Shoot To Marry

The following presentation is rated 14A.

This presentation deals with mature subject matter

and contains scenes with coarse language,

nudity, sexuality, and violence.

Viewer discretion is advised.

- In high school, I was extremely geeky.

I desperately wanted a girlfriend.

But that was not gonna happen.

I was like Anthony Michael Hall in "Sixteen Candles" geeky.

Here's me tap dancing in the high school musical.

How did I think tap dancing

was somehow gonna get me laid?

Here's me pretending to be pregnant.

I used to show this video to girls.

Jesus, what was I thinking?

I was born here at the Grace Hospital.

I came out single,

and I'm still single.

I'm 42, I should be divorced by now.

I should be divorced and looking for wife number two,

the real love of my life.

Why didn't Amy want me?

Was it the cold sores?

I guess I've just never had good luck with women.

It sucks because all I've ever wanted is marriage.

People say, "She's out there."

Out there is a big place.

Where exactly is she?

Where is my wife?

On Christmas, I proposed to Amy,

my girlfriend of four and a half years.

She said I never should have proposed on Christmas.

Is that a thing?

What happened?

Oh, man.

It was tough.

We were having a great Christmas.

Just laughing all day.

We made turkey and we were exchanging other gifts.

I wrote a song.

And it was, maybe it was a shitty song,

but I thought it was sweet.

And then after dinner,

I present this big gift.

And I open the top for her

and there's a little ring box in it,

and she was crying and I was crying.

And then I said some nice things about her

and then proposed.

And she said yes.

But then almost immediately,

the yes was followed by, just kind of a meltdown.

She tried the ring on and she said,

"It's a beautiful ring,

"but it doesn't look good on my finger.

"We're living in Vancouver.

"We're never gonna have sex.

"Why did you sing that lyric?

"Who else have you told?"

I said, "Well, other than your dad I called my brother.

"I wanted to share it with him."

She now felt, and these are her words,

that she felt trapped.

She felt that I had tricked her

basically, by telling somebody on each side of the family,

that I had kind of locked her into this thing.

And that she didn't really have a say or feel a part of it.

The next day, she finally said,

"You know, I know this isn't what you wanna hear,

"but I don't think this would be a good idea."

I'm shit.

I'm a worthless piece of shit.

I need to find my other half.

Why am I so eager to find my other half?

I don't even like the first half.

Fucking Christ.

- Okay, let's get back to marriage.

I'll just tell you very briefly

and you can edit it together.

The secret of a good marriage

is being willing to give in to the other person

part of the time.

Daddy comes home from work.

We sit down, we have a nice dinner.

We play ping-pong after diner.

We love one another.

We are still attracted to one another after all these years.

Oh, ticked, ticked.

Well, as I tell everyone,

We have sex almost almost every night of the week.

Almost on Monday, almost on Tuesday, almost on Wednesday.

I've always said that laughter's the best medicine.

- But that was before Viagra. - That was before Viagra.

That's right.

You know, when it comes to marriage,

everyone's a little bit, kind of nervous.

Is this the right person?

How's it gonna work out?

I mean, are we gonna get along?

Are we gonna stay together for a lifetime?

One never knows, but as it turned out,

it's been a bliss for me

and I think for you too, right, honey?

- 50 years ago, my parents went on a blind date

and that was that.

It just seemed so easy for them.

They honeymooned in Jamaica.

My dad filmed the whole thing.

He got footage of the Jewish cemetery

and every naked woman he could find.

But his heart beat for only one woman.

Love you.

- Okay, good, are we done? - Okay.

- Yeah. - Yeah, okay.

- Okay, I'm gonna get dinner organized.

- And turn the furnace on. - I will.

I will. - That's the first thing

you have to do. - Honey.

This is what I want.

Someone who sticks around when life gets boring.

A wife to grow old with.

Someone to laugh at my jokes.

Just have to find her.

Internet dating blows ass.

I've hired a professional matchmaker to find me a wife.

- How would your friends describe you?

I have no friends.

Age-range wise?

Maybe, I'm 42.

- I would say, like, 28 to 35 is maybe...

Steve.

- Listen, I'm being honest with you.

Great, I blew it on the second question.

The matchmaker thinks I should be dating a woman my own age.

She sets me up with a playwright named Colleen.

- You're gonna do this the whole time, aren't you?

Hi, what's that?

- You're gonna do this the whole time?

- Yeah, we're going to film the whole time.

Colleen invites me up to try her Indian cooking.

This is my first date since the breakup,

and it feels weird being in another woman's apartment.

- So, you've never had chana masala before?

- I don't know what you're saying.

Chana masala.

- I don't know what word that is.

- This is my dog! - Oh, look at that...

You've got a cute little guy here.

Dating is the worst.

As soon as you call it a date, it makes everything awkward.

So what shows did you have at the Fringe Fest?

Okay, okay, okay.

Well, I did have other plays picked for festivals

that were actually chosen when I first started.

So, it wasn't just like randomness.

Like, people thought I was maybe okay, or talented.

But then I wanted, I had an obsession with poo for ever.

Like, I used to have a Hotmail account called Fecal Fanatic.

- I'm not sure Colleen is my type.

I don't mind her obsession with feces,

I just prefer a woman with longer hair.

The problem with the matchmaker

is she's only gonna set me up with her other clients.

It's me and a bunch of other rejects cross-pollinating.

I wonder if Kate is single?

I'm on my way to visit Kate,

an old acquaintance I haven't seen in years.

Kate is a gifted artist and I've always had a thing for her.

So, I sent her a text asking if I can shoot

a little documentary about her art.

- Oh my God, this is such a fancy car.

You got a Mustang?

Well I did that for you.

I did that for you.

How are you?

Are we gonna...

- I'm good. - It's nice to see you.

- Have you read Mia Farrow's biography?

- No, but I think Mia Farrow's a little kooky.

Our conversation turns to pedophilia,

spousal abuse and suicide.

But all I can focus on is how nice it feels

to have Kate touch my shoulder.

It's the most action I've gotten in months

and I've been craving human contact.

If Kate was a black teen in a hoodie,

the cops would shoot her dead.

But no one seems to mind a beautiful woman with a spray can.

I try to think of questions to ask Kate,

but I can't think of any.

She's figured out I have a crush.

What a smile.

- There you go. - I love Kate, Steve Markle.

There it is.

Just as I would have written it if I had the guts.

Just call me mind reader.

Yeah.

Kate's art is fantastic.

She blends fine detail with broad strokes.

Gold and red, elements of fantasy, astrology, and sexuality.