Benidorm

Here he is!

- Have you forgotten? - Forgotten what?

- The mountain. - Course I ain't forgotten.

You and me up Brokeback Mountain.

You haven't seen Brokeback Mountain, have you?

- No. How did you know that? - Just a guess.

- You're not going to climb Benidorm's tallest mountain like that? - No.

I'm gonna climb it like this.

Seriously, though, you're gonna go up a mountain in just flip-flops?

Course I'm not gonna go up the mountain in just flip-flops!

OK. Good.

Right. Let's do this!

Mate, we're gonna be out in the sun all day long.

We need food, sun cream. You need a T-shirt.

Mate, we ain't going up there for a picnic.

It's us against Mother Nature.

We is gonna be like Barbeque Grills.

Do you mean Bear Grylls?

- I don't know. - I'm serious.

We need proper clothing, a bit of food and plenty of water.

Go and get dressed. I'll nick some grub from the breakfast bar

and you get the aguas in.

Is that a problem?

Nah, mate, no problem.

You get the food.

I'll get the aguas in.

All right, sweet. See you in reception in ten minutes.

Cool. Tige, remember...

If you need me, call me,

no matter where you are,

no matter how far.

What?

Just call my name.

I'll be there in a hurry.

On that you can depend.

And never worry.

All I'm saying is

don't mention anything about last night, son.

Don't mention anything?

I thought we could say

we've decided to go home early because I left the gas on.

Mother, if you'd left the gas on for three days,

we'd have no home to go back to.

I just don't want to embarrass her.

Embarrass HER?

I was the one who had to peel her off that bloke at reception

at four o'clock this morning singing Sexual Healing.

- What were you singing that for? - Not me, HER!

Here she comes.

Good morning.

Didn't expect to see you till this afternoon.

Why ever not?

We may be on holiday, but that's no excuse for lethargy.

It's no excuse for straddling the night porter

while singing Marvin Gaye either.

That's not fair, Pauline,

not if he was gay.

I admit, it wasn't my finest hour. But let's not get carried away.

A little holiday spirit is expected when one is on vacation.

Yeah? You've drank more holiday spirit

than the rest of the hotel put together.

A momentary lapse.

I can assure you I no longer have a drink problem.

No, love,

it's everyone around you ends up with the problem.

I think we just have to admit you're not in the right place to enjoy Benidorm at the moment.

Well, where is the right place?

No, I'm saying Pauline's not in the right space in her head.

Well, that makes even less sense.

Pauline, Geoff and I have decided to cut the holiday short.

If you're not enjoying yourselves, there's no point you staying.

- For ALL of us. - What?

We're taking you home, Pauline.

For your own sake.

Absolute rubbish.

I'm just getting into my stride.

Ah, yes, if you please?

One very small large vodka and orange and a...

Excuse me, where are you going?

You, sir, have the manners of a armyard fanimal.

A farmyard animal!

Nobody will serve you, love.

We're all going home.

We can't go home.

We're booked till the end of the week.

- We've already changed the flights. - What?

To when?

When are we leaving?

Go and pack your stuff, love.

Excuse me.

You weren't thinking of taking THAT food out of the hotel, were you?

No, I was just using this bag to carry everything back to my table.

Yes.

I'm afraid you're going to have to put everything back at once, thank you.

Ah, but the thing is

I'm climbing a mountain with my friend Joey today.

I don't care if you're digging a hole to China with David Yip.

All food is to be consumed on the premises.

Who's David Yip?

Welcome to The Solana. How can I help?

- Hola. I need your help. - That's why I'm here, pal.

I am in great need

of a man.

Oh, I see.

Well, it's a bit early,

but you could always try the Pink Trombone in the Old Town.

Mind you, it doesn't get busy till they open the finger buffet at one o'clock.

Listen to me. I look for a man here!

I am sorry. I travel far. I am tired.

Look, I'm not sure I can help you, pal.

This man, he work here.

Oh, I see. Well, why didn't you say so?

Well, if you describe him, I might know him.

OK, he has

the black hair,

tan for the skin and he is -

how you say? -

a simple man.

Can you be a bit more specific?

He is Spanish.

Oh, well, that doesn't really narrow it down very much, pal.

He has the name Mateo.

Can I ask what this is about?

I cannot say. It is a private matter between me and Mateo.

Right. As entertaining as this has been, I've got work to do.

Why don't you go and wait at the pool bar through there?

And I'll go and see if I can find Mateo.

If you see him,

you tell him it is a matter of life and death.

Do you understand?

I think I do.

Bloody hell.

- There you go, one beer. - Thanks, love.

Has anyone told you how pretty you are?

No, you're the first one ever.

You on the beers already? It's only ten o'clock.

Is it? Thought it were later.

- It's five to ten. - Oh, aye.

Excuse me, love, just top that up with lemonade, will you?

All the way to the top?

No, just a dash. Don't drown it.

Dad,

me and Sheron have been talking.

- Oh, aye? - Yeah.

And I know she's been a bit resistant to the idea,

but she's reconsidered and she's happy for you to move in with us.

- Oh, she's seen the error of her ways, then? - Yeah.

No, no! Don't say that in front of her.

It takes a big woman to admit she were wrong.

I don't mean fat. I mean...

Dad, for God's sake, don't mess this up.

It were her that messed it up, telling me I couldn't live with you.

- There you go. - Thanks, love.

There is one condition on you moving in.

I knew the Ice Queen would thaw eventually.

No woman can resist the Dawson charm for very long.

Apart from lesbians.

I'm not a magician.

Dad, will you listen to me, please?

You don't know what this means to me, son.

I can't bear the thought of living alone any more.

I need a house full of life,

full of love.

I need my family back.

Now, what were you saying about a condition?

- Oh, it were nothing. - It must have been something.

No, no, it were just... erm...

- No ladies after ten o'clock. - Not a problem.

I'm more of an afternoon delight kind of man anyway.

Please, Tige.

No more. Please, I can't take it.

Mate, I can literally still see the bus.

Please, we need to rest.

I'm not an athlete.

I can't feel my legs! Seriously. I'm not even joking.

I can't feel anything in my legs.

Ow!

All right, I can feel a bit.

Come on, what happened to us against Mother Nature?

No offence, but Mother Nature's a bitch.

Come on!

Would Barbeque Grills sit here moaning

or would he climb the mountain?

Oh, my God! There's a barbeque at the top?

Now you're talking!

Hey. Thanks for agreeing to wear the uniform, Kenneth.

No worries.

And thank you for letting me make a few adjustments.

What did I say? It's all about compromise.

Hi, Jacqueline. You all right?

No. Well, yes.

I've got a date tonight

with a man.

And I need your advice.

Jacqueline, I don't mean to sound rude,

but your experience with men is even greater than mine.

- Who's the lucky fella? - Troy, for goodness sake, like we don't know.

They were wrestling each other to the ground around that pool.

No, we were not!

He just rubbed a bit of suntan cream on my back.