Hoops

Gentlemen, you know what they call us?

They call us soft.

They call us losers.

They call us bitch boys.

Who calls us bitch boys?

I've said it. Me and all of your parents.

But all that stops today.

You see, boys, I've created a technique that'll toughen you up

as well as change the way basketball is taught forever.

What we're gonna do is we're gonna start practicing with these bowling balls

'cause if you can make a jump shot with a bowling ball,

then science says you can make a shit ton more with a basketball.

Science also said if Momma drank while I was in the womb,

I'd be all fucked up, but look at me now. I'm a perfect motherfucker, head to toe.

Fair enough.

Everybody come and grab one of these bowling balls,

and let's toughen up.

Fuck! Fuck! Stop! Stop fucking dribbling! Look at what you're doing, you dope!

-Don't shoot! No shooting. -

Ow!

This weighs more than the guilt of my people.

Fucking stop! Stop! Fucking stop! Don't do anything!

What'd I tell you? Fuck science.

If science is so fucking great,

how come a scientist ain't butt-fucking Kim Kardashian like that Kanye dude?

Answer me that, motherfucker.

Oh, yeah, baby! What a start!

Thank you, everybody. Thank you!

What up, Lenwood?

Let's make some noise!

What is all this?

I thought this was supposed to be a budget meeting for the team.

What do you think it is?

Jesus Christ!

I'm doing it with a little flair.

It's called fucking showmanship.

Well, show me and get to the point.

Fine. We need more money.

First of all, our uniforms are dog shit, Opal.

Take a look.

What the...

Why are you covered in marinara sauce?

There's a meatball tray out there.

So good!

How can you be that fat

when half the food ends up on your clothes?

Opal, this is what the team is now.

Fat trash covered in marinara sauce.

Jeez Louise!

But now, let's take a look

at what we could be with the right funding.

Come on out, Matty!

Look at this fucking kid, would you?

Must have something to do with Lenwood's new state-of-the-art weight room.

Man, I feel like one of those moms on the news who could lift a car.

I'm gonna throw up 30 points and 15 bounds in this fly gear.

How much would all this cost?

It's interesting that you say that 'cause it's not gonna be cheap.

OK, talk to me.

Only two easy payments

of 39,642 bucks.

But if you order right now, I'll do the whole thing for 50 grand.

What a deal!

Fifty thousand dollars?

Are you stupid, man?

The entire sports budget is $3,700.

Look, if I could somehow wave a magic wand

and find all this extra money in the school's budget,

I'd consider giving it to your ass.

Although, if I had a magic wand, I'd be sitting in Hawaii

with Denzel's face between my legs, not listening to this bullshit.

Denzel?

If someone was gonna sit in between my legs and eat my vagina,

no way it would be Denzel.

Enough of this, Ben. Denzel's eatin' me out.

That's it! Meeting's over!

Yuck! You got Grandpa Denzel Washington down there--

And guess what? He's eating it up.

Nom, nom, nom.

Enough of this talk. It's over.

Denzel's eating me.

Meeting's over.

Yeah, it's working!

That was an extremely helpful YouTube video.

Thirty-seven hundred dollars. What a slap in the face.

The presentation alone cost me 5,700 bucks.

Well, at least we get to go have that soft serve you promised us, Coach.

That always heals the hurt.

I never promised you soft serve.

Uh, yeah, you did, you liar.

Liar? If I'm such a liar, then where's the hard evidence?

Huh?

See, if you can't prove it, it's not a lie.

Now I'm pissed that you called me a liar, and I'm storming off!

I think you parked back here.

I know that. I just wanted to see some of the other cars.

-Liar. - Prove it.

I can't believe Coach didn't wanna be part of our soft-serve hang.

Like, he's always welching on his promises.

And he always gets away with it.

He has this way of lying where we can never prove it.

Like, remember the time he said he had sex

with Tina Fitzsimmons at Dave and Jill's wedding?

I always thought that was bullshit.

Oh, I'm sure it's a lie.

I assumed he made that up because we were on a break,

and he heard a rumor that I got finger-blasted by that pizza delivery guy.

Well, I heard Tina's living in Louisville.

There you go.

This Tina lie is one we might be able to prove.

Then we can shove it up Ben's ass and shut him up forever!

As the great Michael Jordan once said,

"Let's do it."

Do you mean the Nike slogan, "Just do it"?

I mean both.

Everybody just "do's" it.

Hey, Opal. Remember when you said

if I could find ways to cut the school's budget,

you'd give it all to me and my basketball team?

No. Uh-uh. Never said that.

Well, Opal, I found savings all over this dump.

Question: Why are we still teaching math?

I mean, we learned that shit, and look where we ended up.

-Are you kidding me? -Cut the whole department. Gonzo.

Also, I fired the nurse.

Nurse Mathis?

She's gone. We just saved 32 grand and freed up a handicapped parking spot.

-Dibs! -Can we just stop it?

Stop it with all this nonsense, please!

Look, I've already solved your problem for you.

I got the team a sponsor.

What?

-Oh, Opal, you fucking genius. -Ha!

Here I am trying to fuck the school out of money

when I could just fuck a big, rich sponsor out of the money.

Tell me. I'm dying. Is it Nike? Is it Adidas?

Is it Imodium A-D?

I'd love to get a taste of that big diarrhea money.

Even better.

Here, I'll show you.

You're gonna love it, Ben.

Hopkins house.

It's what I've always wanted.

This is incredible!

Fucking look at me. I'm emotional.

This is probably how Tate felt when he finally became a little man.

Oh, I see.

How, uh... nice of him.

Coach, you're having hot flashes like my mom.

If I have to look at that every day,

the next thing hanging up there will be me,

but not in the fun way like the lead singer of INXS,

who did it while masturbating.

That's a real thing.

People masturbate and hang themselves, and then they die.

I don't understand how it's masturbation, but it is.

Look it up. One of the weirdest things in the world.

Dad, what the fuck?

Get your fucking nuts out of my goddamn soup,

-you asshole! -Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

Slow down.

What are you talking about?

My team is the soup, and your sponsorship is your nuts.

Oh, OK.

Son, if I put my nuts in your soup bowl, hm,

well, there wouldn't be any room for soup.

Anyway, Opal came in here

and said it would help you out to have a sponsor.

So I said, "Yeah, why not? I help the little shit out,

get press for the restaurant. What's the harm?"

I'll tell you what the harm is, Dad.

This is my thing.

OK? It is!

I want people to know that I'm the coach.

And for once, it has nothing to do with the great Barry Hopkins.

It has to do with Ben Hopkins.

Hey, it is your thing. All right? I know that.

Everyone knows that.

The gym is your domain. I respect that, OK?

-You do? -Yeah.

That means a lot to me.

I love you, Dad. Thank you.

What in the sweet fuck is this?

Oh, no! No!

Hey, move!

This is my gym.

Get his ugly mug off my court, now!

Sorry, Ben. Orders from Opal.

She ever tell you all that stuff about Denzel Washington?