In Living Color

Hi. Do you know me? I'm...

Like millions of other women in America, I had sex with a Kennedy.

So in order to be special, I carry this.

The Equity Express card.

That way, whether I'm getting tackled on a beach...

watching a senator show me his briefs...

or having my bra dusted for fingerprints...

I can be sure the Equity Express card will be there for me.

It's accepted all over the world...

and in most West Palm Beach hotels and bars.

Tell 'em the woman with the blue dot on her face sent you.

Thank you...

I may not always remember where I took off my panty hose...

but I always remember to carry this.

The Equity Express card.

Equity Express.

If you leave home without it...

make sure you get grass stains on your clothes as evidence.

Hello. I'm Senator Edward Kennedy.

You know, some people say us Kennedys think we're above the law.

Only problem is, sometimes the law forgets that we are Kennedys.

And that's why I carry this.

The Kennedy Cart Blanch.

So whether I'm bailing relatives out of jail...

or just bailing water out of my car...

whether I'm buying expert testimony...

or putting a high-priced lawyer on retainer...

with the Kennedy Cart Blanch, the sky's the limit.

Most importantly, this card identifies you as a bona fide Kennedy.

And that makes you above the law.

So whether we're trying to pass the bar...

Or just passing by a bar...

When we get off...

We get off scot-free, thanks to this.

The Kennedy Cart Blanch.

Don't leave the house, or the Senate, without it.

Willie, keep it in your pants.

- How you livin'? - What?

- How you livin'? - What?

America's wealthiest people have made their fortunes in real estate.

Now one man can give you the safe, simple, sure way to financial freedom.

Do you recognize this man?

If you don't, you're not watching enough television.

- He's Tommy Wu. - Hey, idiot, rotting in your own filth!

What do you think of this excellent lifestyle I am living?

It all belong to me because I am just so damn rich!

When I come to this country, I was boat person.

Now I person who own boat!

You like diamond? You like pearl? You like hot tub?

Then come to my seminar, you piece of animal dropping!

And learn to be so damn rich like me.

And after all that, you're just so damn rich.

Mr. Wu, excuse me. I'm sorry. L-I just don't completely understand.

Here all you need to understand.

You just an insignificant hair on toilet of life!

But I know how you feel. I was a brain-dead loser like you.

Then one day I got a letter. My uncle was dead.

And he left me, Tommy Wu, $10 million.

Why can't you do that?

What's stopping you from being rich?

I took the Tommy Wu Seminar, and two days later...

I lost my entire family in a horrible car accident.

But I made $7 million. Thank you, Tommy Wu.

Thank you, genius.

Don't move! Shut up and lay there!

You are nothing but a love pillow for Tommy Wu.

And you, you're so fat and lazy, you stink like roadkill.

If I saw you crossing a road, I would swerve to kill you.

Take a shower, change your clothes and come to my seminar.

Learn the secret ofTommy Wu.

Don't be stupid.

Take the Tommy Wu Seminar this Saturday...

at the parking lot behind Bob's House of Value.

- You'll learn how to be ... - Just so damn rich!

- You know, it's gonna take five clowns to do this act. - Yep.

Yeah, where's that replacement clown you were supposed to find?

There he is!

Hey, you're late! We go on in one minute.

His name is Homey D. Clown. I'm his parole officer.

He'll be filling in here as part of the work release program. Just keep an eye on him, huh?

I gotcha.

- Peckerwood. - Put her there, pal.

- - Ah, gotcha!

Beep, beep. Just checkin'.

You check again, I'm gonna bust your goofy ass.

Let me give you a little clown advice, Homey.

Now, if it bends, that's funny.

But if it breaks, that ain't funny.

What if I snap your neck? Is that funny?

Yeah, well, I'll have to check my clown book on that one.

Let's give a rousing welcome for Chuckles and his friends.!

Quit pushin', man!

Let me get this straight.

Does this job require me to debase and degrade myself...

for the amusement of these little childrens?

Yep, you got it, kid.

You're doin' fine. Now you're gettin' some laughs.

Just remember: One, Chuckles is the star of the show;

two, Chuckles takes the hits, and Chuckles gets the laughs;

and three...

And three, if Homey don't like it...

Homey won't play it.

Yeah, well, uh, we'll get back to that later.

Hey, kids, who wants to see Flippo the Clown...

do a triple back somersault into this little glass of water?

- - Can't hear you, kids.

- We do! -

You all ready to see Flippo have a ball?

Yeah!

- -

You know, kids, Homey's kind of bein' a bad clown.

Now, you know what we do to bad clowns?

- What? -

- Now that was funny. -

Now watch the bad clown retaliate with a little magic trick.

I'm gonna make the funny clown here disappear.

Abracadabra, abracadan.

Get your ass outta here as fast as you can.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey! Now what did I tell you, huh?

I said if it breaks, that ain't funny.

Now, Chuckles is the star of the show. We'll get back to you later.

- Okay, kids! -

- Who wants to see Chuckles fly? - We do!

I can't hear you, kids. Who wants to see Chuckles fly?

We do.!

Now, just light the fuse, and don't do anything else, you bonehead. You got it?

Sure. You want me to take orders from you...

and let you tell me what a clown is really supposed to do...

and completely repress my own creative impulse to satisfy your clown ego.

What do you mean, bonehead?

- Get inside the damn cannon. -

It's time for Homey to have some good ol'jailhouse fun.

Hey, hey, hey!

So, what have we learned, if nothing else, little children?

What, Homey?

That just because I look like a clown...

don't mean you can treat me like one.

- -

Okay, while we're sweeping up what's left of Chuckles...

why don't we sing the Chuckles the Clown song?

Yeah!

Y'all better sing this damn song.

- A'ight, that's close enough. - Yeah!

For years now, black entrepreneurs...

have greatly contributed to the success of big business in this country...