Laughterhouse

Amos!

Hubert!

Dammit!

Bloody useless.

Amos!

Amos!

Hubert!

Bloody Hubert! Where are you?

Amos!

Blast it. Get away, you stupid goose. Go on!

Amos.

Ben. Hm? Oh, my God.

Couldn't you be more careful?

What the bloody hell's happened?

There's no need to swear. I told them at the bank.

I suppose you didn't manage to get the overdraft extended?

And I don't suppose you remembered the Christmas decorations?

Alice, what's happened?

Your plucking team's on strike.

God.

Amos!

Amos.

Tell him it's official. Guvnor's back.

Well, what'd he say?

Didn't wait to find out, did I.

Oh. It is union business.

It's us, sir. It was on earlier on.

Murphy! Yes, I'm hanging on.

Murphy! Come, boy.

Union business, Derek. Who is it?

No idea. Where are you off to then?

The lav.

Hello. Brenda!

One at a time. You know the rules!

I'm burstin', Derek. Brenda!

Hands can cool if you're a woman, Derek.

Look, I've informed area office.

No, I can't.

It's Christmas up here. I can't come over.

We'll be looking out for him then.

We're getting one of the Transport and General Workers officials

from Norwich. Sent over special.

Name's Armitage.

United we stand, that's what you say.

You two were down here.

What's wrong with our old bloody official?

We're all one now, Amos.

Hearse and transport workers, amalgamated.

Perhaps now we'll get some action.

Who fed them?

I didn't know they'd been fed.

They're out there eating their heads off.

They should be plucked and ready for off now.

They're due for blow freezing tomorrow, Alice.

A man has lost two knuckles off the index finger of his right hand.

What?!

Who?

I don't know their names. I had to go and tell his wife.

Mrs... Dibney.

Oh, my... And I had to drive him to the Norfolk and Norwich.

There's blood all over the transit.

I hope you're insured.

Don't you think you ought to ring Archers Transport?

They'll be here first thing in the morning.

What are we going to do?

I didn't agree with involving the bloody union in the first place.

You don't keep no dog and bark yourself.

It's the rights of man what's at stake here.

Every bugger what hails from Thetford is the bloody same.

The rights of bloody man.

You hail from Thetford?

I never knew that.

Went to the same school as Tom Paine, me.

Reg Dibney's lost his trigger finger.

That costs money.

A wife and six kids has Reg.

Another on the way.

Pity it wasn't something else he stuck in the plucking machine.

I've nothing for you, Oscar.

But I... I just wanted to find out if I was insured.

Now you tell me I'm not.

Oh, I am? So sorry. I misheard you.

Right, well, I'll get it in the post tomorrow.

Thank you. Where have you been? Bye-bye.

Choir.

You don't have choir practice on the last day of term.

I've been to a choir party.

You don't have choir parties either.

How did Dad get on at the bank?

Did he get enough for me to go to Zermatt?

If I hear you mention Zermat one more time...

Dad. Hm?

You've got no trousers on.

You smell.

My sister won't have a dog in her new motor.

What the hell do you think you're playing at?

Won't have you in neither. Good evening, Mr Singleton.

Peter Armitage - T&G.

What?

Could I just see where the accident happened, please?

What the hell's going on?!

There's been an industrial accident here.

Follow me.

Excuse me, Mr Singleton. Excuse me, Mr Singleton.

Would you just come back here!

There's the machine where the accident took place.

Oh, I see.

And what does it do exactly, this machine?

It plucks. That there is a plucking machine.

I was demonstrating to Brother Dibney how it worked.

Is this new technology?

A plucking machine? New technology?

Please, Mr Singleton, I was out at a biscuit factory in Norwich...

Geese are not bloody biscuits! They're alive!

It matter not to me whether they're geese or biscuits, Mr Singleton.

Those geese are out of here by tomorrow night...

We'll have it all sorted out... ..if I have to do the job myself.

...before the geese are moved.

If you're not in that yard tomorrow morning, you know where you can go.

And that goes for you too. ..living in the past, Mr Singleton.

Well, from an official of the T&G, that takes the bloody biscuit.

One of my members has had a serious industrial accident...

Just clear off my land! All of you!

Excuse me.

And where did you get your land from, Mr Singleton?

Has he got a phone in there, lads?

We've been using the one down at the lane.

Always take the fight to the enemy, lads.

He should call us brothers not lads.

Murphy makes more sense when she farts than yon fella.

Hello, love. Could I just use your phone for a minute?

A couple of quick calls. Sod off! Ben!

I told him it were going round when he stuck his finger in.

Ha! He was squealing like a stuck pig.

Workers are not expected to accept new technology without a memo.

I'm in that yard in the morning. Scab!

Bloody cottage scab.

Not losing one of our soldiers, are we?

Man who don't allow a dog in his motor car

ain't getting me on his bandwagon. Goodnight to you.

Murphy!

I reckon you'll be needing this as evidence, brother.

What is it? That there is the end of Reg's finger.

Emma.

Emma, would you like to help me with the decorations?

Emma, I want you down these stairs at once! Do you...?

That's all, Dad.

Hm.

She's only upset because I was late home, you know?

Yes. Yes.

I've met his heating engineer.

We're having central heating installed

in the old gym over Christmas.

Heating engineer?

He sounds like an old man.

He is! He's 19. Sh!

Basil.

Ben!

It's Archers. Will you come and speak to them?

That union man's been on to them. You haven't any transport!

Ben! You do not have any transport!

You could walk them to London.

They used to from around here.

Hugh told me.

They gave them shoes from tar and sand.

Ben!

Ben, you can't walk your geese to London.

I can walk them wherever I want.

You can't take them on the road. It's against the law.

Traffic has to give way to animals. It's in the Highway Code.

It is not. Animals do not have priority on the road.

You don't know what you're talking about!

Animals do not have priority on the road.

Ben, will you listen to me?!

Ben!

Ben.

Ben!

You're overreacting.

Who says? Your father?

I'm on the bloody Titanic and some jumped up solicitor's clerk

tells me I'm overreacting.

Would you get in the house!

Do your job, Emma.

Ben, will you stop being so damn pig-headed. It's illegal!

Mum, you broke into the vivisection labs and that was illegal.

Will you get in the house! Get on with your job, Emma.

Ben, please! Taking my goods to market is not illegal.

Get transport. You know you can. George Fletcher will have containers

going down every day this fortnight.

You're being your usual pig-headed self, Ben, and I'm sick of it.

I'm sick of it! Sick of it!

Where are you going? Alice?

To the factory!

Alice! Where are you going?

I'm gonna get some transport from the factory!

Alice!

Shoo! It's about bloody time. Roads we've got nowadays,

no need to tar 'em.

Man who pays the piper calls the tune.

Finger out!