Babes

Look at you. Look at you.

Gorgeous.

115 minutes, four trains.

You're so lucky I fucking love you.

I am. But also, walking five blocks this pregnant?

It's equal. -Touche, bitch!

Woo! We're doing it.

Hi. Do you have any tickets available for the 9 a.m.?

Yeah, yeah, they all are. It's Thanksgiving at 9 a.m..

Okay, well, we'll take two then,

but you can keep the attitude in the booth.

It's a ritual, man.

We've seen a movie every Thanksgiving for 27 years.

Traditions of this caliber don't come by--

Okay, Eden? Can we just get the tickets so we can sit down?

My back hurts.

You fucked up her back.

You did not fuck up my back, baby did that.

So I had a crazy night last night.

I'm drinking a hot toddy.

I clocked this other bitch drinking a hot toddy.

Oh, ew, wait a minute. My seat is wet.

Ew. Yuck! -What? Yuck.

So gross.

So I see she's drinking a hot toddy. You know, like your classic.

So we strike up a conversation or whatever.

It turns-- -Ew!

This seat is wet, too. -No.

-Yes. -Gross. -Yuck.

Ew. Okay.

Turns out she's a retired nurse.

And I was like, "What's the most gruesome death you've ever seen?"

Oh that's a good follow up.

-And she's like-- -Fuck, no.

-What? -This seat is wet too.

Why does this theater have so many wet ass seats.

Okay. Is it you, maybe?

Are you possibly the wet factor?

None of my seats have been wet.

-I mean, maybe it could be me, but I'm not due for another two weeks.

Can you check? -Sure.

Let's see.

All right. Nothing...

-Cool. -Nothing...

A drop.

Another drop.

Okay. All right.

Are you pissing, perchance? -I don't think I'm pissing.

You know, in the movies, it's like this 'whoosh'!

But this is just a light pussy drizzle.

Pussy drizzle, okay. You know what?

I'm gonna call Doctor Morris.

Two. Emergency.

Morris. Okay, it's ringing now.

Doctor Morris, it's dawn.

Okay. Trickling is accelerating.

It's like, one and a drop and a one and a drop...

I just need to know if my water broke or if it's just droplets.

It's a... -One and a drop. -It's a one and a drop.

There's more of a swing to it: And a one and a drop...

-It's a one and a drop and a one and a drop.

With more of a swing to it. -Okay it's getting faster. It's triplets now.

Okay. Thank you I got it.

-And d-d-drop, drop-drop-drop-drop.

-Thank you, Bobby McFerrin. Yeah.

Okay. Thanks.

So I'm definitely in labor.

Oh my God.

What should we do? Should I-- Should I hug you?

-No, please don't touch me. -Okay.

-He said I've got to go to the hospital.

But when I went in with Tommy,

It... It was 25 hours until he was born.

25 hours of labor, and I couldn't eat any food.

They just gave me ice chips. -Okay, what if we bag the movie?

It still counts, our streak lives, for a last supper of sorts.

I love that.

Oh, yes.

Okay. That's it.

I would say let me know if you need anything else,

but this is literally all the foods we have.

So... - Don't go far, though. We might need seconds.

Okay, no problem. And-- Oh, I'm sorry.

It looks like you had a little spill there.

-Oh, no no no. That's just some drippage.

I'm in labor.

Congratulations to me.

-In the movies, it's like this monsoon whoosh.

Mh-hm. -But in real life, it can be trickles.

The water will keep coming. Don't worry about cleaning it up.

-Uh, okay. No, I definitely will need to tell my boss that just 'cause...

it's fluids and there's people eating. Who knows what's in the fluid.

I don't think this is gonna end well.

What are you? The Gordon Ramsay of my pussy?

Get out of here.

Why do you hate women?

I-- no-- -I need more chocolate mousse.

I will get that, I just-- -Thank you, bye.

I wonder what off-Broadway play he's in.

It's like he's never seen a pregnant person before.

Honestly, you're digging the vibe up here?

Don't you miss that Dominican diner? Compared to this place?

Feels a little Stepford.

I don't know, man. Astoria misses you.

It's calling you. It's like Don, Don. Where's Don?

Are you good, dude?

I need you to check my shit.

- Oh, my God, you're in labor. I forgot.

Okay. Move the panties, please.

Yeah get in there.

I don't know the medical term for this, but...

-Yeah? -Your pussy is opened way the fuck up.

How many centimeters would way the fuck up be?

Your vagina looks like it's yawning. Like.

Oh my God, call an Uber.

I thought I had more time.

Fuck, I'm still hungry.

Okay, take your time.

It just comes in waves.

-Aren't women amazing? Birth, miracle.

Enjoy your risotto.

Eden, was that loud? -Mm-mm. -Are you sure?

-Miraculous. -I feel like everyone's looking at me.

- No, no no no, everyone's in awe.

Thank you.

-Yeah. -Eden, tip him well.

-Will do. -Do you want some water?

Yes. I need a sip of water.

This is amazing. The elegance.

I don't need the water.

Help me! Help me!

Where's the door? Get the door, open the door!

And that's New York, baby!

Yes! Got it! Got it!

All right. There you go.

Thank you so much. Thank you. -This is good, this is good.

This is good. We're almost there. Almost there.

Almost there.

Oh, you're so good. You are doing it. You're almost there.

Fuck no, this is not good! Get me up, get me up.

And now we're standing up. Standing up.

Good, good, good. Okay.

You're doing so good, honey.

Standing up is no good, standing up-- Oh, no. It hurts when I stand!

Let me get on the floor.

-You don't want to do that. -Yes she does! -Shut up!

Okay, just do your thing.

You're doing so good, what you're doing.

It's so gross.

Okay.

Eyes on your own paper. Scram!

Okay. We're taking it for you.

It is so hot, it is so hot!

Alright, okay.

Here we go.

I don't want to give birth in the lobby.

I don't want this to be my journey.

You never seen a bad bitch crawl?

And... Just gonna get the elevator.

-Ignore me. Sorry to be in your way.

Here we go.

Okay.

Woo! Here we go!

I need to go to the fourth floor.

Fourth floor, please. Thank you so much.

Congratulations. -Thank you.

-She's gonna have your freckles. Oh my--

I am so proud of you. -Don't touch me.

Okay.

Hold my hand.

-You got it. -Great Dawn, you're doing great.

-You got this. -I'm dynamic.

You're dynamic. Tell her she's dynamic.

Oh, you are so strong.

Do you smell that? There's a terrible smell happening.

That's a good smell.

We can't possibly be smelling the same thing.

-Oh my God. Oh my God, I feel like I have to shit.

Great. Follow it.

Just keep going. We're almost crowning.

This is what it's all about.

Crowning's one of the most beautiful things you will ever see.

Push! Come on, push!

And we're crowning.

That's my daughter's forehead.

Oh my God, is it that bad? Why does she look like that?

Did I just shit on my baby?

No. It's more like you babied on your shit.

Be right back.

I am shocked by how disgusted you were.

I mean, we literally send pictures of our poopies to each other to name.

I was shocked as well.

But I missed Tommy's birth so I was not going to miss this one.

But if you guys have a third, I might have to skip.

I think it's far more disturbing you guys text each other every dump.

We do not text ever-y dump, okay?

But Dawn is integral to all my dumps.

-Aw. -Ever since you guys left Astoria,

instead of reading on the toilet,

I just look at Dawn's share-location-dot bop around the Upper West Side.