Silicon Valley

- (POP MUSIC PLAYING) - (CHATTER)

- (KNOCKING ON DOOR) - Holy shit.

- Uh... - What the fuck is that?

Uh, that is Jared Dunn.

He works for Gavin belson.

Hey. Sorry if I scared you.

I know I have somewhat ghost-like features.

My Uncle used to say,

"you look like someone starved a virgin to death."

It's... yeah. I can see it.

I heard you were having a launch party.

- Yeah. - Am I early?

No.

Well then, a gift of congratulations.

Now, if Gavin sent you here,

you should know that I've turned him down.

I'm going with Peter Gregory.

I'm actually picking up my check tomorrow.

So I've made my decision.

That's not why I'm here. It's just... (SIGHS)

Watching you say no to ten million dollars to build your own thing,

there's just something very exciting about that.

Whoa. Whoa, whoa! What is he doing here?

Hey, this is a private party, buddy. I'm gonna have to ask you to leave.

- Oh, I didn't mean to... - You know, in the state of California

you can kill a man for entering your house without permission.

Ok. I understand. Uh, thank you.

Richard, I just wanna say, I really respect what you're doing here.

And if you could ever use someone with my business development skill set,

I would love to be a part of this.

The fuck you will be.

We'll call you when we want pleated khakis.

You know this is a fucking domestic?

Why... why were you so mean to him?

He wasn't spying on us. He just said he likes us.

- He wants to join the company. - Of course he does, Richard.

Let me explain something to you.

Your whole life you've been an ugly chick

but now suddenly you're a hot chick,

with big tits and small nipples.

So guys like that are gonna keep coming around.

Don't be a slut, Richard.

- I don't... - (DOORBELL RINGS)

Now speaking of such things,

dinesh, change the lighting to something erotic

because it's about to get pretty fucking erotic in here.

License to kill-9. Ib action-dot-erotica.

Wha... what... what's going on?

- What's happening? - Gentlemen, I present to you...

Mochacino.

Not this guy.

Mochacino.

She's my gift to you.

You wanna smoke weed?

Hey.

Can somebody play something with a beat, please?

I'll go make a playlist.

Yeah. I actually have some... Some water, uh, cooking, I think.

Yeah, I don't pay for it. So...

Barking up the wrong tree here.

God, I hate palo alto.

Hello again.

You know, I don't actually have a ton of dance music

but I turned the bass way up.

Baby...

You're getting a private show.

Hey.

What the fuck?

Ok. There's the butt time.

Hey, should we have left him in there by himself?

I mean, should we go back in there?

No interest. I entice the flesh, I don't pay for it.

Plus, Tara's coming into town in a couple weeks.

I'm saving up all my humors for her.

You know what I mean?

- What's your excuse? - I didn't even shake

a woman's hand until I was 17-years-old.

The idea of getting an erection around men I live and work with,

it's just not something I can handle.

The idea that I have a boner and you have a boner

and he has a boner and we're all sitting there

with boners in our pants...

I wonder if he's ok in there.

So what do you guys do here?

Oh, we're mostly working on a lossless compression algorithm.

- A what? - It makes files smaller.

Doesn't matter. Uh, it's called pied Piper.

It's gonna be famous. You'll know it, eventually.

Who was this woman that you shook hands with for the first time?

The postman lady.

- What? - A woman that was a man?

Not a post-man lady.

- A lady who was a post... - Let me ask you another question.

Who was the second woman you shook hands with?

I didn't even know you were coming.

- (MOCHACINO) Stop. (YELLS) Doug! - Oh, boy.

- Stop. - I don't think I'm the one...

Someone is paying me. Ok. I didn't come

just to dance on your boner all night for free.

I was not erect. I... that was... I was only being polite.

So you were being polite when you said that you loved me?

First off, I said you seemed like someone I could fall in love with.

And, yes, also politeness.

Richie, pay the lady.

What? Why... why should I pay her?

I didn't hire her. I didn't even get a lap dance.

This is a company party and you're the ceo.

- So pony up. - No.

If anyone should pay her it should be you.

Doug, help the ceo find his money.

No. No, no. We don't... I don't need help.

I know where it is. It's here.

- (MOCHACINO) Mm-hmm. - It's all here.

Do you... I don't know... Do you accept amex?

- You damn right I do. - Put a hundred on there for yourself, mocha.

- Well, that's an expensive boner. - Not a boner.

- (SIGHS) - Thanks for coming in, guys.

We have a lot to do, so,

let's get started.

Sounds great.

Me? Ok.

Uhh...

Well, we're just really excited to get going, Mr. Gregory.

Yes. Who's "we"?

Myself, him, uh,

- the guys back at the house. - Guys?

What guys?

Who is this?

Erlich bachman. I'm an entrepreneur,

much like yourself. Uh...

Richard actually developed pied Piper

while residing in my Incubator,

so as per our agreement, I own ten percent of the company.

I'm paying you $200,000 for five percent

yet you're giving this man...

Twice that in exchange for... a futon?

And some sandwiches?

Actually, sir, my tenants provide their own food...

What other percentages have you apportioned?

Can I see your cap table, investment deck,

business plan or any other relevant paperwork

you may have prepared?

I... I just was under the impression that, uh...

We would just be coming by and saying "hi", you know,

uh, to pick up the check.

And, uh, I just didn't know that any of that stuff was due yet.

- "Due"? - (SIGHS)

This is not college, Richard.

I am not going to be giving you a course syllabus.

You turned down ten million dollars

to keep pied Piper.

What did you give up that money for? What is this company?

What did I buy?

- You bought the algorithm, which... - No.

The algorithm is the product of the company.

I know that.

What I'm asking about is the company itself.

Who is it? What do they do?

Are they essential?

Or do you just throw a percentage at them like you did with this...

This all must be worked out.

Now.

When you said you'd guide us

through some of the stuff I thought that this was

the stuff you'd be guiding us through.

I cannot guide you until you give me...

Something to guide.

This is going very poorly.

I know that.

He doesn't seem to know what he's doing.

Did you just take a sip from an empty cup?

Yes.

Why did you do that?

- Just something to do. - Come back in 48 hours

with an airtight business plan,

a clear go-to-market strategy

and three year summary p&I or there will be no check.

That's it.

Well, thanks for coming in, guys.

Um... are there any water fountains in your offices?

I assume.

I own ten percent of an app that locates all nearby water fountains.

I'd be happy to discuss it with you.

Good day, gentlemen.

You smoke weed?

You really embarrassed me in there.

You didn't say shit about any business plan before today.

And neither did he. And he was kind of being an asshole back there.

Yeah, that's why he's a billionaire. 'Cause he knows how and when to be an asshole.

That's what you need to be like.

- You do, Richard. - Whatever.

If you continue to mismanage this company giving ten percent to whoever...

Obviously, you know, we can't go back on my shares.

That ship has sailed but from here on out.

Now you're being an asshole.

You say that like it's a bad thing.

Richard, if you're not an asshole, it creates this kind of

asshole vacuum and that void is filled by other assholes, like Jared.

I mean, you almost gave him shares.

You need to completely change who you are, Richard.