Plan B

I am sorry, sweetie.

Sorry, sweetie. You are way too drunk.

But I don't want to go home!

I know you don't want to go home, but it's time to go.

-I was having a great time! -Good night!

...was having a good time! Aah!

-Come on. Let's go. -Come on?! Come on?!

-Thank you. -Are you just hitting on me?

How you doing, folks? Good to see you.

Oh, my God. Did you guys see that?

He was hitting on me.

They don't even let you smoke in there!

What the hell's that about?!

Oh, I'm on camera?!

Whew! Cat Sajak!

Did you just buy yourself a bowel movement?

Whew. Ooh, that is fresh!

Oh, my gosh. How much did you eat?!

Do not remember feeding you that much. Ugh!

Oh. Hey.

Hey, Piper.

-Hey. -What's going on?

Good. How are you? How was your night?

Well, I mean, my band played tonight.

-I invited you, too, but... -Oh, yeah.

Yeah. It was -- It was great. It was great.

We had, like, a cheese plate in the green room.

Ooh, I love cheese. That sounds so good right now.

-This is so good. -Yeah. And --

-Yeah. Delish. Are you kidding? -We had lots of people.

We had, like, probably 15-plus. Something like that.

-Oh, my God. That's so cool. -Yeah.

That's sick. I love cheese.

-Yeah. -So, uh, so -- You --

Yeah. You look amazing tonight, by the way.

You always look amazing.

Thank you.

My pleasure.

Okay. I'm about to get real.

Do you want to come over?

-Sh-- -Yeah.

Yeah. To -- To your place?

I can't believe I just asked you that!

You're my neighbor! You're my neighbor!

But do you, though, want to come over?

Okay. Yeah.

Okay.

Oh, wow! This is a great room!

-Thank you. -It's nice.

Shut the door. Shut the door!

-Oh, wait! I got it! -Oh, I think you got it.

-Yeah. -Whoo!

- -Oh, yeah.

No, no, no, no. The hook's in the back.

The hook's in the back. The hook's in the back!

- - Whoo!

Do you have a condom?

Yes. Yes, I think so. I think so.

-Great, great. -Got one. I mean, uh...

A-ha! Bingo!

I believe you. You don't have to show it.

- - Aah!

Are you good? Can we go?

Just kind of -- yeah. Just like -- Oh.

You might want to, like, get on top of me, yeah.

Just, you know -- Climb on me like a jungle gym.

Can I touch your face? Is that okay?

Yeah, that's -- Wait. Hold -- Oh. Okay.

-Back of hand. -Oh. You smell so good.

-What is that? -Just, um --

-Is that jasmine? -Just my perfume.

It's just a cocktail of flowers --

-My mouth's here. -Mm.

My mouth's here. Just come back.

Hold on. Let me just...

Okay? Is that good?

Okay. Would you please...

Whoa!

Yeah.

This feels so right.

Fuck.

Mm!

Hey...

Peter.

Piper.

-Picked a -- -Okay.

Ahh. Heh-heh. Sorry.

I just -- Ugh.

I have a really bad headache, so...

-Mm. -Yeah. Yeah.

Who's a grumpy morning person? You are.

Hmm! Boop. Ha ha ha...

Okay. Heh.

I have to get ready for work, so...

Oh, yeah. Need a ride? I'm a certified Uber driver.

Mm.

I know you don't have a car.

Uh, my work is just a couple blocks from here,

so I'm gonna stroll on over, but thank you.

How did you know I don't have a car?

Piper, we've lived

in the same apartment complex for over a year.

This is the longest conversation we've ever had.

Uh, that's too bad because conversation is the area

that I normally get the highest ratings on.

-Mm-hm. -On all my drives.

Sorry. I just -- I'm not trying to be "that guy,"

-but I do need you to -- to go. -Yeah.

Yeah, like, back to your place 'cause --

Yeah. No prob. No worries. I gotta get going anyway.

Wheel of Fortune reruns are on at 11.

I don't want to miss that.

Plus, my cat and I, we watch it together,

and he gets bad-tempered for the day

if he misses his Vanna.

-Uh-huh. -You gotta meet him sometime.

Would love that.

Last night was really special.

Mm-hmm.

Oh. Wow. Just be -- No, you're good.

It's okay. That's a white pillow that you stepped on.

-See ya, Piper. -Okay. Bye.

Evan? What are you doing in my apartment?

Oh. Hi, Maya.

Piper and I are... seeing each other.

Yeah!

Really?!

Celebrate for me, alright?

Will you? Come on! Let's dance! Yeah! Whoo!

Evan Ebert! You are dating Evan Ebert?!

Please do not throw the "D" word around.

We are not dating.

Your girl got a little boozy, a little frisky.

Just please don't tell anyone.

Mm. Why would I tell anyone?

Babe, you're a little bit of a blabber mouth.

-We know this. -Yeah, I do like a story.

It was a one-time thing.

It is never, never happening again.

That's not what he thinks.

Ooh...

I told you she'd come around. She couldn't resist the Ev-man.

Why would you go messing around with Evan?

He's clearly always had a thing for you!

I barely know the guy.

He's just some dude who lives in our building.

I mean, I kind of thought his name was Adam

until like 20 minutes ago.

Oh, my God. Piper...

Babe, I'm so hungover,

and you're really challenging me right now, and it's a lot.

Why did you go out last night? Weren't you supposed to

be preparing for your meeting with that publisher?!

What am I supposed to do to prepare?

I don't even know exactly what that woman wants to talk to me about.

She's obviously a fan of yours.

Every time I blink, your Instagram

has like a hundred more followers.

Okay, again, I'm so hungover. You're coming at me very hot.

And I do feel the love, but --

I'm just worried about you, Piper.

I love you so much, but there's nothing to worry about.

I'm fine. I mean, I feel like true trash right now,

but otherwise I'm -- I really think I'm thriving.

Piper, I'm not paying you to look on your phone.

Okay. I'm sorry. I just -- I got an e-mail from that publisher.

She pushed back our meeting to, like, two weeks from now.

Hmm. That's too bad.

Now why don't you help out the customer right in front of you?

Hey, that's okay, there, Raheem and Piper.

But since you have your phone out,

maybe you should just take my number, you know.

Ha ha. Cameron? It's Cameron, right?

-Yes. -Yeah.

You're not exactly my type, so...

Okay. A handsome, successful

investment banker isn't your type?

Can I just take your order, please?

You know my order. You take it every day.

Yeah, I take a lot of orders every day,

so...just drawing a blank.

Nonfat vanilla latte, one shot of espresso,

and exactly eight pumps of vanilla.

'Kay. That's a lot of pumps. That's a lot of pumps.

She's a firecracker, huh?

How's that soccer league going, pal?

We got a couple more games still left.

Yeah, man. Let me know if you get to the finals.

I'll be there. Okay, man.

Here is your truly insane order.

-Thank you very much. -Mm-hmm.

-Extra tip. -Oh. Thanks.

Hey, and good luck in that publisher meeting, you know?

Two weeks comes around fast.

Thank you.

- Piper Brennan? -Yeah.