Raising Hope

Hey, guys, we're here.

Hey.

What is the matter with you?

Homemade teeth whitening.

Put a drop of bleach and some baking soda

in our Halloween teeth.

And wham bam,

our chiclets are whiter than

the cast of "Downtown" Abbey.

If we're gonna be on TV, we got to look good.

This telethon is gonna be seen by literally dozens of people.

Oh, right. The telethon is this year.

A telethon for what?

I don't know what's it's for.

Schools or disease or...

people who drowned in that salami.

The important thing is they get their money

and we finally get to sing our song on TV!

For years, Burt and I tried

to perform our special song

on Natesville's Quad-Annual Telethon.

This is it, Virginia, we're up next.

Are you ready?

No, I think it's a higher register, like...

No. I'm having our baby. No...

But no matter how many times we tried,

something always seemed to go wrong.

Also, we just want to thank Ploppies Fish Dogs

for feeding all of our hardworking volunteers

with their wonderful fish-based sausage products.

And now, it's time for a little song...

from Virginia and Burt Chance.

Good evening, Natesville.

What a treat it is to be here for this wonderful cause.

Now we'd like to sing a song for you.

Who likes rock and roll?

A-one, a-two...

Fish bone. Fish... fish bone.

Okay, I know we tried this before,

but back again this year, Virginia and Burt Chance...

Great cause. Right to the song.

And a-one, and a-two...

Breaking news.

This just in...

This is the first telethon since we became friends with Barney.

So we are guaranteed to get on the air.

Why's it such a big deal to sing your song on a local telethon?

We know we're amazing singers.

But now, through the magic of television...

the whole world will know.

This will finally legitimize us as people.

I think you guys might be putting too much weight on TV.

It's just a bunch of people saying clever quips

followed by a catchy theme song.

Uh-oh.

Bad news.

Either Gil has learned to do the sidestroke, or he's dead.

Oh, no.

Poor Hope-- she's gonna be so upset.

We need your help.

We're in the middle of a crisis, Mom.

Hope's goldfish died.

That's not a crisis.

A crisis is when they move your favorite show to Friday night.

Now I don't know whether Booth and Bones

are still boning on Bones.

Or when your granddaughter swallows a marble

and you go to the hospital, and then you realize

you forgot to VCR your favorite show. Bones.

Wait, did that actually happen to Hope?

Don't change the subject.

So about this dead fish,

here's what you do: don't tell Hope

and just replace it with one that looks exactly the same.

That's what they do on TV; it works every time.

Yeah, when they do that though, it always leads to

complications no one expected.

Yeah, but those complications

always lead to a funny and heartwarming ending.

Every time.

Or we could take this opportunity

to teach our daughter about death.

You guys, not everybody has to live their lives

like they're characters on a television show.

What you just said, that's so Raven.

Wait, so what's happening now?

I invited my new boss over for dinner tonight,

so I need to pretend that Burt and I live here...

and you guys are the maid and butler.

Yeah, we're not doing that.

We already have a full house. I don't want to spend

the whole night trying to figure out who's the boss.

Especially when we have family matters to discuss.

Fine, but we need to borrow your dining room table.

'Cause not all of us were born

with silver spoons in our mouths.

Good times.

This dinner is my opportunity

to show Louise I have what it takes

to be Regional Assistant Manager.

Don't be nervous, just be yourself.

What are you, crazy?

I can't be myself and neither can you.

We got to be whatever they want us to be.

Whatever they say or do, just go with it.

Oh! Oh!

Oh! Oh! Virginia!

Louise!

Oh!

Oh, and who's this

smoking hunk of beef?

Uh, my husband, Burt.

And who's this

slow... roasted... pork shoulder?

You're doing great.

That's my husband, Talon.

And I know it looks like there's a big age difference,

but that's just because I can still pull young tail.

I hope everybody likes Howdy's special blend

of instant dark roast.

I do, but none for Talon.

Too bitter.

Oh, hey, you got any of that hot chocolate with the, uh,

little marshmallows in it?

Uh... I've got chocolate syrup and water,

and I can pick the marshmallow charms out of the cereal.

Works for Talon.

You remember what we talked about?

No third person?

Now, go help Burt.

Ladies need to talk business.

So, what's your allowance?

Would you like some cream?

No, I take it black.

No, I know. Me, too.

Of course. Yeah.

Mmm.

You know, Virginia... Yeah.

...I started out as a maid, just like you.

You remind me a lot of myself.

Yeah, there's not a lot of white blonde maids.

Virginia, that's a little racist.

Uh-huh.

I love it.

And I like you!

We should get to know each other better.

You like squash?

Squash.

I... Well, I love squash.

Mm-hmm.

Squash is a game?

I guess so.

That makes no sense.

I know.

If any vegetable deserves its own game,

it's the potato.

It's the basis of everything delicious.

It's given us the baked,

the mashed, the fried, the totted.

What is squash?

Au gratin.

Looks like a rich man's handball,

and they play with these skinny little tennis racquets.

Oh, no. Ugh.

If I'm horrible,

I'll make a fool of myself

and ruin all the progress I just made with my new boss.

My career will be over before it's even started.

This is a complication that was entirely unexpected.

Lord.

After hitting the front wall first,

the ball may hit any other number of walls

before landing in the opponent's quarter court.

I'm telling you, this game would be a lot more fun

if it was just people throwing squashes at each other.

How about fat people sitting on each other?

That's two games right there that deserve to be called squash

more than this one.

Yeah, I think I'm just gonna...

Ow! Ow, my ankle!

Are you okay?

Great, you bought it.

Now I can fake an injury.

No, I didn't buy it.

I just thought we were role playing, uh,

injured lady and paramedic

who likes to hook up with injured lady.

No, but keep that one filed away.

I found my old squash racquet.

Yeah. Oh.

I have got a lot of really great squash stories.

So, how's it going with the fish?

Being honest was a bust.

Knew it. Told you since you were a kid,

truth is overrated.

Yeah, about that fish-- tell us exactly what happened.

We had a funeral.

Please watch over Gilly

as he swims in that great bowl in the sky,

and...