M*A*S*H

I came as fast as I could, Margaret.

I doubleparked my martini.

I'm sorry to bother you,

but the colonel's not back from the 8063rd,

and there's a problem with one of his patients.

His blood pressure's 80 over 60,

and his abdomen is distended.

Well, how are you feeling, uh, Corporal Fisher?

My stomach's killing me, Doc. When did the pain start?

I'm not sure.

I was feeling fine. Just coughin' a little.

And all of a sudden my gut started hurting.

Corporal, we're gonna have to do some touchup surgery.

But you're in luck. We got a twoforone offer this week.

Type and cross match him. I already have.

Good. Okay, hang a unit. Right.

Hey, listen, Margaret. Good catch. Thanks.

What's this, a new coffee table?

Can't find his shower shoes.

You can borrow mine. Oh, thank you.

The halfway houses for wayward lice? Huh.

Here they are,

hidden under a pile of condemned underwear.

Charles, for underwear I always use a five iron.

It's always the same, isn't it?

You two animals just add to the rag heap

until revulsion overwhelms me,

and I am compelled to restore order.

And you do a bangup job of it, too.

It's not easy staying one mess ahead of you.

Pierce, you are beyond belief!

Hi, Colonel. What's the word from the 8063rd?

Pierce, I understand you had to do

some mopup work on Corporal Fisher.

Just had to play hideandseek with a little shrapnel.

I think he's gonna be fine.

I could have sworn I picked him clean.

Well, it wasn't easy to spot.

It was hidden under the liver.

I think it must have dislodged when he started coughing

and nicked the hepatic artery.

He could have died.

Hey, once in a while, we all miss a nail in the tire.

MAN (on P. A.): Attention!

The Chinese have begun a new offensive.

Command anticipates heavy casualties

within the next 24 hours. This is a recording.

Someday I'm gonna look back on this nightmare

and think of it all as just a bad dream.

I presume those are just gonna lay there

until I pick them up?

Or until they walk out on their own.

Well, I have had it up to here

and here and here!

Charles, admittedly, it's not a great system,

but at least it's a system.

Was! Was a system! Was a system!

I am hereby serving notice that from this time forward

I shall cease to be your chambermaid!

How's the stomach, Fisher?

A lot better, sir.

I'm sorry I wasn't here

when you needed me.

That's okay.

The nurses tell me Dr. Pierce saved my life.

He's the man I'd want to go to.

Yeah. I'd like to thank him.

Sure. I'll tell him to stop by.

You get some rest now.

Colonel, we have to make room for the new wounded.

I think we should transfer as many of these men

as possible to the 121st.

Well, let's have a looksee. Schwartz can go.

Chandler can go. McCormick, Washington.

And, uh, Corporal Logan over here is doing fine.

Thanks to Dr. Pierce.

We're sending you to the evac, Corporal.

What about Fisher? We're buddies.

Uh, I'm afraid we're gonna have to extend his reservation

another couple of days.

But we have the same wounds, don't we?

Yes, you do, but with Fisher,

we had to operate a second time.

Yeah, right. Okay, sir.

Ah! Just the sir I was looking for. What is it?

Captain Schnelker from Tech Intelligence is here.

He's got some priority poop.

You want me to round up our crack surgery team?

Yeah, and I'll be there too.

Last week, in their offensive north of the Han,

the Chinese started using something a little different.

White phosphorous rounds.

I always look forward to the fall

when the new line of weapons comes out.

Now, these rounds are burning when they hit the victim,

and they keep burning as long as they have oxygen.

Oh, that's just terrible. Better things

for better killing through chemistry.

Anyway, since we now have to deal with these hot tamales,

we've developed a procedure to put the fire out.

Don't the Chinese know these kids are too young to smoke?

The first step is to apply surgical jelly,

which ideally will be done at Battalion Aid.

Ideally, they shouldn't be using these boys

for kindling in the first place.

Would you people knock off the chatter?

I'm gonna be operating on men

who've been hit by this white phosphorous.

I'd like to know what I'm doing!

The record will show I haven't said a word.

I'm sorry, Colonel.

Once they come down from Battalion Aid...

Every month there's a new procedure we have to learn

because somebody's come up with

an even better way to mutilate the human body.

Tell me this, Captain.

How the hell am I supposed to keep up with it?

I'm only the If they can invent

better ways to kill each other,

why can't they invent a way to end this stupid war?

The gravy was better than usual tonight.

You could cut it with a fork.

Do you smell something, Hawk?

Yeah, and not the usual ambient stench.

Onions.

And sardines. Charles! Hiya.

I hate the taste of sardines,

and they taste better than they smell.

Well, I never consult you in matters of taste, because you have none.

You sliced onions with my Swiss Army knife?

Nah. A Swiss Army officer did it. Well, look who's here!

The mobile army head shrink! Hello, Sidney!

Greetings. Major. Hiya.

First time I've seen you in your summer uniform.

Oh, this is the real me. Sorry to hear that.

Sidney, to what do we owe the honor?

Well, you're getting a lot of wounded in,

and ICorps wants a report on how you guys handle stress.

I've always wanted to do a paper on that.

Well, you're welcome to bunk here with us at Chez Miserable.

Nice of you to ask.

You know, Hawkeye and me are just regular guys,

but Stanley Kowalski here means volumes.

Yeah. He eats sardines a cappella.

Oh, yeah. Care for a sardine, Sid?

No, thank you.

I've got to check in with Klinger.

Norwegian pilchard.

He "pilchard" my knife. Sliced onions with it.

Go ahead, doc. Tell him how sick that is.

I'd love to analyze you all,

but I've had no training in child psychiatry.

Ha ha ha.

Come in.

Hello, Sherman. Sidney.

I'm glad to see you. So glad, in fact,

I'm gonna do something I don't do for just anybody.

Shut off "Along the Santa Fe Trail."

I'm flattered.

Bump into anybody else yet?

Just Larry, Moe and Curly over in the Swamp.

What kind of a story did you tell 'em?

That I'm here to do a report on stress.

They bought it.

But why the Why the smoke screen?

Who's this topsecret patient you want me to see?

You're looking at him. You?

What it comes down to is...

I haven't been myself lately.

Uhhuh.

Today, a young fellow was here from T. I. D.

briefing us on a new kind of wound we'll be dealing with,

and I reared up and bit his head off

right in front of my own people.

Everybody flies off the handle once in a while.

Well, there's more, Sidney.

I bungled an operation. Yes?

I left a piece of shrapnel in a patient.

Pierce had to go back in and bail me out.

I'm sure you would have done the same for him.

That's the catch. I didn't have to.

He operated on a boy with the same wounds as mine had.

His came through with flying colors.

But I thought meatball surgery was fix 'em,

close 'em and holler "next."

Not exactly a flawless system.

Sidney, I never made that mistake before.

Hell, I know nobody's perfect.

But lately, I seem to be...

a lot less perfect than I can accept.

I think maybe I...

Maybe you what?

Maybe I just need some sleep.

Sounded like you were gonna say something else.

No, that was it.

I'm tired.

Besides, I feel much better just getting this off my chest.

Thanks, Sidney. Lucky I don't work by the hour.

I'd go broke.

I feel sorry dragging you all the way out here