M*A*S*H

‐Gin? ‐Read 'em and weep.

‐Again? ‐Name of the game, kiddo.

‐Where did you get all those clubs? ‐Oh, the usual place.

‐Three from you, three from my sleeve. ‐(sighs)

What've you got, kid?

‐Sixty‐four. ‐Ooh. Bad news.

Oh, I'll get you for this, Whitfield. Mark my words.

I'd rather mark your cards.

Gee, I don't know how to tell you this, Houlihan, but, uh...

you're into me for $3.19.

See me on payday.

Payday. Mmm.

Payday...

I will be under a hair dryer

at the Fort Meade beauty parlor.

That's right. When are you leaving?

14 days, 8 hours and 22 minutes.

You've got a lot of nerve, Whitfield.

You transfer out here for two months, take me to the cleaners,

and then waltz back to the States

to live it up on my money.

But I'm gonna miss you.

So deal. I don't have much time to get even.

Nah. I've had enough for one night.

Besides, I hate to see a grown major cry.

Oh, sure, quit, just when I was gettin' hot.

I gotta write a letter to my brother. I'll see ya.

Good night, moneybags.

Margaret.

I'm gonna miss you, too.

MAN (on P. A.): Hear ye, hear ye.

It is 0700, and all is hell.

‐Incoming wounded, folks. ‐(helicopter whirring)

I'm gonna go straight to O. R.,

so if someone can pick me up something to eat, I'd really appreciate it.

‐I'll get it. ‐Me, too.

Are you all right, Captain?

Oh, you know me.

Just can't get the motor going

till I've had my first cup of coffee.

Captain Whitfield, if you can't make it, we'll cover for you.

Look, girlie, I've never missed an O. R. in my life.

I'm not about to start now.

I'll be there in a minute.

I'll work you all under the table.

Come on. Let's go.

There we go. Another satisfied customer

at Pierce's Body and Femur Shop.

Go.

Okay. Who's next? I have a lovely table for one

with a view of the ceiling.

Prepare to applaud, Hippocratic oathers.

‐We're out of wounded! ‐(cheering)

What do you know? The war is quitting early today.

Must have a headache from all that noise.

He'll be okay. Let's give him another unit.

Whitfield, another unit of AB‐positive over here.

Right, Major.

Captain, you got the wrong stuff.

‐Pardon me? ‐They want AB‐positive, right?

You grabbed AB‐negative.

Oh, yeah. Thanks.

They ought to mark this stuff more clearly.

Finis.

Who said it was impossible to improve on perfection?

One more just came in. Bad chest wounds.

I'll take him. I can use the overtime.

Pierce, I am the ranking thoracic expert.

Right over here, fellas.

Kellye, I have to re‐glove.

‐HAWKEYE: Major Winchester. ‐Yes?

‐Buns away! ‐Huh? (gasps)

Pierce, are you crazed? I have a wounded man on the table!

‐He‐‐ He made me do it. ‐(laughing)

Pierce, there's a fine line between fun and imbecility,

and you just pole‐vaulted over it.

Pierce,

to violate the sanctity of the operating room is,

even for an intellectual infant such as yourself,

an act of such contemptibility,

I will not dignify it with comment.

I‐‐ I understand.

Hey. Hey. Come on, everybody.

That was just, you know, that was like‐‐ That was a joke.

Well, it was just about as funny

as a sword‐swallower with swollen glands.

Well, trust Pierce to do something so tasteless.

Yeah, well...

not exactly only me.

I think I'll change.

‐Uh‐‐ ‐Sorry, I'll get the next one.

Hey, come on, everybody. That was funny.

Yeah, well, I guess you had to be there.

Please, please, you're too kind.

Father, what would you think about giving these people

a refresher course in "thou shalt not kill"?

Father? Oh, no. Not you too.

Captain Pierce, having heard about the callous prank

you played on poor Major Winchester,

I choose not to speak to you.

