grown-ish

Lance Armstrong, Martha Stewart, Tiger Woods,

and yours truly, Zoey Johnson.

What did all of us perfectly coiffed human beings

have in common besides our unprecedented good looks

and killer smiles?

We were all cheaters.

And as with most cheaters,

there comes a time when we all must face

the consequences of our actions...

And me?

Well, my consequences

had yet to be revealed,

but in less than 24 hours,

I would learn what big red stamp

would be slapped across my image

after cheating on my Chemistry final.

I'm so sorry.

Would you mind grabbing it for me?

But you know what? It was gonna be okay.

I mean, it's not like I'm facing...

Expulsion? Holy sh...

No.

And to make matters worse, it was Parents' Weekend.

And my dad, who was totally clueless,

wouldn't stop calling to plan our itinerary.

No.

I said no-o-o-o-o-o-o-o!

I mean, I don't know what to say.

I'm screwed. Like, I may as well pack my bags,

look for a single in Pacoima,

and a full-time job at, like, Pinkberry-type screwed.

Honey, you're not that screwed.

She's also not getting hired at Pinkberry.

Do you know how hard it is to get a job there?

Our whole family tried to work there for three straight years.

Bitch thinks she can just walk in

- and be a fro-yo ambassador. - No.

- What? - Anyways, I meet with the board

in less than 24 hours.

I mean, I could be gone.

- Great. - Oh.

It's your dad... Throwing up the "W."

No.

If there's anyone who deserves to be shushed, it's that man.

Cold. She just shushed her own father.

He won't stop harassing me about Parents' Weekend.

So shouldn't you just answer and tell him not to come?

Yes, Sky, I should.

Tone.

Sorry.

Um, that's a good idea.

I should, but I can't, because he's gonna hear my voice

and immediately know that something's wrong,

and then I will be extra screwed.

I just have to pull myself together first.

So, on that, I need a drink.

- We all need drinks. - Yeah.

You know, Zo, you actually might want to tell him

not to come this weekend just for his own personal safety

because it's about to go down.

What are you talking about?

All right, you guys know how I've been going

to Professor Hewson for some guidance and mentoring?

- Yeah. - Mm-hmm.

Okay, so, thanks to her,

I think I'm finally ready to tell my parents

that I'm bi this weekend.

- Oh, my goodness. - That... That's huge.

And they probably won't take it that hard

- 'cause you're only kinda gay. - Mm-hmm.

Okay, not how that works.

- We're drinking? - Yeah. Mm-hmm.

Thank you.

To Nomi's big moment... and to my last day at Cal U.

- What? - Oh, don't say that.

Honestly, you are all the best friends

I could've ever asked for.

Like you.

I never thought that a woman

with such a cynical attitude would be the Clyde to my Bonnie.

Jazz and Sky, y'all are my sisters,

and just like my real sister,

you are cute and independent and, um... really scary.

- Aww. - Aww.

And you.

We have come so far.

You know, you're my literal "ride or die."

I'd trust you with my life.

Bring it in. Come on.

Bring it in.

That's so sweet.

All right, enough with, like, the "Army Wives" monologue. Let's...

- Yeah. - Yeah.

Mm.

And, look, you're not getting kicked out anyway.

All you have to do is go in there

and answer every single question the same...

"I do not recall."

It worked for, um, Bill Clinton, Jeff Sessions...

- Justin Bieber. - Lil Wayne.

Those hot-ass Menendez brothers.

- Hmm? - Hmm?

- What? - Oh.

You know what? All right.

I think I am ready to call my dad.

- You got it. - Yeah, it'll be fine.

- Yeah, just breathe. - Hey, Dad.

- She's screwed. - Mm-hmm.

No. No, no, no, no.

Nothing is wrong, Dad. I promise.

It's just that, I mean, Parents' Weekend feels a bit triggering.

See? The way that you're crying right now,

that's the way I'm crying...

on the inside.

So how about we just skip the weekend of heartache

and remember each other how we are?

You know what? You'll get there. Love you, Dad. Bye.

First I cheated on my Chem final,

and now I'm lying to my emo-ass dad.

Who am I?

Who are you?

Great. Everybody's out here enjoying Parents' Weekend,

and we're sitting here abandoned like a car

on Cousin Speedy's front lawn.

Y-Your pops isn't coming? Dude comes to everything.

Not since Jazz's deep dive into Thot-land on the 'gram

and I've been disowned by association.

Relax. Daddy and I will resolve our issues eventually.

Eh, spoken like a true future stripper.

Guys, if it's any consolation,

Parents' Weekend is totally overrated, okay?

My parents never come.

You think that's because maybe they don't love you?

What? No. Correction. My parents adore me.

It's just, freshman year, they had this little Ensenada cruise

they booked the day I left home.

Then sophomore year, the family dog got sick.

You know Steve. Gotta take care of Steve.

You know Steve. You've seen pictures.

Um, and then this year, they, uh...

you know... pbht...

I got to make a quick call.

Okay. Do you.

Your parents abandon you, too?

Nah. I didn't even tell them about it.

Parents' Weekend is big business for me.

Lots of stressed-out students

and a lot of dads with erectile dysfunction.

Oh, my God!

What did Tyrese do now?

No! Somebody hacked my IG account!

Before we begin, I feel it's only right

that I recuse myself from this matter.

The defendant and I are actually blood relatives

who share the same exact genetic makeup.

And as such, I find it impossible for me

to remain impartial in this matter.

Really?

The one time this moron could actually help me,

and he's bouncing.

Apologies for my attire.

Me and some buddies took an impromptu trip

down to Lake Havasu last night,

where my boy Deante took a lighter to my work pants.

Now... if you'll recuse me.

You did this, Laura.

You voted him dean.

You know, actually, on second thought,

he should just leave and never, ever come back.

Ms. Johnson,

you're being accused of cheating on your final exam.

As I sat there watching the board,

all I could see were the faces...

the faces of those who I knew I'd disappoint

if I couldn't fix this.

What the she doing?

And the faces of the people I would miss if I got expelled.

And then, suddenly, I remembered Nomi's advice.

Remember, "I do not recall."

"I do not recall."

"I do not recall."

Is there anything you would like to say on your behalf?

Ms. Johnson?

Ms. Johnson?

Uh... mm-hmm?

Is there anything you'd like to say on your behalf?

I do not re...

There isn't.

I-I cheated.

So that afternoon, I discovered what my consequence was

after all, and it wasn't facing that ethics board.

It was facing myself.

And the truth was, I didn't like the person I was becoming.

- Ms. Johnson? - Yeah?

- We're ready for you. - Okay.

Wow. This really is nice.

Sure. It's no Yale, but at least it's just as expensive.

Mm-hmm.

Ooh, there are so many attractive young men here...

- Mom. - Calm down, Sue.