M*A*S*H

Anybody know what time it is?

Quarter past catatonic.

I got 20 past.

Maybe we oughta synchronize our exhaustion.

At times like this,

I feel a debt of gratitude

to that old Kentucky gent

who discovered that you can do more with barley

than make soup.

You are referring, of course, to bourbon,

the grape Nehi of alcoholic beverages.

I prefer something a little more elegant myself.

Who gives a rat's hat? So long as it numbs the noggin.

Here we are, folks, hot off the press. Last month's bar tabs.

Don't push. Everybody gets one.

Just put my tab on my tab.

All right, this time you've gone too far, Igor.

This isn't a bill. It's a phone number.

‐$38.20? ‐(Margaret Chuckles)

I can't be responsible for this.

I must have been drunk at the time.

‐I double‐checked it, sir. ‐$38?

Mine's only 22. You win falling away.

Well, I'm not surprised, Pierce,

the way you bend your elbow.

Give me a double scotch.

That must be over 150 drinks.

Gin and tonic.

‐Bourbon, neat. ‐Cognac.

I could have saved this money and bought a Studebaker.

Big deal. You'd have just driven it to some bar.

This is just the tip of the ice cube.

What about Rosie's? What about the still?

Relax, Pierce.

Even my own alcoholic consumption's been elevated

since I landed in this leper colony.

When I go back to civilization,

it will return to normal as it will for all of us.

How do you know that? I don't.

I've never gone home from a war before.

How do I know I won't set up a still in my own living room?

Hawk, there's nothing to worry about. You'll see.

Yeah, well, I'm gonna see now. I'm not gonna drink anymore.

‐(all laughing) ‐I mean it! I quit!

‐Ha! ‐Oh, I get it.

Stop now, avoid the Christmas lush.

Pierce, a two‐ton bar tab

is no reason to take the pledge.

Not forever. Just for a week.

I want to prove to myself I can do it.

‐You want to join me? ‐Are you kidding?

I quit not drinking when I was a kid.

Okay, have it your way. But I'm gonna put myself to the test.

You know anything from Naughty Marietta?

‐Nope. ‐Good. Sing that.

Come on. Wakey, wakey.

Coffee's hot. Get it before the scum settles.

Pierce, you remind me of a dog I once had.

He, too, was cheerful in the morning,

so I gave him to a family of immigrant Japanese,

and they ate him.

Come on, Marie.

Aah! You filthy swine!

Hee hee hee hee! Hey, come on.

You don't want to be late for your hangover.

Hawkeye!

Hawk, you shaved.

Cleaned, pressed.

It's revolting.

What is it, parents' day?

Oh, sure.

Poke fun at the able‐bodied.

While you two were embalmed, I found out

that there's gallons of hot water at this hour.

I showered twice, shaved, shampooed.

It's fun getting up without the wrath of grapes.

Good morning, men of medicine! Mail call!

‐(grunts) ‐(growls)

Excuse me. I seem to have stumbled

into the critical ward.

Actually, they're rejects from triage.

Sir, you look wonderful.

Where's the souse we've come to know

and pick up off the floor?

I'm spending a week on the wagon.

This is the new Hawkeye Pierce.

‐No preservatives. ‐You're quitting drinking?

‐Uh‐huh. ‐I better call my broker

and dump my Seagram's stock.

Corporal, I believe you mentioned mail.

Would you please complete your appointed rounds?

Oh, yeah, sure. Light load today, postal patrons.

Winchester, C. E., three.

Give me that!

Next time I make this delivery,

I suggest you keep this man on a leash.

My sister Honoria.

Isn't she the lady wrestler?

Spare me your delirium tremens wit.

Hey, Beej, come on. Get up. Get dressed.

We got time to play some golf.

Are you kidding? I'm in no condition to drive.

See what you've done to yourself?

Your body is a temple, and the Philistines have dropped in.

Dear God in heaven!

What happened in Boston, Charlie?

Honoria lose the big tag team match?

How could she have allowed this to happen to her?

Mother and Father must be beside themselves.

What's the matter? Is she sick?

Worse than that.

She's engaged... to an Italian!

Klinger!

Klinger! Klinger!

What a time for that dolt to be off playing post office.

All right. Hello?

H‐Hello?

Hello? H‐‐

Hello? Of course this infernal contraption doesn't work.

Why should it? Wasn't Marconi an Italian?

Hel‐‐Hello.

About time.

I want to place a call to Boston, Lawrence 8464.

Yeah, Boston, Massachusetts, you geographic whiz.

Who am I? Who are you? Sparky, eh?

Well, Sparky, flash this call through immediately!

I‐‐ It's an emergency! I need no authorization!

Oh, is that so? Well, I am a major,

and you are a supercilious twit

with a name befitting a cocker spaniel!

Now, for the last time‐‐ Klinger! Thank heaven.

Here, explain to Alexander Dumb Bell

that I must get through to Boston immediately.

Boston, Massachusetts?

No! It's spending the winter in Florida.

Hello? Uh, to whom do I have the pleasure?

Sparky. Sparky.

Sparky! Hey, long time no‐‐

Huh?

Well, I, uh‐‐ I can't talk about it now.

He's standing right next to me.

All right. I'll tell him.

‐Well? Well? Well? ‐Sorry.

No personal phone calls to the zone of interior.

‐Matters of military urgency only. ‐This is‐‐

‐No exceptions. ‐This is military urgency!

My sister has surrendered to an Italian!

Wow! This could be the end of civilization as we know it.

Klinger,just get me through to the telegraph office in Seoul.

No can do. Guerrillas knocked it out yesterday.

Just relax, sir.

Relax? Are you insane?

How would you feel if your sister were marrying

a swarthy, dark‐haired olive picker?

She did. And for your information, Major,

so did my mother and my grandmother,

not to mention the future Mrs. Max Klinger,

whoever she is!

Did I say something to offend him?

Colonel, it is imperative that I get to Boston.

Boston, Massachusetts?

Yes! Yes! Boston, Massachusetts.

Now,just hang on to your homburg, Winchester.

You come barreling into your C. O.'s bunkhouse,

bellow at him like a berserk buffalo,

aggravating his anger and his hangover,

all because you want to bug out.

How'd you like to be spending the rest of the war

with a bull's‐eye on your dome?

Perhaps I have expressed myself with too much pique.

I'm under terrible stress. You see,

my beloved sister Honoria has betrothed herself.

Well, congrats all around. Who's the lucky caballero?

No! No!

No! You don't understand.

The man is Italian.

Okay. Lucky paisano.

Look, I know how much you want to be there for the nuptials.

But if I let you leave,

people will be wanting furloughs for Groundhog Day.

Sir, I do not wish to attend the nuptials.

I wish to prevent them.

How's that?

Surely as a horseman you can understand.

You do not sire a fine thoroughbred with Tony the Pony.

Well, when you put it that way, I can see your problem.

Permission denied. Good night.

Sir! Consider poor Honoria.

She's young, she's infatuated. She's an idiot!

Look, boy,

aren't you being a bit highfalutin on this score?

This is America.

Remember those words inscribed on the lady with the lamp?

"Give us your tired, your poor, your huddled masses"?

What do you think slums are for?

New sheets for old. New sheets for old.

Excuse me, doctor. If you're finished,

we'd like to change the linen.

All through. Change that dressing this afternoon,

and under no circumstances is he allowed to flamenco.