I Hate Suzie

‫At least she's having fun.

‫Three of her sucking his cock ‫and then this one taken after.

‫There's more in the background. ‫Do you see?

‫- What? I don't see anything. ‫- Ha-ha. Look closer.

‫Ha-ha! Slag.

‫- Terrible tits too. ‫- L-O-L.

‫Yes, I prefer bigger ones.

‫- On a smaller frame, ideally. ‫- Same.

‫Aw, your preference is for ‫bigger breasts on a smaller frame.

‫What a connoisseur. What a rare and unique ‫gazonga palette you have, sir.

‫I haven't seen that top before.

‫- But have you looked over there? ‫- Room service!

‫Plates? Some food? A wineglass?

‫But what's above the wineglass?

‫Now you see it. Deep background.

‫Drugs as well. Disgusting.

‫That's not all she put in ‫her mouth. LOL. ROFL.

‫- Ha-ha. Ha-ha. ‫- LOL. ROFL.

‫- LOL. ROFL. ‫- Ha-ha.

‫- LOL. ROFL. LOL. ROFL. ‫- Ha-ha. Ha-ha.

‫- LOL. ROFL. LOL. ROFL. LOL. ROFL. ‫- Ha-ha. Ha-ha. Ha-ha.

‫Hey.

‫I keep reporting all ‫the sites that upload it

‫and then threatening anyone who reposts.

‫Some other... fucker puts it up.

‫Cob, you don't have to do that, okay?

‫- The lawyers are on it, it's not... ‫- Mm-hm.

‫- It's not your problem. ‫- Isn't it?

‫- Did you watch that TED Talk I sent you? ‫- No, I didn't.

‫And maybe don't send me ‫any more fucking YouTube clips

‫from fucking Naomi for me to watch ‫about your fucking infidelity.

‫Sorry, I thought I'd deleted ‫the bottom of the email.

‫But it's Esther Perel, you know? ‫She's very good.

‫When was the last time you took drugs?

‫What sort of drugs? ‫I mean, women take all sorts of drugs

‫you know, all the time ‫to deal with all the pain.

‫Do you know what else ‫is in those photos?

‫His balls? My stretch marks? ‫If you look really closely, am I in blackface?

‫Coke. Cocaine.

‫On a phone. His, presumably.

‫You're fucking joking?

‫Nope. Someone in one of the ‫forums really kindly blew it up.

‫Fuck!

‫Yeah. Didn't mention that, did you, ‫when we talked about it?

‫I didn't mention... ‫Of course I didn't mention that.

‫- That wasn't the main... ‫- So it's that common, is it?

‫For you to take a shitload ‫of drugs with someone?

‫- And then... We used to do that ‫- No.

‫all the time before we... before Frank.

‫And I assumed that ‫we both gave all that up.

‫Really? 'Cause can I raise a hand ‫to the Critics Circle Award 2016?

‫Fuck off! That was, like, 10 years ago!

‫- No, it was 2016. ‫- I'm not boring!

‫Okay? It's... it's like...

‫It's like you made me boring. ‫We both agreed to be boring.

‫And then you've been off down ‫this whole other secret hole of life.

‫- It's not fair! ‫- I haven't.

‫- That's not an accurate... ‫- Yes, it is! It's not fair, Suz!

‫You can't just make me boring ‫and then go and fuck this other idiot guy

‫because you're fucking ‫bored of me... that's bullshit.

‫I compromised, okay? ‫I... I gave stuff up.

‫You didn't compromise anything, ‫you just fucking moved...

‫- I understand that. ‫- No, you don't.

‫- Suzie, I thought I was depressed! ‫- You are depressed.

‫I'm not fucking depressed! I just ‫need a new dressing gown, okay?

‫I'm not depressed! I just need to not be with ‫a complete psychopath!

‫And if you don't get that, ‫if you don't understand that

‫I need some fun now, I need ‫some fucking attention here

‫then I... I just... ‫I genuinely don't think...

‫that this... that this can work.

‫Hey, big man!

‫Yes, sir. Music for dancing.

‫Just fucking dance.

‫Look, I know I fucked up massively ‫okay? I'm aware of that.

‫I'm trying to be better, I actively am. If I ‫do the Disney gig, we can just start again.

‫We just go out there, forget all of this...

‫You think Disney are gonna wanna ‫work with you with a drug scandal?

‫- Are you delusional? ‫- They can't just assume what it is.

‫Okay? You can buy legal highs online, ‫it looks exactly the same.

‫- They don't know the context. ‫- It's white powder on a phone screen

‫with a fucking TV exec ‫with his cock in your mouth.

‫That's quite a lot of context, isn't it?

‫I'm a terrible mother. ‫I'm a terrible wife.

‫I'm only a slightly ‫above average actress.

‫I think the last time I spoke to you ‫was my wedding vows. Yeah.

‫I know you probably think "Oh, she only comes ‫to me when I want something", but...

‫please, I really need your help.

‫I'll be good from now on.

‫I'll tell the truth. I'll be a better mother, ‫a better wife, a better friend.

‫I know you can't ‫take it all away, but...

‫Maybe you can, you know? ‫You're... so powerful and all that.

‫Is that alright? You know, ‫just... just give me a sign if...

‫Oh, wow. I mean, that's, um...

‫Um...

‫Have we got a deal?

‫I mean... amen.

‫- Naomi Duribchi? ‫- Yes.

‫Nice to see you again.

‫Okay, so, um, we're not at a total loss.

‫You haven't totally stopped ‫ovulating, which is good.

‫- Right. ‫- Very low levels of AMH and FSH.

‫Every time you've come in, ‫I've suggested egg freezing.

