American Housewife

Yes!

I got the highest score in the class

so I get to pick the movie for "Feature Friday."

Congratulations, Sweetheart.

You studied so hard for that vocabulary test

and it paid off.

Franklin, we'll need to brainstorm

movie options during recess.

Okay, but the only movie I've ever seen is "Soapdish."

Uch. Tara, Sage, Jennifer, and Holly.

It's like if The Beatles were made up entirely of Yokos.

Look at what she's wearing.

She's not even wearing a bra.

Who cares if I'm not wearing a...

I'll have you plant-based idiots know

that I am wearing a bra today.

This is just as high as they go now.

It's brave of you to share something so sad,

but we weren't talking about you.

Who else would you be insulting if not me?

Her.

How does she have wind blowing gently through her hair?

We're in an enclosed space.

Who cares about her hair?

Check out all that... cleave.

Yowza.

Who is she?

Harper the home wrecker.

She's Insignia Vaillancourt's new step-mom.

Not a name. That's not a name.

She busted up Claude and Michelle's marriage

and now she's prancing around Westport

smiling at people,

volunteering at the animal shelter.

It's disgusting.

There's finally someone they hate more than me.

Harper obviously married for money.

- Mm-hmm. - Yeah.

But you sure didn't.

Okay, maybe she's just someone they hate as much as me.

I love seeing the Westport moms freak out about Harper.

Nothing scares those be-yatches

like a trophy wife blowing into town.

They think their husbands will trade them in

- for a younger model, too. - That is so sad.

It is funny.

Oh, d-did you say sad?

Since I moved to this town,

these women have dedicated their lives to judging me

and making me feel like an outcast.

They make fun of your clothes, your hair, your makeup,

the sound of your pleather wallet

sliding out of your pleather bag.

Sicking Harper on them is my chance for a little payback.

Mm-hmm. Make them feel like they make you feel.

You two aren't worried about Greg or Richard

getting any ideas about trading you in?

Greg would never cheat on me.

Fool loves me too much.

And Richard has a healthy fear of diseases.

Mm. Oh, thank God for those herpes commercials

during "NCIS."

Ohh, hey, look.

Let's start messing with them right now.

Ask me how I look so young for my age.

Ask me loudly.

Angela, you look so young for your age.

What's your secret?

Oh, you wouldn't believe me.

Baby pee.

An infant's urine is better than BOTOX.

I mean, that's just science.

Science? Isn't that what doctors use?

Sure is. Just take a wet diaper

and rub it all over your face

twice a night, five to ten minutes.

I mean, for a fifty-five year old woman

you look fantastic!

Do you think that they're going for it?

Just to be sure...

Oh, my... You're sixty-five?!

Ow!

Grandma took her Geritol.

I have to pick the perfect movie for "Feature Friday."

Okay, so which one of these movies

do you think most represents me...

"Matilda," "The Sound of Music"...

Ooo, "The Sound of Music."

I once had a layover in Miami with Christopher Plummer.

Mm.

He made my hills come alive.

That one's coming off the list.

Did you ever notice your mom makes everything about herself?

No, Greg. I've never met my mom.

Well, I've had enough. She's living here now,

she needs to take an interest in our lives.

She knows your name and where we keep the vermouth.

That's as interested as she gets.

- Where are you going? - There's a new mom at school

and I'm going to go welcome her

and encourage her to get involved.

- Oh, that's nice of you. - Uh-huh.

What's your ulterior motive?

- Revenge. - Oh, the usual.

Will you guys help me get Grandma

to stop thinking about herself for one minute

and ask a question about one of us?

Sure, and while we're at it,

we can get her to stop telling us

all the old-timey celebrities she mile-highed with.

That would never happen.

I was being sarcastic.

Well, stop it. It's confusing.

Come on, guys, we can do this. Teamwork.

Gooooooooo...!

I'll-get-you-guys-iTunes- gift-cards-if-you-help-meeee...!

Gooooo Ottos!

Hi. I'm Katie Otto.

My daughter Anna-Kat is in the same class

as your stepdaughter...

Em... blem?

- Oh, Insignia. - Mm.

Emblem isn't a name.

Of course, I feel so silly.

I made you some cookies.

Aw, that is so sweet.

No one's really reached out to me

since I moved here.

They just look at me and whisper.

Harper, I don't just have cookies.

I have advice.

I was iced out by the Westport moms

when we first moved here too,

but then I threw a fantastic Spring Gala

and now everyone loves me.

So, what should I do?

You need to put your stamp on the school

with a high-profile volunteer gig.

- Do you work? - You're funny.

I like that.

And you need to get to know all the moms.

And dads, too.

- I love that idea. - Mm-hmm.

I always say, "Volunteering is our soul's way

of animating gratitude for our blessings."

Monogram is so lucky to have you as a step-mom.

- Insignia. - Her, too.

Oof. I had a day you would not believe.

You know what I can't believe?

How good I look in these jeans.

Am I right?

Hey, Grandma, quick question.

For my tattoo... do I go full-sleeve

or just a treasure map on my back?

A tattoo?

I'll show you a tattoo.

I got this in Dublin.

It's a rainbow with a pot of gold at the end.

I don't see a pot of gold.

Oh, well, that part's hidden.

Shhhh.

Shhh!

Hey, Katie.

Holly. Jennifer, Sage... Darth Vegan.

Man, what smells like...

Baby pee! They're doing it!

These idiots are doing it!

You all look so great!

You really must be pampering yourselves.

I gotta remember to tell that to Doris and Angela.

Good morning. This is Harper

and she's volunteered to be room mom

for Mr. Lombardo's class.

Oh, the room mom has to have a ton of interaction

with us parents so I think we need someone

who knows their way around more.

But thanks!

That's why Harper wanted the job.

To get to know the parents better.

I think it's a capital idea.

Aww, thanks, Principal Ablin.

She knows my name.

And thank you, Katie.

I never would have volunteered for room mom

if it wasn't for your guidance.

I can't wait to spend a lot of time

with all you amazing moms.

And your husbands!

After careful consideration,

I have chosen my movie for "Feature Friday."

Franklin, the envelope, please?

This is a clipboard.

I told you to grab an envelope.

My mom said I can't use envelopes anymore.

I like the taste of the glue too much.

Oh, Franklin.

If you didn't have those Ed Sheeran good looks.

And the winner is...

Please be "Soapdish." Please be "Soapdish."

Please be "Soapdish."