I Hate Suzie

‫There were some photos posted online. ‫And I just want to say it's not me.

‫No. I mean, I wish I was that thin.

‫"So obviously it's not your husband's penis?"

‫Do you want me to answer that? I don't...

‫Whose cock is it? Who's fucking cock is it?

‫The point is we should all be fine with seeing ‫someone with a cock in their hand.

‫- We're not children. ‫- But there are children in the world.

‫Also, we have one.

‫"Your dad's gonna do a chat ‫with one of the men from the Sun."

‫And Archie is gonna get ‫thirty grand as a gift.

‫I mean, have you got her a gift?

‫Yeah. I've got her a gift. I've got her a...

‫- A what? ‫- An air purifier that also cools.

‫Do you seriously think Disney are gonna want ‫to work with you with a drug scandal?

‫- You're delusional. ‫- Christ, you're just so co-dependent.

‫- I'm co-dependent? ‫- Oh what, I'm co-dependent?

‫- You're so co-dependent. ‫- Don't talk down to me

‫like some proxy kid, alright!

‫If you do want to do that why don't you ‫just have a fucking baby!

‫Because I am not that selfish!

‫- And you're peri menopausal. ‫- Peri menopausal!

‫I feel like my whole life I've just, I've seen ‫everything from other people's points of view.

‫I really, really don't want to be ‫an agent anymore.

‫What do your other clients ‫have to say about this?

‫You're the only person ‫I didn't know how to tell.

‫You need to face up to what you've done, ok? ‫Not just to me, but to Frank.

‫Those photos will never go away, ok?

‫His memory of his birthday ‫will never go away!

‫You're mummy's secret weapon. ‫Do you know that?

‫You're leaving me? You're leaving me! ‫Is that what you're saying?

‫You're fucking leaving me!

‫The truth is, I don't love you, Cob.

‫But I think that's fair enough ‫considering what you're like.

‫I will never fucking forgive you

‫and I will make your life ‫a living hell from now on.

‫"As long as I'm not pregnant or anything"

‫Fuck!

‫Three, four. One, two...

‫Six, seven and a one, two...

‫One, two...

‫Five, six...

‫"You have thirty seconds ‫to finish voting guys."

‫"Get on the DC app and press to bless."

‫"You decide who stays in the competition."

‫Suzie Pickles, that was unbelievable.

‫All devised by yourself with the limited ‫support of a choreographer.

‫- Yup. ‫- Let's see what the public are saying

‫in real time, let's view the Craze Displays!

‫And they are blessing with pressing right now ‫on their phones from their homes.

‫Five four, three, two, one!

‫And it is low?

‫Oh, darling, it is low!

‫Wow, that is the lowest tonight so far.

‫Suzie, how do you feel?

‫I mean, wow, you know, not,

‫- I mean not, I mean not ideal, you know. ‫- Hmm, and what do you think went wrong?

‫Honestly, I don't think anything went wrong, ‫I guess they just didn't like It.

‫Ok. Our lovely celebrity contestants ‫only have four weeks

‫before the final on Christmas Eve.

‫Whoever gets the lowest score tonight ‫will be going home.

‫Let's see what our next contestant ‫has in store. It's Benny H.

‫One minute thirty on VT everyone.

‫Soupy off stage.

‫Oh gosh, are you ok, Suzie? ‫Bit of a shock?

‫- Yeah, I just... ‫- You know Veronica's available.

‫No, no, no, I don't, I don't need psych.

‫Poor old Veronica, ‫everyone on this show is so robust!

‫- I just need to get back to my dressing room. ‫- Your agent is here with a PR guy.

‫- Just round the corner, I think. ‫- Oh, right. Hi.

‫- That was ridiculous. ‫- I didn't know...

‫- Sorry, can we just clear this area, please. ‫- Yeah, they did ask that we stay in

‫or around the green room, ‫but nobody's actually defined the space.

‫- Soupy heading out! ‫- How are you doing?

‫I'm out, right? That was crazy low. ‫I mean, did you see it? Was it terrible?

‫Maybe I'm mad but ‫I don't believe that response.

‫- I'm gonna talk to the... ‫- Suzie?

‫- Yeah. ‫- Holland. Sorry, we've not met in person.

‫- Gosh, tall! ‫- You'll remember me from the PR Zoom?

‫- Can we just keep moving, please. ‫- I'm so embarrassed. I'm so embarrassed.

‫- Excuse me. ‫- Oh, my god. What are you doing here?

‫- Why are you here? Is everything alright? ‫- Yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm just, I'm just here.

‫He's a, he's a supportive presence.

‫I need some water, please. ‫Erm, my mouth is so...

‫- Listen, you need... ‫- It's empty!

‫You need to be inside your own ‫experience right now.

‫You know, white noise from ‫the Mail Online is totally banned.

‫Oh shit, has he done it? Is it out? ‫Of course, it's out tonight,

‫- of course ‫- The piece is online now

‫- and will run in print tomorrow. ‫- I am so proud of you

‫- for not doing the obvious thing out there. ‫- Right, well, how is it? What does he say?

‫Well, as an interview, as tell-alls go, ‫it's your husband in a park looking wronged.

‫- This way, Suzie, if you can follow me. ‫- And he does discuss your marriage.

‫Yeah, actually, we should just, ‫just let me detach the mike.

‫- Yes, yes, of course. ‫- Good thought.

‫Erm, is this gonna be, ‫is this gonna be a quiet spot?

‫The dressing rooms are just upstairs ‫so if we keep...

‫Can we just hang here, just for two minutes?

‫- Is that ok? ‫- Well, we do need to get back up to the...

‫- Literally just two minutes ‫- What can we say, he's a narcissist.

