UnREAL

August is like the perfect sperm donor.

I'll be the dad.

This is our child.

I'm not gonna sugarcoat the situation.

At your age, chances of a live birth are around 5%.

5%.

Some women are not meant to be mothers,

and you're one of 'em.

This is about my family, and that's not you.

- Mm. - It's okay.

Get off of her!

The second that we heard the screams,

we all ran into the control room.

- That's not even true. - I have the proof, Jay.

You doctored the footage.

Maya was, like, full-on obsessed with Roger.

Lock her up! Lock her up!

To hell with being a producer.

You're the suitress.

This video's going somewhere I didn't expect.

This is our producer Rachel Goldberg.

She's just here for herself.

Marry me.

I want out.

Okay, now that Quinn's gone,

we can finally get down to business.

Set this place up for maximum efficiency...

move in a king size bed right here.

Yeah! I mean, we can be America's, you know,

first two-person Reality TV sweatshop.

No, I'm serious.

All this time wasted

commuting, eating, sleeping.

I'm just saying, we should be packing in

as much development and production

in the next couple years before we have kids.

Kids?

You're so easy.

We can talk about kids later. It's not a deal breaker.

Listen, I was, um, picking up the rings

from our diamond guy for the finale,

and, uh...

Well, I, uh, I got you this.

Tommy, you shouldn't have.

I want to weigh that finger down.

You okay?

I just never thought that I would be this girl.

Uh, sorry to interrupt whatever is, uh...

Is that one of the rings for the finale?

- Uh, yeah. - No.

Yeah. Right. Okay.

Uh, the network's here, and Fiona scares me, so...

All right, listen.

Quinn might have treated you guys like children,

but a 20-share is grown up people numbers.

Mm. Well, I'm glad that we could deliver for you.

You're halfway there.

The board is happy about the 20,

but no one's really buying

the spinoff of the winning couple,

"Happily Everlasting."

Really? I, um...

I thought that was a done deal.

It is. Ish.

It's been a balls-out season,

but there's not exactly a great romance to root for.

You see my problem?

Well, uh, you know, true love in a hurry on steroids

- is our speciality. - Uh-huh. Yeah, sure.

We can deliver you a real-ass couple

with our eyes closed.

But what's in it for us?

How about a job next season?

Not a bad first offer.

What the hell do you want, then?

A five-year deal.

Rachel can showrun. I'll back her up.

I don't care what my title is

as long as we can do it together.

Wait. So you guys are a team now?

- Like officially? - No, no, no. This is insane.

Okay? Rachel's an actual criminal.

And I've been here an eon longer

- than butt chum Tommy. - Okay, Jay.

You owe me the love stories.

But... if you can put a cherry on top,

bust our ratings record, and get me a 21-share,

I'll give you a three-year deal.

Oh, my G...

That works.

All right. Get on it, then.

Wait! Madison, wait.

Let me explain. I didn't mean for any of this

to happen, but Rachel and I are...

I am breaking up with you, Tommy Castelli!

Effective immediately!

... engaged.

Rachel and I are engaged.

Sorry.

I-I really should have told you first.

You just made the biggest mistake of your life.

You pissed off the Junior Vice President

of Current Non-Scripted at VCN.

Good luck at this network. Or anywhere else.

I have a lot of friends in this town...

a lot of friends... in a lot of places.

Hey, Fiona, you have a second?

What's up?

Bonnie and Clyde in there ain't the only ones

you need to keep sweet.

Really? Is that some kind of a threat?

Pick up "Passport to Dance" for a second season,

and we're all good.

And why in the hell would I do that?

Well, because if you don't, I'm gonna go tell the press

that I'm the producer who filed that complaint,

that I made it directly to you,

and you swept the entire, fetid-ass thing under the rug.

This makes me incredibly sad, Jay.

No, no no no. You don't get to be sad.

Okay? This is outrage.

It makes me sad that you feel so invisible,

you have to stoop

to these assholes' level to get ahead.

These assholes are winning. On your watch.

These assholes

are bringing me ratings.

I'm pretty sure you started erasing yourself

a long time ago.

Is season two of a failing dance show

really the best you think you can do?

What else did you have in mind?

Find some self-respect,

start thinking bigger.

No one else is gonna do that for you.

You were right.

I am, like, so far gone.

I just screwed up.

Big time. Can... Can I come in?

Really not a good time.

Can I just say something?

Can I just say that, like,

everything that I did with Noelle and Maya, I...

I'm just having a really hard time living with myself.

I mean, my hair is falling out.

I'm, like, sick.

And, um, I'm really ready to change.

- Really? Are you sure? - Yeah.

Because, I mean, as far as I can tell,

you're still the same lost, self-indulgent,

spoiled brat you were the day I met you.

No, come on, Quinn.

- Seriously, come on. - I am serious.

Okay? It never ends with you.

You love feeling bad.

You roll around in it like a pig in shit.

You wanted that stupid cabin,

I helped you get that cabin.

Then you wanted to put a ring on it,

and as ballistically mental as that was, look!

- I... - Crazy Rachel got that, too.

So what now? You having cold feet?

No. I'm just trying to make things right.

I mean, come on. Isn't this what you wanted?

I am so sick and... and deeply tired

of you pretending to be a better person than you are.

You are a bad person, Rachel Goldberg.

You do bad things.

And so do I.

But at least I admit it.

Quinn, I am admitting it. Okay?

That's why I'm here. Yeah, well, it's too late.

I finally realized what everybody else

has known about you for a very long time.

- And what's that? - That you are a bad bet.

I have an actual life to live.

I am out of the Rachel Goldberg business for good.

Come on! What do you want?

You want me on my hands and knees, groveling?

It wouldn't hurt, because at least

you'd be committing to something.

Come on, Quinn. How is this not enough?

You wanted to be the showrunner.

Now you are the stinking showrunner.

So why don't you grow up

and go run your show?

Quinn!

Please let me in!

Quinn King!

Come back here!

I am not done talking to you!

Hey.

How are we supposed to make America care

about these couples?

I don't care about them.

All right. Forget about the couples.

And forget about romance.

Uh, we sorta promised Fiona...

No. We promised Fiona a 21-share.

And we are never gonna get there with romance.