Rules of Engagement

So, Russell, what is the latest with you and Liz?

One day you're into it, the next you want a divorce.

It's been a real roller-coaster of who-gives-a-crap.

Listen, I think I can make this marriage work.

I mean, I can't keep chasing teenagers forever.

In five or ten years, it might start to look pathetic.

Yes, only time will tell.

I'm gonna leave Audrey a voicemail.

How do you know she won't pick up?

Oh, I can't tell you that. It's a guy secret.

I already know how to pee in the kitchen sink.

You know what, just tell her.

I mean, she eats like a horse,

and, uh, she always wants to do it.

She's the closest thing to a guy that relationship's got.

All right.

There's this phone app called shy-dial.

Shy-dial!

Which will automatically send your calls

to the other person's voicemail.

Your phone never even rings.

I get credit for calling Audrey

without having to talk to her.

You actually go out of your way

to avoid a conversation with your spouse?

Well, that's not new.

But now technology has finally caught up with me.

Oh, hey, Audrey, went to voicemail again.

I know you wanted to discuss paint colors

for the baby's room, which I was really looking forward to. Um...

Argh! Frustrating!

- Shy-dial. - Shy-dial!

Voicemail?

Never even heard it ring.

Jeff: One. Audrey: Several thousand.

But I am gaining.

Ah, Mr. and Mrs. Dunbar.

- How was the shopping excursion? - Thorough.

We hit every boy's department on fifth Avenue.

We even went to a store called saks

where you should shop because you need one.

A stinging rebuke from a man holding a purse.

Go try on that striped top we picked out, darling.

We'll give Timmy a little fashion show.

Well done, Mrs. Dunbar.

You've transformed a rotting he-goat

into a domesticated one-woman man.

Oh, you know, Tim,

I've come to realize that I'm the one with needs

no one man can fully satisfy.

You've got mail.

It seems as though I've got mail.

Face it, my spicy man of the east.

Something yummy passed between us during that kiss,

and it wasn't just my sucret.

Mrs. Dunbar, I think you'll find that

that was, in fact, a misunderstanding.

Then why can't I stop thinking

about your hot vindaloo in my welcoming tandoor oven?

Well, thank you

for ethnically tailoring that filthy metaphor.

Ah, look who's back.

These pants are kinda itchy.

Well, my pants are getting all itchy

just checking you out, you're so hot.

Well, handsome men,

I'm off to the spa for some deforestation.

'Scuse me. Hi. Uh... I need to return this jacket.

Okay. And, uh, why are we returning it?

Well, I, uh, decided I didn't want it.

Let's just leave it at that.

Well, I have to put down a reason.

Fine. If you must know, I was teased.

You know... made fun of?

Why? It's a classic blue blazer.

Yes. Yes, but people said things like "lame jacket,"

and "here comes Captain Dandy of the S.S. Fancy boy."

And then some joke about seamen which I don't wanna tell you

because I know I'll just wreck it.

Okay. Wow.

- Um, what's your name? - Adam.

- Hey, Adam. Chris. - Hey.

And I gotta say, I don't get it.

If anything, this jacket's too conservative for you.

Do me a favor. Try this one.

You could carry off a much more fashion-forward look.

- Oh, nice! - I don't know.

There's no way I could wear this in front of the guys.

And my fiancée.

Why do you give them so much power?

You look awesome in this.

Damn it, Chris, when you're right, you're right.

I called you from the paint store.

When you called me back, it went to my voicemail again.

Finally I just had to pick a paint color myself.

So irritating.

How do you think I feel? I didn't even get to weigh in.

Are we a team, or not?

All right, I gotta get to work,

but there are plenty more baby furniture decisions

- you can be a part of. - Okay.

I will call to discuss. You leave your phone on, you.

Thanks for coming to support me, Chris.

Wow.

Good luck.

Pfft. Who needs luck when you're dressed

like a superstar?

You rock, buddy.

New jacket?

Yes, thanks to my new friend Chris.

And it's awesome.

Anyway, Chris and I are gonna go sit over there now,

and be nice to each other.

'Cause that's what real friends do.

What the hell just happened?

I kind of spaced out in the middle but...

I think Adam bought a new lady safari jacket...

And he may have named it Chris.

Did you see that?

Your confidence took away their power to make fun of you.

Yes, yes.

Hold on.

Oh, hey, Jeff.

Uh-huh.

Okay.

They took some of the power away.

What'd he say?

He... he wanted to know when I needed to be back

at the bird show at Busch gardens.

You don't have to take that. Come on.

Hey, it's the maitre D at the rainforest cafe.

Seriously?

Like you have a leg to stand on criticizing anyone's appearance.

I mean, call off the search... I found Waldo.

What are you laughing at, optimus primate?

Sears roebuck called and wants its $90 suit back.

Apparently there's a teacher from 1970

who needs to get to work.

That's all right.

They've already been served.

Let's go, Adam.

Where the hell is Jeff?

He promised we'd go look at cribs today.

You guys are moving?

No. Cribs. For the baby.

Oh, 'cause, you know, it also means...

Yes, yes. I get it. You're young.

All right, well, see you later.

Bye.

Voicemail?In?

Oh, darn it, I missed you again.

Uh, anyway, I stopped by a bar to catch the game,

but you mentioned shopping for baby stuff,

which... sounds fun, too.

What to do?

Well, baby's due in five months. Game's on now, so...

I guess that solved itself, huh?

What... what the hell is wrong with this thing?

Hey, Timmy.

Mrs. Bingham, hello. Um...

I was hoping to ask your advice

regarding a matter of utmost delicacy.

Uh, well, I-I was gonna go check out some cribs, but...

You're thinking of moving?

Uh, for the... the baby.

Oh. You see, it also has another...

Yes, yes. It has two meanings.

Okay. What's going on?

Well, um, Liz, of, uh, "Russell and Liz"...

Recently began making advances toward me.

Oh, my God. Uh...

Well, obviously, Timmy, you just have to tell her

to back off.

Well, Mrs. Bingham, I've tried,

but she's clearly in the grips of an obsession.

My lips, I'm afraid, once tasted,

are a highly addictive opiate.

Once you go brown, you keep comin' around.