‫- Mmm. Which you sell. ‫- But I think we're past that point.

‫- Look, I'll do it, okay? I'll do it. ‫- No. No.

‫What I mean is at your stage, ‫and at your age with the quality of the eggs

‫I don't think it's the best use ‫of your time or money.

‫Sorry? Wait. You don't want them?

‫We've been monitoring you, ‫and you have the levels

‫we would expect in a woman ‫5, 10 years older.

‫Yeah, but aren't all your tests from, like ‫French stats from the 1890s or something?

‫I'm looking specifically at your ‫body, and you're perimenopausal.

‫- Perimenopausal? ‫- It's not unusual in women in their late 30s.

‫I'm in my mid-to-late 30s.

‫You could still get pregnant naturally. ‫We don't know.

‫- Where's Frank? ‫- He's over there.

‫What did she say?

‫She just kept saying, ‫"Tiny window. Tiny window".

‫Tiny, tiny, tiny, tiny, tiny, like ‫a fucking doll's house or something.

‫- But that's not bad, is it? ‫- Much lower than normal for my age.

‫I've got a super low ovarian reserve. Like, ‫hardly any follicles. Well below average.

‫I guess in order for there to be an average

‫someone has to ‫be well below average, don't they?

‫- So is that an illness? ‫- No, Suz, that's just how averages work!

‫Hey. Did you spit at a swan?

‫No, we... ‫I told you, we don't spit at swans.

‫- So, what are you gonna do? ‫- I don't know. I don't know.

‫Patriarchal fucking medicine ‫hasn't done any research.

‫It's my own fault. It's my own fault. ‫The whole reason I broke up with Mart...

‫I said for years...

‫I don't believe they know. ‫I don't believe they know.

‫How can they just say...

‫Well, you know what Mum would ‫say about a situation like this?

‫- Yeah, "Fuck a squaddie". ‫- Exactly, fuck a squaddie.

‫Seriously. Who loses? ‫Alright, forget all the science.

‫You haven't got time for what ‫you thought you had time for.

‫Just fucking get on, ‫get into it, do it, alright?

‫You know what you want, ‫just get the fuck on with it.

‫Yeah, yeah. I know that. ‫I do that. I am that.

‫- Ugh! ‫- Mmmm!

‫I like your, um, sh... ‫What are shoes?

‫Oh, cool.

‫- How are you? ‫- Yeah, I'm fine. I'm fine.

‫Okay, so listen, in other news, ‫the zombie people are suing you.

‫- Oh, yes. ‫- Yeah.

‫- The producers, for leaving the show. ‫- Whoo!

‫It's impossible for me ‫to get you out of contract

‫because you won't let me tell them ‫the reason that you're leaving.

‫- Can't they fucking guess? ‫- It doesn't profit them to guess.

‫- Just let me tell them! ‫- No, he's just told his wife.

‫- I can't get him into trouble twice. ‫- You're crazy. Then you talk to them.

‫They wanna take you out for ‫dinner on Friday night.

‫Friday night? I can't go out ‫for dinner on Friday night.

‫I'm going out with Cob. ‫We're going to have some fun.

‫- It's date night. It's dick night. ‫- If you can't go, then I have to tell them.

‫- I'm trying to save my marriage! ‫- And I'm trying to save your career!

‫I said I'm sorry.

‫So we don't have to stay for long.

‫Then I've booked this really ‫nice place for afterwards.

‫It's got a great tasting menu ‫and cocktails and all that, you know?

‫Or we could just stay there ‫and have a free meal.

‫I can't fucking believe ‫they have the gall to sue you!

‫I think they just wanna see how ‫serious I am about leaving, you know?

‫I think we just keep it nice and light.

‫I'm... I'm light. I'm lighter than air.

‫I'm lighter than all the noble gases.

‫I'm lighter than fucking... ‫I'm lighter than hydrogen

‫which is, unbeknownst to many

‫- even lighter than helium. ‫- Okay.

‫Which is why they ‫filled the 'Hindenburg' with it.

‫- And why all those people died. ‫- Great.

‫"Helen's jumper had been ‫pulled up to expose her body."

‫"She had six wounds on her head, ‫most of which caused fractures."

‫"She also had multiple ‫stab wounds to her chest."

‫"Helen's body had actually been ‫well concealed by the river"

‫"and they had difficulty ‫in removing her from the scene."

‫"G concluded that Helen had actually ‫been killed somewhere else"

‫"and then her body had been left ‫at that location for some time."

‫Is that a pill?

‫Okay. Wow!

‫- Go on. Fun. We're having fun. ‫- No. No, no, no, no.

‫- Um, ah, yeah, maybe after. ‫- Here you are.

‫I'm alright, thanks.

‫Oh, so you'll take drugs ‫with him but not with me.

‫Don't be like that. ‫I've got the meeting, haven't I?

‫Well, that was work, ‫when you were with him.

‫We'll just tell them to go fuck ‫themselves, then we're gonna go out

‫and me and you are gonna have ‫a lovely fucking time, okay?

‫- Alright, alright! ‫- Right!

‫- I'll just... ‫- Christ on a bike.

‫- Whoo! ‫- Alright.

‫- Eli? Hi. ‫- Naomi. Hi.

‫Oh. Wow. You're really in East London ‫waiting for me in this orb?

‫- Yes. ‫- God. Trapping me in this orb.

‫- Shall we small-talk, then? ‫- God, I hate small talk.

‫Of course you do. Who likes small talk?

‫Who says, "I'm all about ‫the insignificant bullshit?"

‫Go on, then. What's your opener?

‫Have you ever been in a car accident?

‫Oh, God! No. No.

‫- Have you? ‫- No.