Exes

Okay, okay.

This is federal agent A, unit Eco.

I need a rescue.

I'm getting chased, they got drones, they got numbers.

Ah, fuck.

Come on, come on. Agh!

Aghhhh...

Who are you? What do you want?

Whiskey 12, what is your position? Over.

Elsa bravo, on final approach, waiting and ready.

Target identified, you are go for intercept.

Full copies. Got my target 60 seconds.

All hands, zone is hot. I repeat, zone is hot.

Roger, zone is weapons-free.

Don't worry, we'll bring these assholes home.

(dramatic upbeat music continues)

You wanna know about Megan Kimber?

Special Agent Ass Lips Jake.

Yeah, yeah, of course, whatever the Bureau needs.

Fuck the Bureau.

I ain't giving you meat whistles, nothing.

Well, let's see, she's crazy, for starters.

He is a Nancy. I will give you that.

Reckless manic.

Straight edge panty dryer that can't cop for shit.

Completely unhinged.

And as a husband?

A wife?

I've had dry anal I enjoyed more.

Do you ever get soap

right in the tippy top of your pee hole?

Feels a lot like that.

Did you know there's a wrong way to load the dishwasher?

She was like living with a rabid animal.

And a right way to fold laundry.

Stop trying to fix my problems and just listen.

He used to clean the whole goddamn house

before the cleaning lady came over.

She binged all of our shows without me.

If I hadn't left that ass bag

She demon.

I was gonna take my SIG.

Press it against her silly little face.

Up his smug little pee hole.

And just

bang! - Bang!

[Senior Investigator Gary] Enough!

Focus on incident.

Here's the deal, detainees.

These here chats, these off off the books kind,

they tend to get a little messy,

so I'll spell it out.

Oh, good, that way Megan can't follow. Smart.

I love this country, capital goddamn hell.

We're talking rail lines of freedom.

Jerk it to the "Star-Spangled Banner."

Ejaculate red, white, and fucking blue. Love it.

So when I have to share the same mouth-breathed air

with a pair of filthy commies spreading partner as well,

it just makes my trigger finger yearn for justice.

Ex, it's just you, partner, Meg is my ex,

as in former past, no longer affiliated with.

Or banging.

Not even with my worst enemies peeing.

'Cause I dumped him.

Right.

For a way better model.

A better? I dumped you.

I dumped her.

Several better models.

And you know why?

Men and women.

Because this soul-sucking erection eradicator

ruined my career.

Fucking, fuck.

Thank Christ.

That hillbilly was 10,000 volts

of good old court-sanctioned pain and compliance

and it only gets worse from there,

so the two of you should have swallowed loads

and start cooperating 'cause here, within these walls,

there's two options: Work together or die alone.

Personally, I prefer you pick the latter,

but hey, not my call.

No? Then whose is it?

Yeah, Gar Bear, someone got you turning tricks?

Handsome guy like him must be real popular.

Mm, I'd be down.

Only be weird if you weren't.

You itching for another shot?

You itching for me to turn your face into a crime scene?

Like God did hers.

Keep them jokes up, pretty boy.

I'll dirt nap you too.

What language is that, Walmart?

This cleanup in aisle five beating

I'm gonna give your face sure is.

Oh, fuck it.

Let's try this again.

My throat. Can I get some water first?

It'll help with the dryness from all the shocking.

(Senior Investigator Gary gulping)

It all started with my latest op.

As the FBI's top agent,

naturally, I get all the world's most dangerous assignments.

Secure WMDs, rescue damsels,

you know, save the planet type stuff.

Lucky for America,

and democracy as a whole,

I'm the man for the job.

Hello, Langley.

Agent Reid, you're alive.

That's right, ladies,

so if you have any birth control,

you might wanna take it now. (Chuckling)

Nope. No way, stop.

- What? - Don't want me,

fucking belayed that story.

Why?

Because this ain't no

fucking fertilizer convention, that's why.

Go pedal your shit somewhere else.

That's exactly how it happened.

A tux?

I'm fashionably sensible.

Muscles flexing, hair blowing in the wind.

I have thick luscious locks.

Yeah, so does my downstairs.

Don't make any of that nonsense true.

Bitch boy baby blue.

Ugly, loads of ugly.

That's what he was wearing.

This is Agent Ass Lips.

I need help, so much help.

Jesus, pull yourself together.

I can't. I'm scared.

Because I'm a huge whiny bitch.

Oh, god.

What is it? What happened?

I peed my pants, oh.

Quit your talking.

Next time I won't let go until one of you guys is fire.

Intel retrieval.

Jake.

It was our assignment.

Locate a notorious hacker, copy his hard drive,

bring the sensitive data back to Langley.

You're fucking serious?

It seems the world's most dangerous agent

would garner a bigger assignment.

Top agent.

Most dangerous assignment, and oh, buddy, was it ever.

They're just gonna body bag us the second you're done.