Uncle Buck

Hey, baby. How you feeling?

I can't have sex right now.

Oh, my God, how did you know what I was thinking?

Are you in my head?

Will, you have tells.

I have sex tells?

Yeah.

Tone of voice, body movements, shallow, desperate breathing.

Baby, I would love to do it right now,

but I can't relax with your brother in the house.

The man has no boundaries.

Oh, hey.

Uh, do you have any more of these fancy yogurts?

It's really helping me with my bubble guts.

He pops up like a ghost.

A ghost that wears too much cologne.

Then I guess we'll have to do it in hotels.

Get ready. It's gonna get pricey.

Ooh.

Baby?

Are there...

Are there earthquakes in Chicago?

Not that I know of.

Get the kids!

Kids?! Honey, hurry up!

Baby, I'm right next to you.

If this is the end of the world, I'm gonna be so mad

I wasted so much time trying to save this stupid planet!

Where's Miles and Maizy? Kids?!

Maizy: We're down here, Mom!

What are you two doing?

It's 11:30 at night.

We're watching "San Andreas."

Yeah, we're watching The Rock fight an earthquake.

We're eating night dinner.

Uncle Buck says

it's the fourth most important meal of the day.

Ask Will.

He know.

Yeah, something we invented as children.

Kind of surprised he's still doing it.

We're eating mac and cheese and French toast.

The syrup ties it all together.

Okay, you two, in bed.

- Good night. - Good night. - Good night.

So, uh, Buck, you know tomorrow's your first morning

handling things with the kids.

Yeah, the day starts pretty early, bro.

Yeah.

Man, Buck don't need no sleep.

I got the car gassed up, I'm sleeping in my clothes tonight.

I got you, baby.

There's no way he's got this.

Would you give him a chance? He hasn't even left the gate.

Honey, we have been through five nannies.

If night dinner is any indication, this is not gonna work.

If Buck can't do this,

I may have to seriously consider leaving my job.

This isn't just any nanny, this is my brother.

He's resourceful.

When I was a kid, he made me a "Thriller" jacket

out of duct tape and an old car seat.

And I looked good. So just try and relax, okay?

Seriously, I can't have sex.

- Damn it! - I'm sorry.

Would you get out of my head?

Hey, Ken.

Yeah, I'm not gonna make it in the office today.

Can you conference me into the meeting later?

Fantastic. Thanks. Bye.

Show me a warrant!

Oh, good, you're up.

And you're already five minutes late.

I was born five minutes late.

Y'all really get up this early?

It's not natural.

This from the inventor of night dinner.

- Yeah, and by the way, thank you. - She's cool.

She ain't got nothing to do today but doodling and skipping.

Listen, we've got to get the lunches ready for the kids.

Uh, handled it.

I did it last night. I'm taking this seriously.

There's nothing but candy in there.

Well, if somebody step to you in the yard,

you got to have something to trade.

It's not a prison.

Well, Th-they both institutions.

And that's exactly why I'm taking the day off today.

You and I are gonna do a little ride-along.

- Like the cops? - Mm-hmm.

- I'll pass. - Don't worry, you'll be fine.

It'll be like I'm invisible.

We can use your car.

All right.

So last night, I had a moment to jot a couple things down

that we need to accomplish.

"Couple" means two.

I thought you said you'd been to college.

Mom loves a list.

She likes to collate and file... not unlike a serial killer.

I am not like a serial killer,

although I do appreciate their organizational skills.

So, Buck, we have a routine. It's a system,

and the only way this works is if you follow the system.

Well, I'm not comfortable in a system.

I like to freestyle.

Honey, this is child care, not a rap battle.

Uh, all right, so we've got lots to do.

And it'll be fun. It'll give us a chance to get to know each other.

You two in a car all day?

Please let me mount my camera to the dash.

Yeah, you know, black people fighting go viral quick.

Speaking of viral, Miles is sick.

I don't think it was a good idea

to have French toast and macaroni so late.

Oh, baby, what are your symptoms?

Puking... and the other one.

Oh, you got it bad from both ends.

You watch them, I got the list.

Uh, no, Miles will come with us.

He can sleep in the backseat, and we'll bring a bucket.

But what about the other one?

Oh.

Look, this is crazy. You're busy, baby.

So for the day, I'll work from home

and I'll take care of Miles.

Wait, Dad's gonna take care of me?

You know what? I think I'm feeling better.

Let me go get some pants.

What's wrong with me doing it? I can do it.

Why is everyone looking at the floor?

No offense, Dad, but you're really great at fun things.

But Mom's good at keeping-us-alive things.

You're not a natural at that.

You try too hard.

Okay, I accept that challenge.

Nobody challenged you, honey.

I'm gonna prove to you kids that I'm as good at this as your mother.

We're gonna have fun, buddy.

I wish I had a second camera. Dang!

Where am I?

How did I get dressed?

You're a little warm.

'Cause you wrapped me up in like five billion blankets.

Can't even move my arms.

Well, we need to check you for a fever.

So what's your jam here?

Orally, under the armpit, in the ear?

Not rectally, right?

- Dad! - You're right! I'll Bing it!

- - Damn, this is a school?!

This look like Beyoncé's wedding,

with less black people.

Well, the line is long because we're late.

But that's okay because this is a teachable moment.

Maizy, get out.

Be good. Don't do drugs.

No.

- Nobody get out. - You wound a little tight.

You need to try a little weed.

Do you smoke weed?

Uh, oh, hell no!

- What did you hear? - Now, listen to me.

There are rules at this school.

Parents are supposed to drop their kids off one at a time.

That is the way that Sandy likes it.

Mommy's scared of Sandy.

- I am not scared of Sandy! -

I'm scared of Sandy now.

Who the hell is Sandy?

That's her. She's head of school.

She guards the door like a gargoyle in a cardigan.

Hi!

She asks you what you had for breakfast,

and if you didn't eat something healthy, she shames you.

Hmm.

Well, listen, those are the rules, girls.

Those ain't Buck's rules.

I'm gonna get us back on track.

No, no!

Slow down!

Watch out!

Cindy Patrellus!

Oh, God!

What is wrong with you?

Ohh.

Damn, where she come from?

She magic.

We're in a hurry this morning, huh, Russells?

Who's this fresh face?

Oh, uh, my bad.

M-M-My gas pedal's inconsistent.

This is actually my brother-in-law, Buck,

and I told him not to do it, but he ignored me,

but the kids saw, right, kids?

You saw him ignore me, right?

Hmm. You know what?

Why don't you pull over, come in my office,

we'll have a sit and talk about drop-off policies

and other things to be mindful of.