M*A*S*H

The contention is that the accused,

with intent to usurp lawful military authority,

did, at the 4077 Mobile Army Surgical Hospital,

on or about October 11, 1952,

willfully attack his commanding officer,

Major Frank Burns,

and did illegally take command.

This preliminary hearing is to determine

whether the facts in this case indicate

that a court‐martial should be conducted

and whether the accused,

Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce,

should stand trial under Article 94

on the charge of mutiny.

Is that clear, Captain?

Crystal, Colonel.

Ali "Babber" to the end, aren't you?

How'd you like a grenade in your truss?

Order.

As these charges have been brought by Major Burns,

the court requests that he open the proceedings

by answering a few questions.

‐Take the stand, Major. ‐Yes, sir.

You swear that the evidence you shall give

shall be the truth, the whole truth,

and nothing but the truth, so help you God?

Absotively.

A simple "I do" will be sufficient.

I do, sir.

I'm certain you comprehend

the seriousness of your charge, Major.

The penalty for mutiny, after all, is death

or such other punishment as the court may direct.

I comprehend okay. Death or worse.

Besides my life,

‐Frank wants my virginity. ‐We all do.

‐If only I'd known. ‐(gavel raps)

Now, Major,

you have served with the accused for some time.

All too long, Colonel. (sighs)

Had he ever indicated to you

that he might consider mutiny?

The man's a born troublemaker, sir.

He has no respect for his superiors

and seems almost deliberately kind to those beneath him.

He's immoral, unmilitary, and unpatriotic.

Under my framed picture of Senator McCarthy,

he wrote in big letters,

"Know your enema."

Is that all?

Well, isn't that enough?

I mean, are you finished?

Oh yes, except to say that people like Pierce

are a menace to the American way of life...

as I see it.

Unless we each conform, unless we obey orders,

unless we follow our leaders blindly,

there is no possible way we can remain free.

You may take your seat, Major.

Your fly is open.

Captain Pierce?

Do you swear the evidence you shall give

shall be the truth, the whole truth,

and nothing but the truth,

‐so help you God? ‐I do.

You have any opening remarks?

Yes.

Unaccustomed as I am to public lynching,

let me say that even the army must surely have better things to do

than to listen to the ravings of a man

with enough mold on his brain

to produce a quart of penicillin.

Sticks and stones, your Honor.

Major Burns has had it in for me

ever since I suggested he created

more widows and pallbearers than salmonella.

Would you say that your lack of respect

for the major's medical skills

might have been the cause for the alleged mutiny.

There was no mutiny.

It's his medical skills that are alleged.

I'd say that Major Burns snapped

under the burden of command

and that he never should have been put

in the position of command.

And if the politicians of the world

hadn't failed to keep the peace,

he'd be back in Indiana right now

with his cozy little malpractice

and meeting his receptionist two afternoons a week

at the Golden Goose Motel.

That's a lie!

Don't leave your unopened mail around.

That's hitting below the belt.

‐Beats hanging. ‐(gavel raps)

That'll do.

Perhaps at this time we'd better hear from Colonel Sherman Potter.

Colonel Potter?

You swear the evidence you shall give

shall be the truth, the whole truth,

and nothing but the truth,

‐so help you God? ‐I do.

If you would start at the beginning, please, sir?

Very well. On 5 October, I was preparing to depart

for six days of R&R in Tokyo.

Oh, I can do all that for you, sir,

‐after you've gone. ‐It's no trouble.

Well, don't you want to get started,

‐before it gets dark? ‐For Pete's sake,

it's only 8:00 in the morning.

I forgot.

Major, I know you're not giggling

'cause you're wearing feathered underwear.

You just can't wait to park your can behind this desk.

I am second in command, sir.

Let's not do too much second‐in‐commanding

while I'm gone, right?

I prefer to lead by example,

‐to command through respect. ‐Mm‐hmm.

But if all else fails,

a leader can't hesitate to kick a few keisters.

Oh?

Ah, I think it was Napoleon who said,

"Without discipline, an army is no more

"than a bunch of guys

"all wearing the same color clothes."

Napoleon?

Might've been Mussolini.

‐Jeep's ready, sir. ‐Thank you, Radar.

Take care of these papers for me, would ya?

Yes, sir. I radioed Tokyo and told 'em

‐you're on your way. ‐Radio Tokyo I'm on my way.

‐I'll look after Burns, ‐And look after Burns.

All I'm saying is don't go loco with the discipline.

I'll only be gone six days, so easy does it.

Of course, sir. Have a nice time,

and, uh, don't do anything I wouldn't do.

I don't know that I'd want to do

anything you would do.

Only six days, Colonel?

God created the universe in six days.

Here's the morning mail, Major Pussycat.

Of course, God wasn't surrounded

by a bunch of flakes.

Colonel Potter's chair wasn't even cold

before Frank decided to re‐create the 4077

in his own weird image.

I object to the word "weird."

How about warped? Bizarre? Balmy?

‐Perverted? Loony? Loopy? ‐Dippy.

I'm gonna sue all of you.

No doubt for definition of character.

Captain Pierce.

Please give the court some examples

of the major's alleged... peculiarities.

Well, on the very first day,

Frank observed that the M in MASH stood for "mobile,"

so he had us break down the entire unit

and move it across the road.

Frank has definitely flipped out.

Flipped like a fox.

He's obviously picked up

a couple hundred trusses cheap.

Now he's creating a demand for them.

Come on! Chop‐chop! Get the lead out.

This is a war, you know.

You see? I told you it was a war.

But no, you keep saying we're both dreaming.

How could we be in each other's dreams?

How could I be in Korea? More important,

why is this chicken outfit crossing the road?

So we moved.

And then the next day, we moved right back again.

‐M stands for "mobile." ‐Also for meshuggah.

The major then insisted on cold showers,

calisthenics, parades, retreats, and snap inspections.

Now, let's face it, Colonel.

All that discipline is a bit much to expect

from a bunch of dumb doctors.

True.

Worst of all, I guess, Major Burns ordered a ban

on the camp's chief source of culture:

gambling.

But then, boys will be boys.

What do you do, Radar?

‐I'm thinking. ‐Another first.

Come on! You giving this hand up for Lent?

Give it a rest, Zale.

He needs time.

What do you care? You're ahead 50 bucks.

The Lord moves in mysterious ways.

Okay, I'll see ya.

Read 'em and weep. Three little ladies. (laughs)

Is that all you got? Three queens?

I got a straight.

How'd ya like to buy a half interest in a minefield?

Chickee! Chickee!

‐What's going on? ‐Uh, spelling bee, Frank.

‐Go ahead, B. J. "Cretin." ‐Cretin.

C‐R‐E‐T‐l‐N. Cretin.