Intelligence

We have Jerry Bernstein

from the NSA arriving shortly.

So great to finally meet you.

What was your name again? Joseph Harries.

Right. John, do you mind me asking?

Do you have dwarfism in your family?

Get me a full background check on Jerry Bernstein.

I need to see his file.

Someone's actually trying to access your file right now.

Were you disgraced at the NSA and forced to take the position here?

No.

Motherf...

You have no idea how lucky you are to have me.

Literally, this is the best thing that ever happened to me.

I think we could learn a lot from each other, especially from me.

Did you vote for Brexit? I don't know. Who is that?

You want to explain to everyone how you slept with my wife?

Is that why you think I'm here?

The NSA called your case back into review.

I'm here to take you home.

What it looks like is you're staging a wedding

in order to avoid immediate extradition to the United States,

where you're highly likely to face charges of treason.

It seems like there are now concerns there may be a mole here at GCHQ.

The f... Huh!

System overload.

System overload. System overload.

System overload. System overload.

Oh!

No. Understood.

You too.

Fucking hell!

Have Little Mix split up?

Mum?

I can't remember the exact numbers,

but there must have been at least 20, maybe 30 in wheelchairs.

And over 100 dead.

Is this the massacre in Kuala Lumpur?

No. This was my school reunion.

All of you, boardroom, now.

Plus, you know, the statistics speak for themselves.

Nearly all terrorists reoffend.

Suicide bombers rarely reoffend.

Yeah, but the point is,

who here can name me a single white terrorist.

The Unabomber?

Oh, I didn't know he was single.

Yeah, he's even got his own Netflix show.

OK, I'll keep things brief and to the point.

I heard one minute ago we currently have a code red situation

here at GCHQ.

Oh, no. Are the toilets now working again?

A presently unknown terrorist group

has harnessed cyber weapon Eternal Blue

and is using it to bring down Hinkley Point nuclear site.

Oh, shitting tits! Quite.

In half an hour we could be looking at another Chernobyl.

I just couldn't get through the first series, to be honest.

I wouldn't normally say this out loud,

but given the circumstances, do you mind shutting the fuck up?

Sure.

What's Eternal Blue? Jerry.

Right.

So for those of you who don't know, Eternal Blue is a cyber weapon

designed by the NSA that allows malware to spread quicker.

I headed up the team that developed it.

Of course, the NSA still deny the weapon even exists.

Right.

May have developed it.

How long do we have?

An irreversible and catastrophic meltdown could begin

in as little as 28 minutes.

I'm not an expert on all this and I'm well aware

that you told me to shut the fuck up earlier,

but have they tried switching it off and on again?

A nuclear reactor? Yeah.

No.

All we can do now is put obstacles in place

to try to slow the system failure.

Hang on, wait a second.

OK, so during the test phase of Eternal Blue,

we built in a manual override.

A coded way that would allow us to regain full and complete control

should the weapon ever fall into the wrong hands.

How are you only remembering this now?

I don't know. Sometimes my brain's extraordinary like that.

Get to the point.

The point is, it's temperamental.

One wrong move and it can only make things worse.

Can you or can you not override Eternal Blue?

I can, but it's password protected.

What's the password? That is a great question.

I think it's something sweet, like 'doughnut' or 'Ding Dong'.

Jesus. Hey, give me a break.

It was more than five years ago.

Do you remember everything you were doing in 2016?

Well, if I wasn't here, I was probably campaigning for Brexit.

Look, if you could just give me one hour,

I'm sure I can remember the password.

In one hour, half of the south-west of England

will either be on fire or have cancer.

I had a friend who died like that. Cheesecake!

Rum baba? No! It is too risky.

The primary objective has to be to slow the system failure

at Hinkley Point - stick to the protocol.

Yeah, but if I could just remember the password...

And run the risk of destabilising

the four remaining reactors when you get it wrong?

No, thanks.

Look, Christine, you and I were always going to have

a different approach, right?

We're like the Williams sisters. Yes.

Yes, but when the Williams sisters play tennis,

half a million lives aren't at stake.

I don't know. When was the last time you saw them play?

Tuva, you're on rootkit analysis. Mary, you're on the ciphertext.

The rest of you, you know the drill. Wait, is this a drill?

Don't even start. That's an order.

We have 25 minutes.

Spotted dick?

No, that cleared up.

System overload. System overload.

System overload.

Did I miss any call...?

Evelyn!

Did I miss any calls?

Ah, yeah.

I can't remember her name.

I think she said she was a secretary or something.

The Secretary of State?

That was it.

She said we need to prepare two versions of the press release,

just in case.

Mother of God.

How bad is it?

This could result in the biggest loss of civilian life on UK soil

since World War II.

Maybe we should get a takeaway tonight.

Start typing.

At 10:15 this morning, we intercepted a potential cyber threat

to the digital system in place at Hinkley Point.

No, it's just saying 'file not found'.

Joseph, get in here!

Yeah, two seconds, Jerry.

How are you getting on? It's really bad.

Oh, no!

Everywhere's booked up.

What do you mean?

I'm trying to get a table for me and dad and Lumiere's this weekend

but there's literally nothing.

Is that all you've done? Oh, no, no, no.

I've tried Paparrito's, Grill 49 and the Coconut Tree

but it's the same everywhere.

Joseph! Yes, Jerry.

Rootkit analysis on the second core reactor.

Oh, God, it's endless, isn't it?

Sorry. You right? OK.

I need your help here.

If I were to say 2016 to you,

what is the first thing that comes to mind?

Alan Rickman's death.

I have no idea who that is.

He was the guy behind the Nakatomi Plaza Attack in 1998.

OK, look, I just need a way of trying to remember

what password I might have chosen back then.

I mean, it might sound crazy,

but have you tried regressive hypnotherapy?

No, that's too long.

It would have been a maximum of 10 characters.

OK, you know what?

Let's just quickly just throw some ideas at me.

See if it triggers anything. Um...

Were there any special occasions that year?

Um, no. Oh, actually, there was my 50th.

And as a gift, Melissa got Botox.

For you? No, for her.

Oh. Was it a nice?

Not really. It was like kissing a haemorrhoid.

What about a pet name?

You know what, back then we actually had several.

There was Flaps. Yeah.

Mr Mistoffelees. Yeah.

Whiskers. And these were for pets?

No, those were for Melissa.

Two seconds. Hey!

Are you kidding?

How's Bude?

Yeah. Why did you bring in for lunch?

No, I just got in a couple of Scotch pancakes,

a small carton of orange juice and some Pom-Bears.

I'll probably just have them as a snack.

Yeah. Yeah.

Sorry, I'll just go somewhere a tiny bit quieter.

It's so nice to hear from you again.

Fran, quick question.

Obviously, if age wasn't an issue...

..have you ever fancied children?

Oh, gosh, no.

I don't think that's allowed.

What? Oh, no.