MASH - Sixth Season (M*A*S*H)

Will you, for cryin' out loud, cut it out! Stop it! Will you stop it!

Just stop it! Just leave us alone! Will you cut it out!

If only we could get some news, any news.

You boys better get some sleep. We're gonna miss 'em in O. R. tomorrow.

I can't sleep. I keep expecting him to walk through the door.

I've said an entire novena in one night.

I guess we'll just have to wait.

I'm sure they're all right. They must be going through hell out there.

[ Incoming Shells In Distance ]

Colonel, this guy you said couldn't wait has been waiting 45 minutes.

All right. Hold your horses. B. J.?

I got him. Put him down on the end and get him ready.

Send Kellye over here to close for me. Kellye, thread your needle.

Father, retract this for me. Right.

Great. Musical scalpels. Give me a clean gown.

I hope you're shaking a leg, Winchester.

Colonel, my graceful fingers are dancing o'er the innards of this hapless doughboy,

and, when I am done, I shall be done.

‐ I'm sorry I asked. ‐ That's what I had in mind.

Anybody know where Hawk and Margaret are and why nobody's out looking for them?

I spoke to the chaplain at "I" Corps a few minutes ago. And?

No help. They still won't send up a spotter plane for a search.

His C. O. just won't budge. Did you tell him we're desperate?

Rather vividly. I'm afraid my anger may cost me a few days in purgatory.

Your heart was in the right place, Father. I wish mine was.

Right now, it's in my mouth‐‐ waiting for somebody to do something.

You know, his abrasive personality to one side,

Pierce was a skilled surgeon.

Charles, it's a bit premature to be speaking well of the dead.

Colonel, did you get through to the 8063rd yet?

Still floating on a sea of static.

A little more retraction there, if you please, Father. Oh, yes. Sorry.

I'm afraid I'm not as sharp a nurse as Margaret.

If the truth be known, Margaret was a superior nurse.

Charles, will you quit talking about them in the past tense?

How would you like me to talk about them‐‐ in the future tense?

Yes, actually.

We could all say a little prayer that they'll come home tonight.

That's not too far in the future, is it, Major?

Touché, Father.

Oh, yeah.

Hmm.

Mm.

Well.

Hi. Hi.

Did you sleep well?

Gee, I don't know. I was unconscious most of the time.

How about a nice, big breakfast?

Great. What'll we do, call room service or go down to the coffee shop?

Do we still have those canned peaches?

I don't know. I'll see. No. You just rest. I'll fix breakfast.

Oh.

Oh. I wish we had the caviar.

Yeah.

Oh, no peaches.

Crackers and jam. Well.

Well, that's not so bad. That's all right.

A continental breakfast.

The continent of Atlantis. The what?

That's the one that sank. Oh. Yeah.

That's like a joke.

Similar.

You know, I really love your sense of humor.

There have been times in the O. R. no one could see under my mask,

I was smiling at everything you said.

Sometimes I'd be standing right next to Frank,

and you'd get off a really good one on him,

and I'd just be grinning from ear to ear.

No kidding.

How did you feel about me... under your mask?

You know, a lot of the stuff that came out of my mouth and through my mask...

was just fatigue and craziness.

I know. I think I always knew.

I mean, I've always felt that you were a very attractive,

very, uh,

attractive person.

And there we were, hiding behind our masks all the time.

‐ Yeah. ‐ If only I'd have known before I met Donald.

‐ You know? ‐ Yeah.

Oh! I must look awful.

You look fine. Wonderful.

Ah! Here I am‐‐ no lipstick, no comb,

dust all over my face.

Well, I guess if I could pass muster on a morning like this,

I can't be that bad.

You look great, Margaret. Oh!

I wish I had my toothbrush.

If I don't keep my teeth polished, they get positively dim.

You have the whitest teeth I've ever seen.

Oh, I‐I always thought they were my weak point.

‐ Margaret, you could read by your teeth. ‐

You know what I like about you?

You don't shower a woman with empty praise.

You say very little.

But when you do give a tiny, little compliment,

it means so much more.

Doug, have you got a second? Hey, Beej, how's it goin'?

Lousy. Pierce and Houlihan have been missing for a day and a half.

We can't get "I" Corps to send a plane to look for them.

I know. I got orders to stay on the ground too.

If we don't find them, the North Koreans will.

I'm not just gonna sit here and let that happen. You're not?

No. We're not. "We"?

