The Last Man on Earth

Previously on The Last Man on Earth...

You're having sex with Gail and Melissa.

You dirty dog.

How long were you and Phil trying before you got pregnant?

Tandy and I have been trying for, like,

I don't know, six months now?

Six months? That long?

We're not pregnant.

Don't worry, everything's gonna be all right.

Service.

Hey, Tandy?

What are you doing?

Oh, just honing my game.

Tandy, I need you to do something for me today.

Okay, what do you got?

I need you to masturbate.

Way ahead of you. Yeah, check it off the list.

What else you got?

Oh, no, I need you to do it again.

Again, way ahead of you.

- No, th-this is different. - Left-handed?

No, it's just I was reading up on fertility issues.

And I think we should check your sperm motility.

So I went to the store

and I got a male fertility test.

Why?

Well, you know, it's been a while and we're not pregnant yet.

What's the rush? It'll happen when it happens.

Well, I mean, look at Phil, okay... he's dead!

One day you're here, the next you're not.

And I want to get your goods before you croak.

Yeah, you're right... Having a family's important.

Yeah, let's do this.

Okay, great.

I know it's kind of a weird request.

Do you think you could handle the pressure?

Care Bear, I've been practicing for this test my whole life.

I won't let you down.

Okay.

At least this isn't a Monet.

Oh, this is a Monet.

Okay, well, thanks for the lotion, Gail.

Boy, were my forearms dry!

Damn it!

Damn it.

Hey, Todd.

Hey, I-I was just thanking Gail

for some lotion she gave me

for my forearms, yeah.

You probably heard me talking about it

as I was leaving her room.

Real dry, my forearms.

Yeah, got a good coat on them now, though.

Yeah, lotion.

What a godsend.

Uh, do you want to come watch a movie with me?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I-I'll be there in a minute.

I'll just give you a little preview first.

Okay, yeah.

Great, yeah.

Nice trailer there.

Looking forward to the feature-length version of that.

You know, uh, sex.

Bring this weirdness to the bedroom.

Right.

Oh, what are you doing?

Well, I'm just, uh, cramming for the test.

You know how I feel about pornography.

Carol, I'm not gonna go into this situation unarmed.

I mean, it's too important.

Well, you will be armed.

I made you

a very special collection

of highly erotic images of women.

But unlike the misogynistic,

male-centric trash you read,

these women are sexy because they're highly intelligent,

accomplished, and... as far as we know... unmolested.

I call it female en-porn-ment.

Okay.

Well, I'm listening.

Uh, let me take a gander.

Yeah, sure.

Okay.

I'm a sexy CEO who did not sleep my way to the top.

Got there by studying hard and maintaining my focus.

And check out this sexy lady judge.

That long black robe

covers every inch of her body.

Except for the biggest sexual organ she has...

Her brain.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And look at this stunner.

The President of the United States herself.

And behind her is her First Lady Desiree.

They're lesbians.

Yeah, I caught that, yeah.

Well, shall I get to?

This will work.

Oh, well, not here!

I created a special sexual area for you.

A performance zone, if you will.

I call it the Masturbatorium.

Are you feeling turned on?

I'm feeling so many things.

Billie Jean King.

Condi Rice.

And of course, the guy who played Bud in Flipper.

Oh, no, that's Janet Reno.

Oh, okay.

Oh, what's with the, uh, babies?

Oh, well, this is just to keep your eyes on the prize.

That's you

just fertilizing the garden of life with your seed.

Man, this room is a friggin' roller coaster ride.

Isn't it fun?

Yeah.

Yeah. Okay, listen.

I'm gonna give you some privacy.

- Okay. - All right?

Enjoy.

Thank you.

Be strong. Just say it.

Come on, Todd, you got this.

Be the ball, man.

Hey, Gail.

Hey, Todd. How you doing?

I'm good, look.

I think we need to talk about us.

Yeah, right?

Good, yeah, I do.

Um, there's something I've been wanting to tell you.

Oh, great, well, you know, I'd like to start if you don't mind.

- No, I'll go first. - That's fine.

You were such a lifesaver to me

through the whole Phil nightmare.

I don't know how I would've gotten through that without you.

Oh, well, you know, look, okay, well, here-here's the thing.

No, there's something else.

I put Gordon away.

I don't need him anymore.

'Cause you, Todd, you're my new dummy.

Your new... the new du...

Your new dummy?

Okay, so it-it sounds to me like you're pr-pretty,

you know, into this whole, uh, situation then.

- Right? - Why?

Did you need to tell me something, Todd?

No, no-nothing really.

Just a classic, you know, ditto situation.

You're a ditto situation.

Nice job, Todd.

Okay, got to go tell Melissa.

Melissa, we need to talk.

And I need to not talk.

Well, that's your prerogative.

I mean, talking is overrated.

Not always, but in this case, yeah.

Damn it.

It says here, when the control line shows up,

the test is active.

And right on cue.

Okay, so now we just have to wait for the bottom line

to tell us that your sperm count is great.

Oh, she's a-coming.

Any minute now.

I'm sure it's fine.

Oh, please.

Carol, I know it is.

I mean, this dish is full of fish.

Hey, hope I don't get this test pregnant.

Okay, give me that.

Well, that can't be right.

But that would mean...

You know, I bet my sperm count was too high for the test.

Yes, oh, definitely.

Probably broke the barrier.

What do we even know about these things, anyway, huh?

Oh, "Made in China."

They're probably calibrated for Chinese sperm.

Yeah.

Oh, look, this one's expired!

Oh, check the other ones.

What, November 1, 2020. Expired.

August 23, 2021.

I knew it!

Never use an expired fertility test.

That's the old saying.

But if it's faulty,

then why did the control line show up?

Proves even more how screwed up they are.

Look, why would a control line

show up on a test where the fertility line doesn't?

Makes no sense.

Okay, okay.

If it makes you feel better,

I'm gonna throw Todd into the equation.

Run his stuff through the system,

and when we see he gets negative results,

we'll know these things are bogus.