‫- Oh no, please, just until I... ‫- Sure.

‫- Just because it's sewn in to the thing. ‫- Take that.

‫Can you get under that thing ‫and pull it tight.

‫- Can we clear back to the green room please! ‫- Ok.

‫- Great. Sorry, sorry. ‫- Yeah, quick Soupy, thank you.

‫Oh my god. Wait, ok, ok. Almost...

‫Oh, my god.

‫- Are we good? ‫- Yes. Right, ok.

‫- Breathe. ‫- The thing is,

‫if he just tells the story from his point ‫of view, which he's done,

‫I discovered these photos of my wife ‫with another man

‫at the same time as everyone else and then ‫she left me and our son six months ago,

‫when you just tell the story with the facts, ‫he can seem like, he gives good reasonable.

‫This is not fucking reasonable!

‫- This is punishment for doing the show. ‫- Alright, Suzie?

‫- He's jealous Alright, JB! ‫- You're doing really well.

‫- He's such a fucker! ‫- It's alright.

‫You're the one that's reasonable, Susan, ‫You are, ok?

‫It's a question, not for now, ‫but it's a question of how to respond.

‫What? Respond like what?

‫Well, we think just a short, ‫heartfelt apology.

‫- What, what am I apologising for? ‫- Well, nothing specific.

‫Just generally in the world we don't always ‫behave in the way that we would like.

‫Right, so I just apologise for everything?

‫Or, is it silence? Is it dignity?

‫Thank you.

‫- They're like buses, the ex-husbands. ‫- Whoopee!

‫- Here comes another one. ‫- Bailey!

‫Say it ain't so, babe.

‫Ow! No, no! Stop! Stop! Please, don't, because ‫my eyelash is attached! Just don't move!

‫Oh my god, my sequins ‫are literally blinding you.

‫Oh my god.

‫- You were great by the way. ‫- Oh, no. I was terrible, the shame, shame.

‫Great, great, great. You want shame? ‫Check this out! I am shitting it. Seriously.

‫The old tum-tum, touch of diarrhoea. They're ‫gonna be cleaning shit off sequins for days.

‫No, you look great. You look brave!

‫Jam fairy! Suzie, there's your jam.

‫- Thanks. ‫- Oh my gosh, that was unbelievable!

‫- Thank you. ‫- Are you ok?

‫- Is there anything I can do? ‫- I'm fine, thank you.

‫- Bailey, your jam's in your room! ‫- Lovely

‫Thank you so much. ‫Thank you, thank you, thank you...

‫Soupy's in her nest

‫Oh god.

‫No, don't fall out.

‫Oh, god. Stay in, stay in, stay in.

‫"Welcome to Pathways Reproductive Choices."

‫"There is an unusually high demand ‫for our services at the moment."

‫"Due to high call volume, we may take ‫an extremely long time to answer your call,"

‫"please visit our webchat service ‫for general advice or support."

‫Oh, my god.

‫Alright, get fucking down there!

‫That's it. All gone. Back to the sea.

‫Now you don't want another one, do you? ‫Because I've already put that in the paper.

‫- Alright? ‫- Alright. Alright?

‫- What's going on? ‫- You were up late.

‫- So er, I've decided to do the show. ‫- Dance Crazee?

‫- She's saying yes to a life! ‫- Fuckin' A!

‫- Who's saying yes to toast? ‫- Fuck it, what have I got to lose?

‫Anyway, it's only the Christmas one.

‫- They're gonna put you up, yeah? ‫- Shane, that's my sister!

‫You're welcome to stay forever, babe.

‫Thanks, babe, but look, I can't spend the rest ‫of my life in your box room scrolling Insta.

‫- Do you want some help with that? ‫- No! It's ok, I've got it.

‫Make myself useful, Shane.

‫So, I'm doing it.

‫- I am doing it! ‫- She's doing it! And she's doing it!

‫- I'm doing it! ‫- And she's doing it! And she's doing it!

‫- And dance! ‫- Ok, I'm doing it. Bye!

‫Bye.

‫Hi Suzie, can we put a mike on you now, ‫is that alright?

‫- Yeah. ‫- Oh, shit.

‫I'll take it.

‫- Let me help. Okay. ‫- Thank you.

‫- Do you want me to take that? ‫- Yes, that'd be great. Thank you.

‫- Let me get this. ‫- There we go, there we go, there we go.

‫- Soupy to stage. ‫- Ok.

‫let's dance!

‫Oh, just so you know, ‫your guests are in the green room.

‫Ok, great, yeah.

‫- So how long have you been here for? ‫- Me? Yeah. Oh, a while, a few years.

‫Oh, really? Gosh, you look so young.

‫There you go.

‫- Do you need anything? ‫- I'm ok, actually.

‫You don't seem too nervous ‫for your first dance.

‫Oh, hey! Hi!

‫- One, two, three, four... ‫- Nice.

‫Yeah?

‫Got it.

‫Oh, well done! Well done! Were you scared?

‫"Next up with her very next dance, ‫it's actress and celebrity, Suzie Pickles!"

‫"You've seen her up, you've seen her down, ‫but you've never seen her like this."

‫"Dancing to win your hearts ‫and to also win Dance Crazee Christmas,"

‫"it's Suzie Pickles!"

‫- Oh, sorry to leave you. ‫- Hi.

‫I don't know if it's gauche to say, ‫but I thought robbed by the way.

‫Thanks.

‫Suzie. Good morning!

‫Oh, we thought robbed by the way. ‫I don't know if, my gosh.

‫- I didn't know you watched. ‫- Annabel's obsessed.

‫I think they found your mother ‫wandering the halls.