Bad Teacher

Triple espresso for Jorgenson.

Oh!

God...

Red-eye frappaccino for Darius.

Americano for Sean.

Oh, I... I think that's mine.

Oh, relax, coffee police.

- See? "Sean." - Oh. Whoops. I'm so sorry.

It's okay. Mistakes happen.

Yeah, they do.

Sometimes in the backseat of cars.

Americano for Martin.

It's an alias.

- Mm. - Yeah, I don't like

just any guy knowing my name.

It's Meredith.

It's really nice to meet you.

That's your car?

Now I really wish I had a backseat.

Oh! Me, too.

If you happen to find one,

give me a call.

I will.

See you soon, Martin.

Miss you already.

Wait!

Wait!

My phone number!

Ah, there's my coffee.

Karma's a bitch.

Oh, come on! I was late.

Okay, class, today, we're gonna study hieroglyphics.

But we were just learning about the Civil War.

And before that, the first Thanksgiving.

What kind of order are we going in?

Bronwen, everyone knows that history repeats itself,

so it really doesn't matter what order you go in, duh.

Okay.

Who can tell me what this modern-day hieroglyphic is?

And why would it be on somebody's parking pass?

That's Little Zeus, the mascot for Zolt.

Right. And "Zolt" is?

It's my favorite Web site ever!

Their CFO, Sherri Sandoval, is my idol.

Zolt's a media-sharing, social-networking hot spot

for aspirational tweens with buying power.

Sounds profitable.

Well, they will be next week

when their company goes public.

Oh, like, open to the public?

No, like you can buy stock in it.

Their corporate headquarters is

that cement and glass office complex

- near the outlet castle. - Class?

We're going on a field trip!

Really?

You'd do that for me?

- Yeah. - Wait.

- What's in it for you? - Nothing.

It's just the joy of seeing your face

when you meet your hero Sharon Spiegel...

man... spounds.

I can't believe I'm going to Zolt!

Principal Carl!

There are some glaring issues at this school.

Good morning, Carl, how are you?

I saw the huge crack in your windshield.

Is everything okay?

For instance, look at the current condition of the Nixon mural.

I mean, look at the poor man!

He is filthy!

Those are helpful thoughts.

I will take them into consideration.

Wait, that is your quote, unquote

"signature blow-off line"

that you taught us at teacher training.

I will take that into consideration.

What in hell's bells?!

Where do you think you're going?

We're going on the field trip to Zolt!

The permission slips are signed, the bus is reserved,

and Sad Linda is waiting for us out front.

I'm here.

I had to use the can.

Ms. Davis, may I speak to you for a minute?

Janet, hold all my calls!

She's out today. Her grandmother died.

I got to remember to send her flowers.

Janet, remind...

Nope.

All right, Meredith, all field trips

- have to be cleared by me first. - Carl, I texted you

that I was taking the kids on a field trip.

Well, right now I only have a landline.

And I don't know how to check for texts

on my Sports Illustrated football phone.

Okay, we're going to Zolt.

It's a really important trip.

Why?

Uh, because, you know,

the media.

And...

Sharon Sandman.

Uh, lightning.

Hang on.

Social Studies is all about world cultures evolving.

They're evolving faster than ever, thanks to Zolt!

And their CFO,

Sherri Sandoval, is my "shero." .

She started the company when she was 12

with nothing but a dream and $60 million.

That's all part of this awesome worksheet

I put together, which Lily memorized.

I'm sorry, but first-year teachers aren't allowed

to take their kids on field trips alone.

Not after what happened in 1995.

I won't go into detail.

It was a cool, crisp morning.

The temperature,

60, 61 degrees.

I'd started the day with a banana.

Not as ripe as you would like,

- but ripe enough... - Hang on!

Coach Donnie will cover my classes.

Joel's coming with us to Zolt.

Plus dodgeball is a self-governing sport.

The strong survive, the weak don't.

The bell rings. Everybody happy.

We have Joel, we have Sad Linda.

That's two men.

- We're all set. - Meredith?

Field trips are serious business.

I don't have a repeat of what happened in 1995.

This time I will go into detail.

Someone lost a toe.

- So, I'm gonna have to come with you. - Oh, no.

No, no, hey, uh-uh.

You have so many responsibilities here.

Carl, who could possibly fill in

the broad shoulders of your moderately priced sports jacket?

Well, I will need an acting principal.

I was waiting to talk to you about dirty air filters.

But did I hear you say you need an acting principal?

Yes.

Great! Yes!

I accept. You won't regret it.

I am already.

But I have so many great ideas.

Don't do any of them.

Now come with me. Believe it or not,

there's an oath I have to give you.

Hey!

Thank you so much for inviting me.

I don't know what you're up to, but I have a feeling

it's gonna be big and crazy and especially

now that Carl's coming, it's gonna blow up in your face.

The only thing blowing up in my face will be learning.

Meredith, can you go on the bus,

and assign everybody a buddy?

That way we can keep all eyes and ears

on the whole class. Nobody walks, talks

eats or urinates without their buddy.

Okay!

See you on the bus, buddy.

Welcome everybody! I'm Patrick,

your guide to the Zoltosphere!

- Is Sherri Sandoval here today? - She is.

She just might pop in at the end of our little tour.

Lily, where is your trip buddy?

Buddy check!

Buddy check!

You guys came to Zolt at a really exciting time.

We go public next week!

So everyone's gonna be rich, right?

Like "first class" rich or "private jet" rich?

Just so the kids know all the good things

that can happen if you study hard.

Whoa! Who are you?

It's okay, he's... he's with The New York Times.

They're... they're doing a story on us.

We're not gonna be paying for those afterwards.

Hi, me again.

Where are the bathrooms?

Are they by the, uh, elevators

to the important offices?

Um, no, they're right there behind the security desk.

Now, follow me

to Zolt's IMAX theater for a 3D interactive thrill ride

through the history of the Internet!

- (KIDS CLAMORING) - Okay, I'm just gonna run

- to the ladies' room, okay? - Where's your buddy?

Oh, I'll go with her to the ladies' room.

Joel, don't be gross.

Hurry back, Meredith.

Kids, stay together!

We're a centipede... the human centipede.

That would make a great kids book.

Why did I stop writing?

As acting principal, I've drafted a list of things

that must be taken care of A.S.A.A.P...