Two and half men

The snap, the kick is up, and it is good! It is good!

- Man. - Okay, well, that's the game.

Dad, can I have my allowance?

Sure. Here.

Thanks. Here.

Pleasure doing business with you.

You're taking my son's allowance on a football bet?

Hey, when he wins, I pay off. You know, minus the vig.

Minus the vig. You're charging him for the privilege of making a bet?

That's what the vig is, Dad.

Face it. He's not gonna learn this stuff in school.

I don't care. Give him his allowance back.

Fine.

You get no allowance. That's your punishment for gambling.

- Told you he'd do that. - Yeah, you did.

Pleasure doing business with you.

Hey, listen. After you drop him off at his mom's house tonight, do me a favor?

- Just make yourself scarce, okay? - What's her name?

Or is it too early to ask?

It's not a girl. I'm just having friends over.

Oh, poker? Oh, can I play?

- I'm better than I used to be. - It's not poker.

Wait. A flush beats a straight...

...and a full boat beats a flush, right? - Right...

A full house and a full boat are the same...

...so I won't say "full houseboat" anymore.

- It's not poker, Alan. - Then what's going on?

I'm just having some friends over to smoke cigars...

...sample some fine single-malt Scotch and, you know, talk.

I enjoy all those things. Well, Scotch makes me a little gassy.

But I'll take a Beano and I'm good to go.

That's nice, but I don't think you'd be comfortable.

- Why not? - Because we talk about personal things.

- You mean like a support group? - No, no, no. It's not a support group.

It's just guys who get together to talk about their lives.

- That's a support group. - No, it's not.

Okay, it's not.

It's not.

Got it. So why can't I come?

Because these men are my friends.

There's a level of trust and confidentiality.

- I'm your friend. - No, you're my brother.

Wait a minute. You don't consider me a friend?

It's not up to me.

A friend is someone you choose. A brother is someone you get.

- Excuse me? - There's no choice involved.

Your dad just wakes you up in the night and says:

"Your mom wasn't really fat and this isn't your room anymore."

So all these years, I've just been an intruder to you?

An inconvenience? A burden?

Well, sure. You can spin it that way.

You know, I had no idea you felt this way.

I am very, very hurt.

Okay.

But you'll still make yourself scarce, right?

- Bye, Uncle Charlie. - See you, buddy.

- Oh, he's your buddy? - Alan, don't start.

How is he your buddy? You didn't choose him.

- I chose to let him stay here. - You chose to let me stay here too.

No. I chose him, I got you.

You know, there are times I just loathe you.

And yet you're surprised I don't consider you a friend.

Okay, have your real friends to your little "support group."

- It is not... - It is a support group!

It's a support group for weak, rudderless men.

And I wouldn't be a part of it if you begged me.

Okay, bye.

Dad, check this out. You can pick your friends...

...you can pick your nose, but you can't pick your friend's nose.

- You know who told me that? - I can guess.

Uncle Charlie. And you know why it's funny? Because it's true.

Yeah, yeah. Have a nice week, Jake.

Bye, Dad. Hi, Mom. Can I have my allowance?

I missed you too, sweetie.

- Thanks for dropping him by. - Judith, hold on.

Do you consider us friends?

I consider you my ex-husband.

I know. But putting aside for the moment...

...our loveless marriage and messy divorce...

...we always had a certain camaraderie, am I right?

Can we talk some other time? I'm having people over for dinner.

Oh, really? Anybody I know?

- Sandra and Howard. - Oh, no kidding. Can I say hello?

- I'd rather you didn't. - Why not?

Sandra and Howard are my friends too. In fact, I introduced them to you.

Well, why don't you call them and invite them to your house.

This is my house. Those were my friends.

The fact is, you're having my friends for dinner in my house.

Yes, Alan, that is exactly what's happening.

Well, when I'm right, I'm right.

I've got something I wanna talk about, but it's gotta stay in this room.

Everything stays in the room.

Yeah, sure, Judas. Does that include veiled references...

...in one of your wise-ass songs?

- I said sorry about that. - Too little, too late.

We have to go through this every time we get together?

- It's water under the bridge. - Thank you.

It wouldn't have killed you to thank him in your Grammy speech.

That I would've done, but, you know, Bacharach, he just went on so long.

Well, get on with it.

All right. How do I say this?

Do any of you get up in the middle of the night to pee?

- Sure. - Occasionally.

Sometimes, I don't even get up.

This is what I can't write songs about?

Oh, drat.

All right, look. It's not about peeing, per se.

It's about getting older.

I'm laying in bed with my wife.

She looks beautiful, sexy.

All I wanna do is finish my Corn Pops and go to sleep.

What are you doing?

Shopping list. You know, just a shopping list.

So you're saying the old flag's at half-mast?

No, the old flag is fine.

And I'd rather not refer to it as an old flag, if you don't mind.

No, my point is, it's about shifting priorities or something.

Flag, drag, hag.

I will knock your glasses through your eyeballs. I will do it.

Let me tell you something, fellas.

It doesn't matter what the calendar says, you're as old as you feel.

Me, I feel...

...like...

...boiled crap.

- Hello. - Oh, man.

I'm sorry, guys. It's my brother.

We agreed you weren't gonna be here.

Don't worry, I just need my phone book.

- Is that...? - Yes.

- And that...? - Yeah.

And that?

He used to be. Not anymore.

Him I don't recognize.

He's our bookie.

You can have your bookie, but not me?

Bookies, like friends, are chosen.

Okay. Okay, fine. I'm sorry to interrupt.

I need my address book so I can call one of my friends.

They don't care. Hurry up and get out.

Hurry up and get out. Sounds like sex with my ex-wife.

I don't know if Charlie told you, but I'm recently divorced...

...and it's been kind of a rough road.

- Here's your phone book. - Thank you.

Of course, I guess in hindsight, I should have seen it coming, but...

- I'm gonna count to three. - Bye.

Sorry about that. He's bent out of shape because I told him...

...he couldn't be part of the group. - Why not?

You just saw him, didn't you? Trust me, he doesn't get any better.

I mean, he actually thinks this is a support group.

This is a support group, Charlie.

You're the only one who's pretending it's about Scotch and cigars.

Whatever kind of group it is, we have rules about new guys joining.

Well, but he's your brother.

He's obviously going through a rough time.

Seems like you should be more supportive, pal.

Hey, I support him plenty.

I share my home with him. I share my food with him.

I moved my foosball table so he could park in my garage.

What more do you people want from me?

Let me tell you something about sharing, kid.

Sharing is a two-way street.

When you share with another human being...

...you always get back more than you gave.

Assuming that you're smart enough to share with somebody...

...that's got more stuff than you had in the beginning.

Hey, Dick, it's Alan. How's it going, buddy?

Oh, good, good.

Listen. You maybe wanna catch a movie tonight?

Oh, really? You and Roz are at Judith's too. Interesting.