IDIOTSITTER 2016

- Both: Boo! - Ahh!

What a sensual fall.

What the hell are you guys doing?

- Playing Boo. - I'm winning.

You guys are gonna hurt someone.

Ooh, good idea, Billie.

Extra points to make someone fall down.

Yes, yes, yes.

Hey, did you know that Bigfoot's

an interdimensional time traveler?

- Get out of my room! - We'll talk about it later.

Chet!

- Boo! - Ah, jeez!

Ah! Oh!

- Boo! - Ahh! Ahh!

Joy, I need help out of this.

I think you're still winning.

What? No flipping way.

Give it to me.

But not for long.

Watch this.

Boo!

You won.

Ha ha!

I can't believe you're wearing that shirt to the funeral.

Why, is it too tight? Can you see my nipples?

No, it's okay. You know what?

- She's coming. Cross... - Stop.

Don't jiggle my tits.

I'm not jiggling your tits.

You jiggled it.

- Don't molest me. - I'm not mo...

Hi, Virginia. How are you?

I wasn't molesting her.

Let's make this snappy.

I have to get home and sign divorce papers

so my husband can start his new life with my sister.

Come on.

The alarm will be off,

but the GPS will still be enabled.

I'm sorry about your sister.

Thank you.

Your first soul mate is your sister.

Yeah, exactly.

Must have really, like,

knocked your socks off, you know.

I feel shaken.

- Yeah. - I'm sorry too.

What the hell... what...

- What did you say? - That was hurtful.

Oh, I was saying I'm sorry, too, for your sister.

- Ah, ah, no. - My poor sister?

That's who you're sorry for in this scenario.

I think what this stupid idiot was trying to say was

you were talking about GPS.

- Thank you. - Yeah. So...

If you go off route,

because the GPS is still enabled,

the police will be notified.

Mm-hmm.

Other than that, you've got four hours,

which should be ample time for the service

and the round trip.

- Thanks. - Yeah.

Have a great time at your friend's funeral.

- Thank you. - Sure.

I will.

Last one to the car's a bitch, 'cause it's you.

Okay.

All right, thank you.

So much for... oops.

That's... never mind that. I'll get it.

- I'll let you get that, yeah. - It's an ornate ball.

Um, Virginia, could I... sorry.

Hi, can I just ask you...

I'm not gonna take her for you.

Okay. Um...

Can I just tell you, just between friends, I...

Friends?

Let's not put a label on it.

I just... I had a very traumatic childhood experience

at a funeral,

and I think if I go, I might have a panic attack.

- Oh, my God. - Yeah.

Let me ask you something, okay, while we're sharing.

Mm-hmm.

Have you ever walked in on your husband

nosediving your sister in your marital bed?

Uh, no... uh?

Right up in there?

No. I had a cat that moved in with my neighbor...

- Have her back by 6:00. - Okay.

- Bye. - Oh, bye.

Ooh, turn left. There's a water park.

- You missed it. - We have to stay on this road.

Ooh, ooh, ooh, State Farm. There's probably a petting zoo.

- Let's stop. - We don't have time, okay?

We're not going anywhere except for the funeral.

- Why are you so sweaty? - I'm not sweaty.

I'm just concentrating on getting there.

- Turn right on Glen Road. - Oh, God!

You okay?

- Yeah. - No, it's Chunky Cheese!

I have to pee.

Hold it.

I can't. It's slippery.

It's not slippery.

There's a bathroom at Chunky Cheese's,

and they've got moving animals.

- Let's stop. - Absolutely not.

Please.

I'm just saying I have to make wet.

No, you're just saying you'd rather go

to a rat-themed restaurant than your best friend's funeral.

- You're avoiding. - Oh, my gosh.

That's like the least true thing anyone's ever said, okay,

because I'm frickin' psyched to go to Chet's funeral.

You shouldn't be psyched either.

This is serious, okay?

I mean, look at what you're wearing.

Don't tell me how to grieve!

I still have to one.

Okay.

Calm down.

- Call it up. - Oh, God.

Relax. It's just me.

I know.

Here, have a juice box.

Thank you.

Oh, that's not juice. It's wine.

Yeah, duh.

Everybody knows that "juice" is code for "wine."

Look, I'm sorry I snapped at you earlier.

Oh, it's okay.

You're not the coolest person. I get that.

Can I tell you something?

No. Wait. Yeah.

Eh...

Okay.

Um, when I was five,

at my grandmother's funeral,

my mom told me to go give her a kiss good-bye,

so I did, but her casket

was on this lowering mechanism thingy,

so they had to get me a stool so I could reach her.

And when I leaned in to kiss her, I fell in,

and the casket shut behind me, and they couldn't get it open,

so I was just trapped in there with my dead grandmother

for 15 minutes, and I haven't been to a funeral since.

And?

And then the cast of "Friends" showed up.

Really? The whole cast?

- Wait, was Gunther there? - No.

'Cause it doesn't count if he wasn't.

Forget it. Let's just go do this thing.

Fine.

- Wait. - What?

Okay, we won't go.

Chet won't care that we're not gonna be there.

And, like, you're all freaked about your grandma,

and my hat's stupid,

and you got me all in my head about my shirt, so...

You know what? I... yeah, hmm.

- Mm, yes, now that I... - What?

I like it. It's nice.

- Yeah. - I don't know.

No, I think it's a really nice way

to capture the moment, okay?

- Yeah. Wait. - Gene.

- Okay, we should go. - Yeah.

I mean, Chet would be totally bummed if I wasn't there.

- Yeah. - Right?

- Yeah. - I mean, why didn't

- you think of that? - I didn't think...

- I shouldn't not go. - So we'll go?

- I'm his best friend. - Yeah.

- Billie? - Yes.

It'd be crazy if I wasn't there.

- Okay. - Wait.

Stop doing that, please, okay?

- Okay. - No.

Pull into the parking lot over there.

I'll meet you outside in ten.

Where are you going?

I have to fix this, for Chet.

- Wait, no... - Ten!

I'm gonna vomit.

"Pairing suggestions:

lukewarm lentil soup."

Where is she?

Ow

You look sharp.

Thank you.

I mean, it smells a little armpit-y,

but that's rental territory for you.

Where are all my juice boxes?

Hey, will you make sure Chet's coffin doesn't eat me?

Wilhelmina...

- Brown. - Brown.

Wilhelmina Brown, you're drunk.