Neal Brennan: Crazy Good

So if you're watching this 'cause you saw my other Netflix specials

and I talked about having depression

and you wanted to support a fellow traveler,

I have some terrible news.

- I feel pretty great. -

It's hard to know how to start these specials,

so I've been trying to incorporate AI.

So... So every day, I go on that ChatGPT

and I type in, "opening line for a comedy show."

Anyhow, tonight's opening line is...

"Good evening, pussies."

Isn't that weird?

That's a trillion dollars in deep learning.

It's every book ever published, every speech. That's what they gave me.

I was like, "Are you sure?" "Say it, pussy." I was like, "Okay."

So what kind of people are you? Are you crypto people?

Yeah, I'm sitting crypto out, and maybe I'm blowing it.

People go, "Where are you putting your money?" The bank. Shut up.

I've just... I've never rooted against a currency before, you know what I mean?

I've never been like, "Fuck pesos!" I don't...

My issue with crypto is everyone who told me about crypto

had never spoken about finances before, ever.

It's like, "Weren't you a DJ three weeks ago?"

"Why are you telling me?"

I was talking to my buddy. He's like, "Bro, you'll make sick returns."

I was like, "Never speak to me this way about money."

Social media makes everybody think they have to be cool.

Certain people, I don't want cool.

I don't want a cool finance guy,

I don't want a cool lawyer, I don't want a cool doctor.

I don't want my doctor to be like, "Bro, I saw your X-rays."

"They were so sketch."

- Like, I don't want... -

I have important things in my life. You know who I want in charge of 'em?

Dorks. Here's who I want in charge of my important things.

Oily skin, bad clothing, no eye contact.

Just a touch of Asperger's. Just a touch.

Salt Bae, but it's Asperger's.

But I get why... why guys fell for crypto.

And let's be clear, it was all guys.

Women don't take financial risks, women take emotional risks.

Women will be like, "No, I didn't invest in Bitcoin, but I am dating a drummer."

"He's basically separated."

Yeah, the guys fell for crypto on social media,

'cause there are these dudes on the guys' algorithm,

uh, that are like hustle-preneurs.

They're all about grinding and hustling, and they're, like, personal trainers.

I call 'em "the clappers" 'cause they start all their posts like this.

- 'Sup, guys? -

Hey, if you're under 30, I just have to let you know,

no one's ever clapped and said anything great

in the history of the Earth.

JFK wasn't like...

"Ask not what your country can do for you."

Martin Luther King wasn't like... "I had a dream, my guy."

- "Please like and subscribe." -

"To hear more about my dreams, support my Patreon."

I was following one of these clapper dudes, right?

I was hate-following. It doesn't make a difference, but, uh...

They all think they're like werewolves.

They're like, "I guess I'm just built different."

- Um... -

They always have, like, this special system

that doesn't even make sense,

where they'll be like, "See, I got a millionaire mindset."

"I'll let you in on something I'm doing. I just bought five used cars."

"I'm gassing them up myself, leasing them out to Uber drivers..."

"I can't lose money on this."

Then of course gas prices skyrocket.

Next time I see the guy, he's making a video from the gas station,

"This system sucks."

Yeah, dumbass, 'cause ExxonMobil been on that...

millionaire mindset...

...since 1881.

So that's... that's guys' social media.

And then women's social media, it's just a lot of beautiful underdogs...

...that's a part of something very dramatic.

The entire world's against them.

They'll be like, "When I began my journey..."

They're all on journeys. All of them are on journeys.

They're like, "When I began my journey,

no one believed in me."

That's what these girls don't understand. It's not that no one believes in you.

No one gives a shit about anything anyone is doing but themselves.

No one's thinking about you, no one's going to bed at night like,

"You know who'll never open a business? That bitch Jessica. Goodnight."

- -

Yeah.

I'm on social media a lot, unfortunately.

And I was dating a model.

I was fo... I was following a model. And, uh...

Models love trying to normalize themselves.

They're like, "I know what it's like to be a regular person,

'cause I went through an awkward phase in grade school."

So condescending. "I know what it's like to be a regular person."

"I went through an awkward phase..."

That'd be like me going up to an amputee and being like,

"I know what you're going through, pal, 'cause my foot falls asleep sometimes."

"So I get it. Same-same, same-same, same-same."

Yeah, it's all very pseudo-spiritual.

A lot of talking about the ancestors.

"We need to pray to the ancestors."

"We need to ask the ancestors for guidance."

If you're Black, or Brown, or Indigenous, go ahead and pray to your ancestors.

White people, do not pray to your ancestors

under any circumstances.

All of my ancestors were toothless, Irish, illiterate alcoholic maniacs

from a very different time

who I cannot rely on for any guidance whatsoever.

I could say, "I'm having a hard time with my girlfriend. What do I do?"

Just be like, "Lock her in the shed!"

"Push her off a cliff and blame it on the wind."

"It works every time."

"Boy-o."

Yeah, they love talking about the ancestors

on the girls' algorithm.

And you know what word they love using?

- The T-word. - Ugh.

You know... Oh, she gets it.

You know what T-word I'm talking about.

Trauma...

Aaah...

I know you may be thinking, "Neal, it's hypocritical of you

to criticize women talking about trauma in public."

Yeah, good point.

But when I talk about trauma, it's different.

It's on Netflix, goddamn it.

Yeah, but again, some of these girls are full of shit. You know they are.

This can't all be trauma. Everything's trauma to them.

They'll be like, "I had so much trauma today at Starbucks."

"I was literally shaking."

Well, you're addicted to Adderall, so that checks out.

Also, ladies, if you can talk about it on social media,

probably not trauma! Just letting you know.

Trauma's a physical thing. Physical thing.

Not a vibe, a physical thing that happened to you

that's so jarring to your body and spirit that you don't know how to process it,

let alone post about it on social media with captions and music.

Like, a good example of trauma would be, uh...

World War II.

Our great-grandfathers fought in World War II, never mentioned it once.

They didn't come back and be like, "So I was just in Germany."

"It was not okay."

"I stormed the beaches at Normandy, I literally died."

"You guys, turns out, one of my triggers?"

"Triggers."

"Also, can I just say, kind of a controversial opinion,

but Hitler? Toxic."

It's surprising, 'cause I did not see the trauma flexing coming.

What's even more surprising to me

is that the culture of social media spread to people that aren't even on it.

I was talking to my buddy, he said, "You need to focus on gratitude."

I was like, "Goodbye."

Another buddy was like, "You need to check your entitlement."

I was like, "I'm gonna call you right back." You're blocked forever.

I'm not talking like this. I'm not doing this with my friends.

He goes, "That's what friends are for."

I was like, "No, that's what grandparents are for."

I was talking to somebody today, and she's like, "I think my kids are dumb,

'cause my husband's dumb."

I was like, "Now, this is a friendship right here."

You're not really friends with somebody unless you're both worried

that if your text messages went public, you'd both lose your jobs.

That is a friendship, and you cherish it

and you nurture it,

and you should encrypt it, probably.

By the way, don't get me wrong. I'm not one of those people who's like,

"This country's going to hell in a handbasket."

"Things used to be better."

No, a lot of stuff is better now than it was before.

My brothers and sisters, I'm the youngest of ten,

they would always bring up TV ratings

as like a barometer of how well the country was doing.

They'd be like, "You know, 50 million people used to watch Cheers

or M*A*S*H or All in the Family."

Yet the reason 50 million people watched All in the Family

is 'cause there was nothing else to do.

You'd either watch All In the Family or go stand in the yard.

- There was nothing you could do. -