Smoke Sauna Sisterhood (Savvusanna sõsarad)

Greetings, dear sauna!

I remember when I was little

then children weren't taken to a hairdresser.

Instead some lady just took out the scissors.

I remember how this scissor-lady wondered and sighed:

"How will you, a poor girl, manage growing up?

She has no hope as a woman: twisted teeth, too skinny.

Blue circles under eyes, hair so thin."

No one told me directly that I'm ugly, but it was implied.

People were concerned that you were not up to par.

Exactly!

My sister had long blonde hair and father loved to say:

"So pretty, like something handmade."

Everyone admired her.

In my case people just asked how I'm doing at school

and whether I have good grades.

That's what my relatives expected from me.

I remember that I went to my mother to ask,

is it so that I'm not beautiful at all?

Mother must have wanted to comfort me. She said:

"Well yes, but you are unique!"

I realized that I'm really not beautiful.

And with such knowledge it wasn't easy to be in the women's world.

It took me a long time, before I started to feel beautiful.

I think I was in my forties when I started to feel beautiful.

I feel that it was a huge blow for my mother

that she had a daughter... who is fat.

...who is not suitable to be a ballerina.

She herself dreamt of becoming a ballerina.

In relation to that I remember that the best compliment from my mother,

that me and my sisters have received,

is when she has said: "Oh, you've become so skinny!"

This is the best praise.

When you hear that you feel - now I'm good!

First memories of my mother are that she stands in front of a mirror

and observes herself.

She has lifted her clothes, spins herself,

checks her butt, cellulite or whatever -

and she's not satisfied with herself.

Her dream was to get breast enhancement, so that all men would desire her.

The main thing as a woman was to attract men.

That makes you a valuable woman.

The only good thing about my body was that I had beautiful breasts

when they began to grow. Then my mother was happy.

My sister was 5 years older than me.

She developed faster. She was busty.

I was still waiting for my breasts to start growing.

I remember riding a bike with apples under my shirt -

it felt like they were jumping.

Is it steady? - Yes.

Socks on hands!

Beat the nape of my neck.

Onto the shoulders.

I knew from movies that your hair might fall out.

But I never thought that all the body hair would come off.

I went to the bathroom and my panties were full of hair.

Then I remembered that two weeks have passed

and my hair should come off.

I pulled my hair and it did come off.

One handful and another...

You just pull and that's it? - Yes.

I was sitting in front of the oven, took them and put them in the oven.

This diagnosis made me rethink life a lot.

I don't think I felt sick for a second.

I just thought that I'm very tired.

I thought I just need a vacation.

There was just a little dimple here.

I thought I'll make a Christmas present to myself

and went for a medical check-up.

It turned out...

that I have breast cancer.

My first reaction was like -

probably the fear of death - everything inside you freezes.

For about two or three days

I didn't even go to the toilet. I didn't eat.

I was canceling Christmas parties and other things.

Then I realized I'm dying in this fear of death.

I invited a friend to visit me -

I'm crying, talking and whining about death to my friend -

and then I get a phone call.

I was invited to a date.

It was such an absurd situation. I'm preparing to die here...

That laughter freed me from the fear.

I realized that I'm not dead yet - why am I wailing?

And then I decided to start living.

The first thing I did was reconsider all my Christmas party invitations.

I went to all the parties.

On the next day this man texted and apologized.

I probably wasn't the only one who received those invitations.

He said he was drunk.

I called back and said: "I don't know what these other women think...

but I am grateful to you for the rest of my life!"

You know such things happen to people,

but you never think it could happen to you.

I don't have a uterus.

I don't have one of my ovaries; part of my breast is missing.

Quite a few organs have been cut out from me.

But when I had this last operation - then I felt that...

...the soul cannot be cut away.

Wooh! Well done!

Give it once more, so it breaks off properly.

Smoke sauna is a sacred place where you cleanse yourself.

When you wash yourself clean - it is a blessing.

You can wash off all your dirt.

We thanked the person who heats the sauna.

Also the person who brought the water.

Women gave birth in smoke sauna.

The smoke sauna was heated, the mother was placed in a bath tub,

and when it was time to deliver, she was taken out of the bath tub.

Then childbirth was easy and not so painful.

When a son was born, he was the new master of the house.

But when a daughter was born - oh...

The daughter is...

No one said they wanted a daughter - a son was wanted more.

The sons worked,

but daughters had to be given away with a dowry in marriage.

My relatives have now left me in peace with this subject,

but for a while I thought I'll just make someone up.

Just to get this topic off the agenda.

I actually have very nice relatives... but yes - that opened my eyes.

I thought the problem was that no one wanted me.

And they thought, that I don't want anyone and the choice is so huge.

You start looking at it differently.

Whether there are many fish or less fish in the sea,

is actually all in your head.

Exactly.

I'm not sure if this pressure comes more from the society or from myself.

It was also very important to me to have some kind of companion.

Although, most of the time I didn't have one.

Then again - I've been married and there has been this and that.

But...

I was somewhere over 30

when I accepted that it's OK to be alone as well.

And when I then went to some family events -

funerals or things like that -

then all the time the tension just grew and grew,

because I realized I'm already 34-35.

My parents are not even asking anymore -

they have lost all hope.

They probably want grandchildren, but there are none -

and then all the time this pressure grows and grows.

I remember one especially funny moment from a funeral.

During this period I had a partner.

He wasn't with me at the funeral, but at least I could say,

that I have a man with a 12-year-old child.

And then one of my female relatives said:

"At least it's something!"

...lukewarm water.

You can drink it too, right?

Yes.

I went to a wedding recently and such a joke developed there:

to the woman who catches the bridal bouquet,

all the male guests will have to send their dick-pics.

From those pictures she can choose?

I don't remember how we got there.

Do you know what just happened?

I thought dick-pic was some new app.

I didn't understand right away.

I have never received any dick pictures.

How exactly does it work?

What exactly are they photographing?

My friend has had it and it's pretty awful.

This is some Tinder thing.

A guy starts to talk to you

and then all of a sudden a dick-pic arrives!

It's a real shock!

I wouldn't imagine that I'm on Tinder,

and then suddenly I'll send a pussy picture.

It's so funny. I can't imagine it either.

I had a partner who in the middle of sex

decided to come up with an 'interesting' role play.

Before entering me,

he said: "Ask for it!"

Like - "Beg for it!"

And then I had to say this -

there must have been a word I don't remember any more -

but basically I had to ask: "May I have the penis, please?"

And I asked it once but...

My mind went blank!

So I said: "May I have the penis, please!"

And then he said: "No, ask nicely!"

This desire to be wanted and to hear,

that she wants me so bad she begs for it.

What did he mean nicely? - The influence of porn movies?

Probably. But I guess I asked in a softer voice then.

"May I have the penis, please?"

It was so surreal.

I couldn't even get angry,

because for me it was like... greetings from the outer space.

I had never encountered such a thing before.

Have you told your mother?

Does she know?

And father?

They found out this year. Actually last year.

Directly from me.

Maybe they guessed, but probably not.

Oh, God! When was it?

2009 - almost ten years ago.

I went to a three day swimming camp.

I stayed at a friend's place. She was a very close friend of mine.