to sit naked in your laundry hamper every once in a while.

And that's not a red flag for you?

You could do a lot worse than Rose, Charlie.

I have done a lot worse.

But that's not really a recommendation now, is it?

The second triumvirate was Augustus, Mark Antony and...

Lepidus.

Very good.

Okay, well, that's it for today.

Wait a minute.

Oh, right.

Open up.

Mmm, cookie.

Hey, Charlie, you got a minute?

I'd like to talk to you privately.

Now's not a good time, Rose.

Will you call me later?

Sure.

Promise?

Yeah.

Cross your heart and hope to die?

Yes.

Stick a needle in your eye?

Okay.

Boil in oil until you fry?

Dear God, Rose, I will call you.

Toodles.

You're not going to call her, are you?

No, I think I'm going to go with the needle in the eye.

* Men.

Funny, you didn't mention in your dating profile

you've got hair growing out of all your holes.

Hey, what are you doing to my laptop?

Just learning a little about you, Spinemaster278.

I see you like smooth jazz,

long walks on the beach and cuddling.

Give me that. Now hold on. Hold on.

This is my favorite part.

"I love to spend quiet weekends

puttering around my Malibu beach house."

Educate me, Alan.

To what Malibu beach house are you referring?

Okay, okay, I was going to tell you about that.

Do you have one that I don't know about?

No, no. 'Cause if you do,

one of us should be living there.

Are you going to let me explain, or not?

What's to explain?

You have a Malibu beach house and you're the...

"chiropractor to the stars."

Okay, what do you want me to call myself?

Chiropractor to fat people in the valley?

Everybody exaggerates on these things.

Okay, I can understand that.

You're probably not going to get a lot of responses

to "bushy-nosed cheapskate,

enjoys long walks to a free meal."

Exactly.

Hey, you're going out tonight, aren't you?

Why?

Well, I met a woman on this dating site

and she's here and it would be good if...

you weren't.

You're throwing me out of my own house?

Well, no, if you read the profile, it's my house.

See?

Coming!

Be right there!

Please play along.

You're going to play along, right?

I guess we'll find out together, won't we?

Alan, hi.

Beverly, it's so great to finally meet you in person.

Hi.

Hello.

Oh, this is Charlie.

Oh, right, your poor brother.

Hi, Charlie.

: How are you?

Mmm, you smell nice.

Okay, okay, come on in.

Oh, my,

what a beautiful home.

Thank you. Thank you.

I encourage him to think of this place as his own.

Yeah, that way, I don't feel like such a worthless parasite.

Charlie, weren't you going out tonight?

Gee, I'd love to, but you know me, flat broke again.

Oh, well, I suppose I could float you a few bucks.

What do you need?

$400.

Okay. Okay.

You know, I'll... I'll just give you everything I have.

Uh... that's 31, 32... $33.

What about the secret compartment?

All right.

That'll be a, uh...

$133.

And I don't expect to see you again tonight.

Thanks, bro.

Be nice to him; he's all I've got.

Sorry about that.

I understand.

I have a sister who's a crack whore.

Really?

Maybe we can introduce them.

For $133, we can introduce them twice.

Terrific.

Well, here we are.

We sure are.

I guess you've noticed

I'm a little taller than five-nine.