Brooklyn Nine-Nine

Hey, you guys see the dude I brought in today...

The drug dealer? 81 years old.

I think it's the oldest collar of my entire career.

I once arrested a 96-year-old for flashing.

I was terrified he'd die in my backseat...

Or flash me.

My oldest collar was 78, but the PCP

made her fight like she was 20.

What about two 50-year-old twins?

Does that count as a 100-year-old?

- (Amy) No good. - No.

You talking oldest bags? 68.

That's not that old. Yeah, but I was only 20.

20? Were you even a cop then?

No, man, it was before I got into the academy.

Charles isn't talking about his oldest arrest.

Ew!

No... yes, I am.

Yeah, oldest arrest... 68, like I said.

God, you had sex with a 68-year-old

when you were in your 20s?

You know how it is.

When you have a chance to bed an older woman, you...

No, that is not an older woman. That's an old woman!

That's someone's grandma!

She was, actually. That's how I met her.

Went to college with her grandson Marvin.

Don't... don't knock it till you try it.

She had a replacement hip with some serious torque.

It was like having sex with a transformer.

No. That is no one's fantasy.

Peralta...

Where are we on the Lincoln place murder?

Well, like I told Captain Holt earlier this week,

we are at the one-yard line. It's a football reference.

Yes, Jake. I played linebacker at Syracuse.

Really? In High School, I played center field

in the musical damn Yankees.

Yeah, you don't want to brag about that.

Peralta, you want to loop everyone in?

- Ehh... - That was not a request.

Fine.

Get ready for some stuff on a screen.

Meet Fred Gorman...

Prominent citizen, lawyer, corpse.

Now meet his wife, Ann Hoert.

She did not take his last name,

but I believe she did take his life.

- Nice. - Thank you, Charles.

Now, Hoert had means, motives, and opportunity.

I just need to find the murder weapon.

For some reason, the D.A. won't move forward with the arrest

until we find the knife she used.

Is that reason that they want to win the case?

Yes.

Well, find it.

The family's close to the mayor,

and I'm catching heat from the higher-ups.

I'm gonna ask you again.

Do you need any resources or personnel?

No, sir, I've got it.

Okay.

Dismissed!

Sergeant Jeffords, my office.

Uh-oh.

He probably wants to talk to you

about how your shirts aren't tight enough probably.

Okay, how can we help? What do you need?

I need nothing.

I'm about to solve this case, meet the mayor,

and sell my life rights to Channing Tatum

so he can play my less attractive brother

in the ensuing film.

- Come on, Peralta, - Holt said to use the whole team.

We all want this solved.

I appreciate the offer, but I work best alone...

Except when it comes to sex.

Actually, sometimes including sex.

Will you just let us help?

Okay, fine.

I will let one of you help me... Charles.

Yeah!

And I am choosing Charles because he's the least likely

to steal my thunder.

I would never steal his thunder.

I-I'd be afraid to borrow it.

Terry, I'd like you to accompany me to a gun range.

You mean drive you there and wait outside...

Far away from the guns.

I spent eight years in the public affairs office,

so my tactical skills are a little rusty.

I need some pointers.

Sir, I haven't fired a weapon since the incident.

The mannequin incident... I'm familiar.

Actually, there was an incident after that.

Another incident?

You got to cool it, man.

I'm gonna get some candy.

Sir, I may not be the man for the job.

You used to be the precinct's champion marksman.

I only want to take pointers from the best.

So I'll keep it low-key.

We'll go after work to a private range.

No cops, no pressure.

Blam! Blam, blam!

Gun range.

I told Gina she could join us. I want to get certified.

There has been a ton of crime in my neighborhood,

and the cops in my precinct are very bad.

You live in our precinct.

Yeah, I know.

I know we've gone over this before,

but I have to ask you again.

Is there anywhere you can think of in that hallway

where a knife could be hidden?

Well, since I've already told you, like, three times, no,

why don't I just record it?

Then I don't have to say it again.

The hallway, like all other hallways,

does not have a secret knife-hiding place.

All right, you want to hear it again?

Idea for a novel...

A mild-mannered doorman gets bitten on the penis

by a radioactive spider

and becomes the world's greatest lover.

No, don't stop it. I want to hear what happens.

This is terrific.

He saves the first lady, if you must know.

Sounds compelling.

Oh, boy.

Well, hello.

I heard you guys were making the rounds again.

All right.

- This one's all you, tiger. - Come on!

Police!

Hey, ma'am.

Thank God! Here, hold this.

The lasagna's burning. Okay.

Get the dog, but don't let it touch the baby!

Oh. Okay. Peralta.

Yo, I looked at the photos of your victim on your desk.

Is that Rosa? Tell her I said hi.

The puncture wounds are similar

to a case I had a while back.

They aren't from a knife.

I think it's something spiral, like a corkscrew.

Shh, shh, shh, shh.

Don't shush me. I'm helping you.

No, no, I'm holding a baby.

That was actually very helpful, thank you.

Uh-oh. You better get back here. Now.

Oh! Hello, Peralta.

No, no, no!

I don't know why you're so upset, man.

I'm the one who had to come to this backwater stink hole.

What's up, little man?

What's up? Feeling sexy? Huh?

Yeah, I feel sexy.

Yeah, you look sexy, man. You know I do.

Watch out for that door.

Yo, how much you bench, seriously?

Captain, please, please, pretty please

do not let him take over my case.

Major crimes is stepping in. Nothing I can do.

You're off the case.

I can't believe you're just rolling over

and giving my murder away to the vulture.

We call him the vulture because he swoops in

and solves cases that are almost solved

and takes the credit for himself.

Yes, Boyle, I put that together from context.

First of all, major crimes has jurisdiction

over any and all cases they want to take.

But more importantly,

you're the one who insisted on working alone.

I told you for weeks to use the squad,

and you refused.

I used them.

I mean, Rosa's the one who figured out the corkscrew.

And Charles caught a dog.

Oh, congratulations, Detective Boyle.

You should've involved him sooner.

Turn over your files to Detective Pembroke.

Sir, call him the vulture.

Giving him a name makes him human.

Turn over the files.

Fine.

But in protest,

I'm walking over there extremely slowly.

Thank you.

God! This is so boring!

For both of us.

You know, before I solve this case,

I'd like to thank you for doing all the super-easy work,

you know, the real Nancy drew-level stuff.

Oh, yeah? Did Nancy drew solve a lot of murders?

Yeah, she did... Murder on ice,

recipe for murder.

Nancy was a wonderful Detective.

I wanted to be her when I grew up.