You, me and my chopper? The three and only.

You and I could get into an awful lot of trouble, and so could my chopper.

I don't have any authorization. You fly through machine gun fire to pick up wounded G. I. s.

What kind of authorization do you have for that?

Anybody from "I" Corps sees us up there,

there ain't gonna be a sling big enough to hold our butts.

Aylesworth, nobody's gonna see us up there but the North Koreans.

All they got is guns. All right.

All right. You know I can't turn down a chance to get shot at.

Margaret, you certainly are a delicious cook.

Wait until you see what I do with leftovers.

Well, here we are‐‐ two sleepy people by dawn's early light...

hoping they won't get shot before lunch.

Who'd have thought we'd wind up together like this?

Makes you stop and think, doesn't it?

There's somebody out there! Get down!

Get down? I can't get up. No, no, no, no! Stay there.

It‐It's all right. Don't panic, darling. We'll be all right.

It's a North Korean. "Darling"? We'll be fine. Just relax.

Margaret, there's a man in uniform out there, and he's not here to read the meter.

‐ We gotta get outta here. ‐ He‐He won't come in.

Look, he's scavenging. He filled his pockets,

and he's coming in here to look for more goodies.

Come on! My leg doesn't work. It stiffened up overnight.

Try to move! Please!

He's almost here!

Oh, forget it. Hide! Hide!

Come here, come here! Get under. Come on.

Get down, get down.

Don't touch him! He may be booby‐trapped.

He's got a belly wound.

God, this guy was out there stealing pennies from a dead man.

He's only got a couple of hours left himself.

What crazy place is this?

How hungry can they be? He could have killed us.

I doubt it‐‐ not if you'd offered him breakfast.

Who knows how many more there are out there?

What's that?

It's a chopper. It's one of ours!

We're saved! Margaret!

Hey! Hey!

Here we are! Hey!

Hey! Here we are! Hey!

Nothing. How about your side? Not a thing.

MASH 4077 to Red Four. Over.

Give me that. Come in, Red Four. Do you read me?

That's Potter. Well, do we answer?

Suppose the radio's broken for another five minutes.

I know you can hear me, damn it. Now pick up the phone.

Is he gonna be mad when we get back.

Not if we find them. Let's keep looking.

‐ No! Oh! Oh! ‐ They gotta be here. Where are they?

Listen, you nitwits! You are in such big trouble,

you're gonna need a lawyer just to land again.

First my chief surgeon and my head nurse disappear, and now you.

Wait a minute. What's that? It's a MASH jeep.

‐ Colonel Potter, it's B.J. I think we found them. ‐ What? Where are you?

Uh‐oh.

Doesn't this thing go any faster?

‐ ‐ They got the antenna.

Let's get outta here!

[ Helicopter Departing, Motor Sputtering ] Oh! Oh! Hawk‐‐ Hawkeye!

Ah! Ah!

They were hit! They went back!

Did you hear the shooting? Come on! We've gotta get outta here!

Where's the sulfa? Come on! They'll be here any minute!

Here it is. Darling, will you move, please?

There are people out there who want to kill us! Give me a hand here.

You're not taking him with us? Don't be silly. This is our date.

I'm gonna give him a quarter and send him to the movies. He's the enemy!

That's funny. He bleeds just like our side.

Ah! My leg is coming along really well.

Listen to me. You've got to try to walk.

They'll be here any minute. They'll find him.

Suppose they don't come in here. He'll die. Everybody comes in here!

We came in. He came in. It's Grand Central Station in here!

Move! Please!

Look. I love how brave you are.

It's thrilling, really.

I love to see a strong man who takes charge like that.

Now do what I tell you! Walk to that door!

Ah, my brave soldier. You're wonderful.

You're my inspiration.

Shake a leg!

You wanna trade places, fella?

Let me tell you, Hunnicutt. Stealing a U. S. Army helicopter...

is slightly more serious than grabbing the family car Saturday night.

I think we found them. We spotted a jeep, and I think I saw Margaret.

You know the coordinates? Yeah. I got 'em.

Come on. The North Koreans are backing off.

The 8063rd can send out a search party.

Sorry about the chopper. I'm taking it out of your allowance.

I like my men neat. And not on the rocks?

When we get back, I'm gonna get you a new shirt.

This one's nice, but I hate it.

This shirt has stains on it that hold fond memories for me.

You know, you don't have to make a joke about everything.