Schitt's Creek

Ah!

- Ha, now that is what I call a beautiful morning!

Looks like another full house tonight.

Things are starting to look up, sweetheart.

Big waves! Big waves!

- Oh yes. Yes, tidal waves of prosperity

are crashing down, all around us.

Soon enough. You just wait.

Hey partner, what's the good word?

There's a dead guy in Room 4.

- What? Whadda ya mean there's a dead guy in...

come in, come in.

Moira: Did I hear what I think I heard?

Has someone been killed? Stevie: No.

No! No, John, no. No!

I have endured a cornucopia of trauma that last few years,

I draw the line at living in a crime scene.

- Okay, nobody's been murdered, Mrs. Rose.

I went in to clean Room 4,

and this old guy was like, asleep in his bed.

But like, forever asleep.

Like, checked out without paying, asleep.

- Okay, I think it's a little early for humour, Stevie.

- Oh, I'm sorry, did you just see a dead body?

- What did this gentleman look like?

- I don't know, like old. - John old? Or old, old?

- Well, I don't quite see the relevance

in that question, Moira, the man is dead.

I mean we can't have the other guests finding out

about a dead body in one of the rooms.

- Ugh! - Ew! There's a dead body

in one of the rooms? - Okay, I always knew

there'd be a murder here eventually.

I'm gonna go pack up my things, I assume we're moving?

- We're not packing up our things,

and everybody just calm down. Nobody's been murdered.

- Okay, the old man in Room 4 died alone in his sleep.

- Why do I find that scenario even more bone-chilling

than murder?

- Stevie, do we know how this man expired?

Do I look like a coroner?

- I don't think you want people answering that question.

- It feels like every time the motel sells out, someone dies.

- Uh, we've only sold out one night.

Exactly.

- So you and Patrick are sitting in his car last night,

and you just leaned in and kissed him?

- Okay, what part of this conversation

don't you understand? - Okay, and he wanted that.

Yes.

- Like he told you that he wanted that.

Fall off a bridge, please.

- You gave me such a hard time for getting involved with Ted,

and then you just French your business partner

literally the second he peeks his head out of the closet.

- I'll have you know this is the healthiest first day

of a relationship I've ever had.

- Well, all I know is that Patrick is

a sweet little button face, David,

so don't mess this up.

Johnny: Oh good,

I'm glad you're both still here.

We're gonna need your room for the night,

so uh, pack up.

- Um, no. - Absolutely not.

Johnny: The motel is sold out

and we're unable to remove a body, and disinfect Room 4,

in time for check-in.

- Okay, every inch of that sentence made me sick.

Moira: I agree with David, we must all move on from this.

Did I say that?

- Well there's no use wasting time

worrying about what happened?

Johnny: We're not worrying about what happened, Moira,

we're trying to find a solution,

and I'm gonna need the family to help us through this.

- Okay, why don't the new guests stay in your room?

- It'll take day just to re-box your mother's wigs.

- Oh my God, can you imagine? Not one of you is trained.

- Okay, bottom line, we need the room,

so throw some things in a bag

and we're gonna set you up in our room.

- Okay, I've never just thrown some things in a bag before,

so you might have to give me a minute.

- Yeah, and I'm gonna be sleeping somewhere else.

- Same. - Like literally anywhere else.

- Yeah, like an old tent by the side of the highway.

- Okay, enough, let's get going, please?

- Yes, yes, plenty of work to be done.

Unfortunately my previous engagements preclude me

from offering my beneficence around the motel today.

John, I hate to leave you like this!

- Yeah, I know, Moira, you know, busy busy.

I want the room cleaned up in an hour.

Okay.

- Um, I'm gonna need a roll of dry-cleaning bags,

and some padlocks.

- Okay, so Roland knows a guy at the coroner's office.

- Wait, you told Roland? - Yes.

I don't know, I-I ran into him,

and he asked me how I was.

- Well, that's not good, Stevie.

No, I might have panicked.

- I wouldn't trust Roland with a set of chopsticks,

let alone a dead body! - Yeah.

- Oh, hello! - Hello.

Checking out?

Roland: Hello, Johnny. Stevie.

I come bearing good news.

Okay, Roland, as you can see,

Mr. Rose is checking out a guest right now,

so maybe you can hold off on that good news?

Oh sure, I got it.

Uh, well let me just say this,

re the toilet that died in Room 4,

the plumber will be here in a few hours.

He said he'd be here sooner, but he has another autopsy.

Toilet on the fritz.

- Okay, so, what'd the coroner say?

- My guys will be here between 4 and 5.

Well, that's not good,

we can't have the guests watching a dead body

being dragged out of here.

- So probably best to keep your guests in their rooms.

- And, how're we gonna do that?

- Do the rooms lock from the outside?

- We're not locking the guests in their rooms, Roland.

- Well, I'm sure they'll be fine, Johnny.

I saw a lot of dead bodies when I was a kid,

und I would say that I turned out pretty okay.

Hmm.

Ted: Thank you very much. Man: Bye.

- Alexis! - Oh my God, Ted, hey!

Um, was there like a pet massacre, or something?

What is with all these sad looking people?

- Uh, nope, all these perfectly happy-looking people

are actually applying for your old job.

I literally just quit, Ted.

- Again, quit implies a negative connotation

and I'd say that we had a pretty fun time working together.

- We did have a pretty fun time. (Laughs)

- That's not what I meant, but anyway, what's up?

- Oh, I just wanted to thank you again

for coming to my graduation yesterday.

It was a very sweet surprise.

Oh, it was my pleasure.

Man: Here. - Oh, thanks.

And, I also had a question.

- Uh yeah, Alexis, I'd love to answer that question,

it's just I'm kind of right in the middle

of interviewing these people, so.

- Okay, yeah, totally. I will just um...

um... I actually used to work here.

This used to be my desk, so.

- You know, now that you're here,

I guess you could sit in on the interviews with me.

Oh. Okay, sure.

Now, everybody, just so you know,

I got a job here,

and I have literally zero interest in animals,

so you guys are already like, way ahead.

- Okay. - So... (claps)

Have fun!

- Hi. - Hey.

(Footsteps thud, floorboards creak)

So, someone's been busy.

- Oh yeah, yeah, I've been up since 5.

Could not sleep, been thinking about...

stuff, you know, last night.

Regrets?

- What? No, why would I have regrets?

- I don't know, I think it's a, just a habit to ask.

No, no, no, no. No regrets.

No, I feel good. I feel like a...

weight's been sorta lifted off my shoulders.

It's all very new, you know, and it's a lot to process but...

Well, here's something fun.

Um... what if I stayed at your place tonight?

Huh.

- It's just that there's some things happening at the motel, and I...

- Yeah, uh, sorry David, maybe I haven't been clear,

I'm gonna need to take this a lot slower

than a sleepover tonight.

- Oh okay, not like a sleepover sleepover.

- I think it's important that I be honest with you

about how I'm feeling,

because I know you have a lot of experience in this area,

but for me-- - Oh my God, no,

I mean yes, I do, but that's not what I'm implying. That's--

Moira: Ding-a-ding.

Patrick: Oh hey, Mrs. Rose.

Um, just takin' this to the back.

We'll talk about this later.

- Okay, yeah, it's just some crossed wires.

May I help you?

- It's startlingly quiet in here, David.

Is that a good sign?

I thought you were booked up all day,

and that's why you couldn't help Dad with the dead b-

that thing in the motel. - I am booked up, David.