For if I did, I would tell you

you are a goon and a blockheaded bozo.

But as a man of God, I'm above name‐calling.

‐Oh. Yeah. ‐Good day.

Thank you, everybody. Thank you. That's very kind.

‐Okay, Charles. Let's get this settled. ‐Settled?

Settled. Let's get it settled. Get even with me.

Right here, in front of everybody. Here. Come on.

Dump a tray of food all over me. Or worse, make me eat it.

Pierce, I could never do anything so insensitive.

Sure you can. It's easy.

Come on. Get your revenge. Tit for tat and all that.

I bear you no malice, old fella.

‐What a rotten thing to say. ‐Oh, Pierce, I understand you.

I studied a bit of child psychology, you know.

And I have nothing but‐‐

We must all have compassion for‐‐

Ladies and gentlemen, we must all have compassion

for the wretched harlequin

with his compulsive need to amuse.

I say to you,

do not condemn the pathetic clown,

but rather pity him.

Will you stop!

‐Howdy. ‐Don't howdy me,

you snake in a tent. You‐‐ You‐‐

Hawk, you're upset.

It's this little idiosyncrasy I have.

When a mess tent full of people

tries to tar and feather me, I get ruffled.

Aha. They're still hot about that trick you pulled on Charles.

No, they're hot about that trick we pulled on Charles.

I had a partner in slime, remember?

‐Oh, that. ‐Yes, that.

I didn't know I was gonna have a silent partner.

‐Ah, it's over now. ‐It's not over.

My character has been assassinated.

And the rest of me may soon follow.

So what do you want me to do about it?

I want you to put down that damn darning and listen.

Confession could be good for your soul.

I guarantee it'll be good for your nose.

As I recall, you did pull some strings.

You gonna come clean or not?

Not. Look, in a couple of days

Winchester will try something to get even,

‐and everything will be copasetic. ‐No way.

You should have seen that conniving sneak.

There he was, acting so nice to me.

Old pink tush knows that as long as he doesn't retaliate,

I play the dragon to his Saint George.

It doesn't matter.

Something bad is bound to happen to you,

and he'll get the blame.

With my luck, nothing rotten will happen to me for years.

‐(laughing) ‐What?

I, uh‐‐ I smell a rat, and it's me. (chuckling)

I don't think I like the sound of that smell.

This is the most brilliant idea a sick mind ever had.

I'm gonna play a practical joke on myself.

‐That doesn't sound very practical. ‐Sure it does.

Charles will get blamed, and I'll be vindicated.

And then I can stop lurking in dark shadows and alleyways.

‐That idea is not half bad. ‐It's all bad.

That's what makes it so great. Ha ha!

‐and right there is Dale City. ‐Oh.

I can visit my folks on weekends.

No, no. The... The army has obviously fouled up your orders.

Nobody gets stationed 30 miles from home.

‐I did. Home. ‐Wow.

It's been a long time.

I'm really looking forward to it.

Here, you are, ma'am.

One scotch for the Irish major.

How about a refill on that soda, Captain?

Uh, no, thank you. I gotta be going.

Probably just as well.

A couple of classy customers like yourselves

could ruin this club's reputation.

Where are you going? It's so early.

I have to write a letter to my brother.

Again? You wrote him last night.

Oh, no. Last night I wrote my father.

Oh. Well, what's the difference?

You'll be home before the letter gets there.

Oh, I hope not. I'm telling him

‐to pick me up at the airport. ‐Oh.

Where's Winchester? Let's get this over with.

He'll be here any minute. Now, you sure you got this straight?

Well, it's very complicated, but let's see if I'm close.

We go into the club. Klinger directs us to a table.

You sit against the far wall

in a chair that is covered with glue.

‐Isn't that great? ‐Wonderful.

I've been practicing my humiliated look all day.

Pierce, you wanted to see me?

Charles, indeed I do.

Well?

I behaved very badly toward you today.

Oh, Pierce, you are too modest.