Better Things

Whoo! Yeah!

You wanna smoke?

Oh.

No, I'm... I'm okay.

Is this your place?

You don't smoke?

No, I'm good with my beer.

I like to drink.

I like to drink, too, Do you like the space?

Oh, yeah. Are you kidding me?

It's amazing. It's so cool.

God, you're adorable.

I'm...

You an artist?

Oh, no. I'm just an art lover.

Ah! Well, I'm a lover of art lovers.

Does that count at all, or...

Mm-hmm.

Those are my sculptures there in the front.

Really? I love them.

The lady torso things?

They're so beautiful.

It's bullshit, but it sells.

- Hi. - Hey.

Hi.

Hi there.

Oh.

Hey, I want you to meet my friend Roscoe.

Okay, baby.

Nice to meet you.

No... Very nice. Yes.

- Enjoy the beer. - I am.

- Uh-huh. - Come on. - Thank you.

Yeah.

Roscoe's Chicken & Waffles.

All right, well...

Okay, that's fine.

That's fine.

- Hi. - Hi.

What happened?

Did you tell his wife that you're gay?

- I don't think I had to. - Mm-hmm.

Meanwhile, in other news,

I just got cock-blocked by my daughter.

Huh. You wanna get out of here?

- Yeah. - Okay.

Yeah.

Don't like those.

Love your work.

Come on, now.

Look, I'm finally getting some titty.

Remember when Paul McCartney married that...

that teenage one-legged model for five minutes?

And for that, she got to keep all his Beatles money?

Like, just because he wanted to shtupp her,

she got to keep half of his genius money.

And then he married a lady 10 years younger,

and everybody was like,

"Eww! What does he have, like, an old-lady fetish?"

- Asshole, wake up. - What?

You're sleeping. I'm pouring my heart out to you.

You were? What did I miss?

I can't believe how old we are.

I can't believe how good we look.

It's so crazy.

It's like, right now, it just feels like

50th birthday parties,

gay weddings, and funerals.

I mean...

I used to think the scary part about getting older was dying,

and it turns out that the scary part of getting older

is young people.

It's like we're the Indians,

and they're the white settlers,

and they keep coming and they take all our resources,

and all we're left with is diseased blankets.

I'm afraid of dying.

You are?

Have another Ruby Red, Ed.

Yes, Pats.

Honey...

you need to start writing.

When are you gonna write a book?

I know. I got a hundred things I have to do.

I have to hurry up and get gay married so I can get gay divorced

and then gay retire.

I want to get gay married.

You are... to me.

Let me have a cigarette.

- Ooh. - Yeah.

- Being bad. - Mm-hmm.

- Come on, I wanna see. - No, Mom.

- Did you like it? - No.

- Wait, can I have it, since you don't like it? - No!

- Uh! - God!

Come on, Max, I wanna see.

I'm trying it! Stop knocking.

Hey, Siri, what's the difference between

the white man's burden and the black man's burden?

Here's what I found on the Web for

what's the difference between the white man's burden and the black man's burden.

Max, come on, already. I wanna see.

It's fine. You don't need to see, you just need to buy it.

, it is so sweet that you have three girls.

- Angels. - Thank you.

You're welcome.

Fake.

Fake.

Ladies, please enjoy the course.

Thank you, Chef Daria.

Very nice. Very, very young.

- Not illegal. - Really cute.

- Joy, smell this. - Yeah, it's great.

- No, it's okay. Get in there. - It's fine.

- I can't really smell things. - Sam, she has allergies.

No, it's from my brain surgery.

- Oh, shit. I'm sorry, I forgot. - Yeah.

- I'm sorry, you had brain surgery? - Mmm.

Yes, she had brain surgery.

I mean, they cut her head open, and she was at work, like, a month later.

It's fine, okay? It wasn't cancer or anything.

It was right in the front. Really easy to take out.

Someone even said, "This is, like,

the best possible brain tumor"

And I'm not bragging.

You know what? They didn't even have to shave my head.

What they did is, like,

they sucked it out through my nose with, like, a straw...

like, a medical straw.

Did you think you were gonna die or anything?

No, not really. Not, like, seriously.

- Not even when they first told you? - No.

It was my ear, nose, and throat doctor who found it.

When he called me, he was like,

"There's this thing on your MRI.

95% of the time, they're benign.

I'm gonna put you together with a brain surgeon."

Actually, he just texted me earlier...

the brain surgeon.

- What? Why? - I don't know.

I guess we're sort of friends now.

He wants me to set him up with someone.

It does seem fast to be back on your feet

after brain surgery.

Right. Yeah, that's what I think.

Wait. Your brain surgeon

just texted you to hook him up?

That's weird, right?

And I don't wanna set people up anymore, okay?

- I hate it. - Why doesn't he just date you?

I mean, you're single.

What's your problem? What are you doing?

What?

Oh, my God. Jeff's on Tinder?

What? Oh, no. Oh, shoot. I'm sorry.

- That's shit. - You husband is on Tinder?

- Joy, no offense. Don't comment. - Sorry.

- What are you doing? - I'm calling Jeff.

- No, don't! Don't! - No!

Enough with this shit, Sunny!

Honey, I can't.

You can't... It's my life.

It's hard to watch. I love you.

You think it's harder to watch than it is to be living it?

Yeah, it might be.

That's just mean.

I know.

And that's all I have for you right now.

I don't know know what to say.

Jesus Christ, I hate him so much.

I just feel like...

Okay, you got out of yours. But I...

Not everybody's ready when you want them to be ready.

You're right.

Sorry. I'm really...

I'm sorry.

Sorry.

Lunches are ready!

- Thanks, Mom. - You got it.

Jessie come get your lunch.

I don't eat lunch.

Honey, you're growing.

And please stop, by the way.

Good morning, family.

I'm so excited to start another day.

- I'm not. - He won't eat his lunch.

That's my boy. You don't eat your lunch.

You eat the other guy's lunch, am I right?

- Yeah. Whatever, Dad. - That's my boy again.

Don't listen to anyone over 30.

And cut.

It needs something funnier there.

Well, we need to take a break, but we'll work on it.

Okay.

- Sammy, great as always. - Okay, Greg.

- Hey. - Hey.

Will you run the next scene with me?

Oh, sure.

Come on, I'm just finishing up some kid shit.

Okay.