Two and a Half Men

* Men.

: Yeah, hi.

I'm watching your commercial for the Shake Weight?

Yeah, I gotta tell ya,

my brother does basically the same thing

in the shower every day

and he has absolutely no muscle tone in his arms.

All right, I'm out of here. Hold on a sec.

What does this look like to you, Berta?

Your brother in the shower?

You hear that? It's not just me.

Thanks, Berta. I'll see you tomorrow.

No, you won't.

I told you, I'm going to a family reunion for a few days.

But what about me?

All right,

let's go through this one more time.

I arranged to have a friend fill in for me.

Her name is Esmerelda.

I have given her

detailed instructions

about how you like things done around here.

Did you tell her to roll me over on my stomach

so I don't choke on my own vomit?

That's number one on the list.

Is she hot?

She was in the '70s.

I guess it's better that way.

Yeah, it's tough enough that you and I have sexual tension.

Oh, by the way, you promised me vacation pay.

Okay.

How much did we agree on?

That looks about right.

Bye.

See you tomorrow.

Uncle Charlie in there?

Yep.

Drunk?

Hammered.

You clean him out?

Would I do that to my little buddy?

Thank you, Berta.

All right, have a good weekend, Uncle Charlie.

Enjoy your family reunion.

What?

What?

You know, you still owe me

for that pizza from the other night.

Oh, yeah, sorry.

How much was it?

That'll do it.

Jake, let's go. Your mom's outside.

See ya, Uncle Charlie.

See ya, buddy.

Thanks for the pizza.

When did you guys have pizza?

I have no idea.

Hey, Charlie, you remember Lyndsey?

Nope.

Hey, look.

I'm exercising.

Oh, maybe you ought to sit down for a minute.

Good idea.

I'm getting a little dizzy.

I hope I don't have a heart problem.

No, you have a drinking problem.

That's a relief.

So who's this Lyndsey?

You remember-- Lyndsey, early 40s, blonde, pretty.

No recollection.

I burned her house down.

She left me, went back to her ex-husband?

Keep going.

Nice, full, very natural looking C-cup?

Oh, right, Lyndsey.

Here we go.

What are you doing?

Child-proofing you.

Thank you.

So you're-you're dating

Lindsay Lohan?

No, no, Lyndsey MacElroy.

Anyway, she called and apparently

things aren't working out with the ex-husband,

and even though she didn't exactly say she

wanted to get back together, I am going to meet her for dinner.

Well, that's great. Mm-hmm.

Good for you.

How do I look?

Like Lance Armstrong after a three-day drunk.

Nice.

Mm-hmm.

You are a good brother, Alan.

Have some money.

Thanks.

If I were really a good brother,

I would stage an intervention.

Thanks for the pizza.

Eureka.

I've invented the drinking helmet.

* Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men *

* Ah. * Men. * Men.

* Men.

Hello?

Oh, man, did I go to Tijuana last night?

Me... you...

Not married, are we?

I guess if the answer was yes,

she wouldn't be polishing the piano.

Hey, Alan, quick question.

Yeah?

Who is that in our living room?

That's Esmerelda.

Gonna need more.

Berta's friend?

Keep going.

Berta went to her family reunion.

Esmerelda's filling in for her.

Oh. It would have been nice if she'd given me a heads-up.

Aren't you going to ask me about last night?

Oh, yeah.

What did I do last night?

Somehow I spent almost all my money.

No, I meant what I did last night.

Oh. No.

Lyndsey wants to get back together.

C-cups.

Right. Lyndsey.

She did split up with her ex-husband Chris.

Said she realized she didn't want to go backwards.

In what universe is dating you not going backwards?

I know. This guy must be some kind of mess.

Breakfast, Señor Harper?

Why is she saying breakfast?

Am I supposed to make her breakfast?

She'll make it for you.

Try the huevos rancheros-- they're amazing.

Muy bien. Gracias.

Junior high, high school, college,

two years of chiropractic school in Mexico.

You say that like I'm supposed to know.

You are supposed to know. You're my brother.

What's so funny?

Are you talking about me?

She says she likes your hat.

* Men.

Alan! Come here, quick!

Please God, don't let it be a dead girl.

What is it?

Open my door and tell me what you see.

Why? What do you see?

Just look.

Are the flying monkeys back?

Don't joke about that, Alan.

Wow.

Esmerelda did this?

Can you believe it?

The fresh cut flowers,

the carafe of lemon water.

She even laid out my robe and slippers.

Since when do you have slippers?

I don't know. Is it possible she made them?

She put a chocolate on your pillow? Yup.

See what it says?

"Felicidad."

That means "Merry Christmas," right?

It means "happiness."

You sure? What about that song, uh, "Felicidad Navidas"?

"Feliz Navidad"?

Tomato, tamale.

The point is,

Esmerelda is a terrific housekeeper.

I didn't get a chocolate.

You're not Señor Harper.

I'm a Señor Harper.

Yes, but not the Señor Harper that pays her.

Come on, you got to see this.

She still could have given me a chocolate.

How much could it cost?

Look!

That's not a swan.

That's my towel.

Nice touch.

Had me fooled at first.

I tried to kill it.

And look.

She folded my toilet paper into a little point.

After breakfast, I used some, stood up, shaved,

and when I looked back, I swear it was pointed again.

Is that a votive candle?

Yup.

She's praying that I have pleasant bowel movements.

Oh, please.

No, no, no, it's working.

This morning, soft, firm, easy peasy.

But wait, there's more.

Come on.

Tada!

She bought you a new grill?!

No, no, no, this is the old grill.