Son of a Critch

Adult mark: There was a time when

The biggest decision a boy had to make on valentine's day

Was whether to go with the he-man or the spiderman cards.

But I was a teenager now, and like me,

My valentines had matured.

-Oh, "you're one foxy lady, be my valentine."

Well, now!

-Mom, a little privacy. -She'll love it.

-I have some for my other friends.

I know.

But this is a special one.

Oh! You packed your own lunch?

I'm not a baby anymore.

Did the mail come?

-Pop, they're in alphabetical order!

-What? -Stop--

Mary: No, the mail did not come today,

So you're just gonna have to wait.

Wait?

That's like playing a game of russian roulette at my age.

-Won't be mail any time soon. The post office is on strike.

Damn pinko posties!

I mean, I need my cheque!

-Well, your breakfast is free, hm?

-I mean, if they're on strike, I'm on strike.

I'm going back to bed.

Mike! Breakfast.

Mark's been doing his valentine's cards.

Did you remember yours?

-Oh! That reminds me, I ran into yim lee.

Terrible news.

Who's that?

-When your father and I were first married,

We lived over a chinese restaurant on water street.

Lovely couple. Hm. What's wrong?

-He's opening a new location down the road,

And he's invited us there tomorrow night,

The whole family.

Oh, that's wonderful!

-For you! I hate restaurants.

Oh.

-And it's the grand opening. Whole place is gonna be packed!

-Aw, it's a date, on valentine's day!

Oh, mike.

-Ah, I suppose there's no getting out of it now.

Yim's been good to us.

oh, for the love of god!

hello?

Mark, it's for you.

It's cara.

Adult mark : Cara!

Protestant princess.

The most exotic person I knew.

And even though she had kicked my ass on regional television,

I was inexplicably drawn to her,

Like mr. Chafe to a can of vienna sausages.

- Uh, hello? - Cara: hi.

So, I was thinking, I want you to be my valentine.

Tomorrow's Friday.

We should do something.

Adult mark : I'd never said no to a girl before.

I'd never said yes either, but still.

Uh, wow!

Your-- your valentine?

Uh, that is quite the offer.

Uh, thank you.

You see, my family and I are going out for dinner, so I...

Then it's a date.

Talk later...

Valentine.

Adult mark : Cupid's arrow had shot me in the foot.

-I thought you already had a valentine.

-Mom! Privacy! -Hm!

Breakfast.

Should be able to eat a lot with two faces, hm?

I've lost my appetite.

I'm going to school.

Mike sr: Breaking news!

Late last night, early this morning,

Negotiations with the postal workers' union broke off

With government hoping to "stamp out" an uprising.

They told the union the "cheque is in the mail,"

But neither rain, nor sleet, nor snow will keep the posties

From coming back to the table.

Mike critch, the vocm news service.

Hey, dad, we need the room.

We're gettin' a photo for the new

Vo magic morning billboard.

Where's dick?

Jesus, mary, and joseph.

Looks great, dick.

What looks great?

The-- you--

-Am I, uh, still taking the photo, or, uh...

-No, gertie, that'll do. Thank you.

Yeah.

What's all this about?

I'm shagged, mike, b'y.

Mr. Murphy is practically giving my show to your youngster.

You know what that means.

I'm slipping down the dial.

First it's mornings,

Then the afternoon drive, then oldies...

Then fired!

You're not wrong.

-What? -I mean, don't worry about it.

Oh, c'mon, mike, b'y.

I'm gonna be 40 soon.

-Look, dick, we're all gettin' older.

Maybe it's just time you started to...

Act your age.

-Mary: Ah, here. -Thank you.

-Thanks for coming over, suzanne.

I just don't know what to do with myself these days!

Young mike's always working,

And mark don't want to be anywhere near me.

And his father is just too stressed to talk to.

It's like nobody needs me anymore.

Did my cheque come?

-Will you frig off? I'm talking to suzanne!

Oh.

Ever since my ex moved, I...

I've been having a hard time making ends meet.

I had to take another job.

-Oh, sin. What are you doing now?

-I'm a scab down to the post office.

Well, what do you do?

Well, it's just sorting mail.

Sometimes they get me to deliver it.

It's just a couple of hours a day until the strike is over.

Jeez, girl, mary girl.

They're always looking for fill-ins.

Why don't you come down with me and sign up?

Oh, I don't know, girl.

I mean, what about the ones on strike?

Isn't that bad?

Oh, well--

-You know, the way I looks at it,

If there weren't scabs-- replacement workers--

Then they'd be forced to go back to work.

I mean, you'd be supporting their cause...

From the inside.

I don't know, pop.

Oh!

I mean, you know what your trouble is?

You are co-dependent.

-What? -No, no, no, no, no.

Don't. I saw it on donahue.

Because you give and you give and you give.

But you can't set yourself on fire

Just to keep other people warm. Take the job!

Say goodbye to "mom."

Say hello to "mary" again!

You are right.

That crowd would be lucky to have me!

-Yeah! -I'm gonna do it.

Ah, good!

Oh... And, uh, listen,

While you're down there,

Would you look for my cheque?

Ritche: So, let me get this straight.

You have not one, but two girlfriends now?

You've gone full archie andrews!

Look, it's not like that.

Cara and fox are just...

Two friends who happen to be girls.

-They both have feelings for you.

Your point being?

-You need to be honest with them.

I know, I...

I like them both.

And they both seem to like me.

And I really like being liked.

-And if fox finds out, she's gonna be really hurt.

Then she's really gonna hurt you.

Hey, guys.

What are you talking about?

Uh... Nothing.

Tv: Our final story tonight is all about looking for love.

Where the hell's your mudder?

Tv: A marvellous horse by the name of shagra...

-We should be a quarter to dessert by now!

Shh!

Meet the amazing shagra.

Adult mark : I bought the chocolates for fox,

But with mom gone, this was a matter of survival.

Pop: Yeah, whoa, chocolate!

Ooh-hoo!

Hm, coconut, disgusting!

Where's the map?

Mike sr: Mary!

Where the hell have you been?

Oh, didn't pop tell ya?

I got a temp job down at the post office.

Oh, awesome, mom.

You're a scab?

I'll make dinner.

But we already ate.

So there.

-What? Wha-- wha-- what?