Superstore

I oversold it, didn't I?

I always do that. I should have just said,

"It's a good show. Maybe you'll like it."

It just made me uncomfortable.

I already have enough trouble as a working mom.

I don't need to feel bad that I'm not also a KGB agent.

Tell me again that Maya didn't see the union cards.

She's the district manager.

If she had seen them,

she would have said something.

Besides, you know, even if she did,

it's too late now.

The union train has left the station, baby!

A, that's just too much for 8:00 a.m.,

and B, it's not too late for her to fire me.

Nobody's getting fired. Get out of your head.

You just have to co...

Maya!

- Hey, Maya's here. - Yeah.

Hey, guys, sorry to give you a scare there.

Halloween was yesterday, Maya.

Ha. Yeah, it was.

Um, so what's up?

Well, I was planning my schedule,

and I thought instead of heading up

to the boring Quincy branch,

that maybe I'd spend another day here.

So I commandeered a corner of your desk here.

- I hope you don't mind. - No, please, commandeer away.

Great, thanks. Also, did you know

that your pug-a-day calendar is a week ahead?

Yeah, I get curious.

I t that this doesn't look great,

but maybe it's as innocent as it sounds.

Yeah, sure.

She just happened to extend her stay here

the day after we turned in the cards,

because she didn't wanna go to Quincy.

Come on. That store used to be a bank.

It has a skylight.

I took Jerusha and Rose there for her birthday.

Quincy is a showstopper.

Nobody's arguing that.

I'm just saying, Maya seems pretty chill.

You know, she's not like a typical DM.

Actually, sometimes, it's the friendliest DMs

who are secretly the harshest.

Like, you remember Marty over at Crestwood?

One day, he's out playing squash with his DM.

The next day, he's fired

and the DM marries his daughter.

Really?

Well, the actual wedding wasn't the next day,

but it makes a better story.

Okay, well, Maya can't fire you for union stuff.

Well, maybe that's why she's here.

She's sticking around until she finds something else

- she can fire me for. - Like what? Your numbers are good.

You don't do drugs. You don't steal.

Well, I've seen you pocket Splenda packets in the café,

but we're talking, what, like, a handful?

It's in the hundreds.

Don't worry. You are a great manager,

and Maya's gonna see that, you know,

as long as we have one of our good days

in the store, which we've been having

a few of lately.

Thank you, Glenn. I know you thought that was helpful.

Free eye exams!

See your partner better, learn the truth!

Hey, you busy?

I'm sorry, I don't know what that was.

Are you finishing a magic trick?

No, I'm just saying there's no one here.

You were doing a magic trick for no one?

There's no magic trick! Okay, what do you want?

I need someone to help me run my shoplifter rehab course.

Eddy's usually my assistant,

but ironically, he got arrested.

Oh, I'd be good with shoplifters

because I'm some sort of criminal to you, huh?

Just because I have an ankle monitor,

suddenly, I'm, like, the cutest boy in the Crips?

Actually, there's a lot of yelling involved,

and I thought you'd be interested in that.

Yeah, that sounds fun. I'm in.

Amy and I combined Spotify accounts last night.

It just felt like time, you know?

Wow, big step.

I'm surprised you weren't worried about

ruining your personalized recommendations.

Oh, good God.

Hey, what do you think of these?

I think those are candles with anchors on them.

Thanks, I like 'em too.

Jerry wants our wedding to have a nautical theme

since he was born on a tugboat.

Well, a boat does have an anchor,

so you nailed it.

Okay, these are the last ones

I could find in the back.

Oh, so Carol's helping you out?

Sandra and I are committed to repairing our friendship.

Bricks on the back are lighter than pebbles in the soul,

right, Sandra?

So much lighter.

Okay, I'm gonna go see if I can find a captain's hat

that will fit Jerry's big ol' melon.

Are you sure you're okay?

Totally.

And so you know,

I'll be here for the next hour

and then I'll be in grocery,

just in case you wanna say hi later

and make sure something's not wrong.

Not that it would be.

But here and then grocery.

Oh, it looks like you swapped out those scanners

- that were causing hand cancer. - Yes.

Uh, no disciplinary write-ups in the last quarter.

- Yeah. No... no... no need. - Good.

I don't know where your nice flip-flops are, Bo.

Just wear anything.

- Excuse me just one second. - Uh-huh.

Cheyenne, you know we're not supposed to be

on personal phone calls on the floor.

Just one second.

You can't just blow it off.

You have to get here.

Take a bath with the dogs later.

My husband's being such a b-munch right now.

Okay, well, just because he's being a b-munch,

doesn't mean that's a good enough reason

to not be working.

Totally. Bye, Bo.

Honestly, this never happens.

Well, it's hard to police phone stuff.

Well, not for me, it isn't.

Attention employees. Uh, listen up.

Just a reminder that this couch here is not a mobile hot spot.

No cell phones, per usual.

Don't know why I have to say it again.

Can whoever is talking keep it down?

We're trying to watch news anchor fails

and the sound quality's full "garbagio."

She did put her phone away.

Listen up, scrodes.

My name is Dina Fox, and my goal here today is

to cure you lowlife scum of your criminal tendencies

and transform you into upstanding citizens.

If that's even possible.

Ah! Sorry I'm late.

Oh, I thought I saw a manatee on the side of the road.

Hoo-hoo.

Turns out, it was just a gray sweatshirt.

Oh, but that sweatshirt was huge!

Okay, just sit down, Bo. Thank you.

All right, if you pass this course,

The store will not be pressing criminal charges.

If you fail, your crimes will be reported to the fuzz.

Right, Mateo?

I've got the local police station

right here in my contacts.

- Isn't it just 911? - Silence, scrode!

Oh, dang, dude got roasted!

Okay, first things first.

I want you all to take out

your corporate-approved workbooks

and just rip them up.

Go ahead. We're gonna do things

a little bit differently here today.

That's it, go on.

Yeah. Ha-ha.

All right.

Anyone who ripped up their workbook has failed.

You just destroyed company property.

- Get out! - Aw, man.

That's the third time I've fell for this.

"Attention employees,

please gather in the break room

for our regularly-scheduled refresher on store rules."

I'm emphasizing "regularly-scheduled"

because it's underlined twice

on this piece of paper Amy just handed me.

Okay, no phones on the floor,

Laptops are for customers.

If there's time to lean, there's time to...

Oh, I know, dream.

No, not dream.

- Lean. - I just said lean.

Oh, come on, guys. You know she means clean,

which most of us are already doing

in our downtime anyway.

Yep, that's right.

'Cause we know if we ever stopped

working our tails off,

Amy will swoop in to smack us around.

Well, not quite smack us around,

but write us up.

Yeah, no, I don't hit my employees.