All That Jazz

Okay, one more time from the top.

Six beats, all right?

One, two, three, four. One, two...

To be on the wire is life. The rest is waiting.

That's very theatrical, Joe.

- (JOE) Yeah, I know. - Did you make it up?

I wish I had.

- Do you like it? - Well, it's all right.

It's showtime, folks!

"Autumn." Is that your real name?

Yes, sir.

Sure you don't want to change that?

Well, if you give me the job, I'll change it.

"Victoria Porter."

Is this your, uh... your home phone?

You were in The Wiz?

I've never been in any show in my life.

I had to put something. I really need a job, so I lied.

That's all right. I lie all the time myself.

Oh, fuck him. He never picks me.

I did fuck him, and he never picks me either.

- You were in Traffic Jam? - Yes, sir.

Who was the director of Traffic Jam?

- You were, Mr. Gideon. - Oh. How was I?

- Terrific. - And who was the choreographer?

- You were, Mr. Gideon. - How was I?

- Fantastic. - That's how you get a job.

God! I hope he doesn't pick her.

She's uglier than a witch's tit.

The expression is "colder than a witch's tit."

How would you know? You've never seen a woman's tit.

Shh! Be quiet.

Okay. Thank you all very much. It was a terrific audition.

Just stay in line. (GROANS)

Now, that's what I call a real drinker's nose.

And you should know, because you're a real drinker, aren't you?

Yeah.

- Also heavy into speed, aren't you? - Yeah.

Also sleep with a great many women.

Real turn-off, huh?

Just the opposite.

I'll make up my mind about the men later, but I know which girls I want now...

Candy, Casey, Rima, Jennifer, and Victoria Porter.

- In the shocking pink leotard? - Yeah.

See if any are willing to be swing dancers.

- She's tone-deaf, Joey. - With those legs, who cares?

Joey, I know you're in a hurry.

- I just want to check your schedule. - Same as always.

Joey? Joey, can we talk a minute, please?

- Joey... - What is it?

- What about Diane? - You left me without a soprano again!

Paul, please, please, will you let me handle it?

- What about Diane? - What about Diane?

- I've had her in three shows. She's wonderful. - She's wonderful.

- He needs a soprano. - You left me without a soprano. I gotta have a soprano!

Gentlemen, Mr. Gideon will make up...

The tall dancer on stage right...

with the blue eye shadow... he'll hit the high notes.

Tovar, Narin-Smith...

The five Murray is talking to are the girls I want. Okay with you?

The tall girl, Victoria... I like her, Daddy.

Mm, she's all right.

Oh, I really screwed up that marriage.

Because I cheated. Oh, man, I cheated every chance I could get.

Okay with you, Audrey?

Sure, fine with me. What about this weekend with Michelle?

Oh, Jesus! I forgot. I gotta work this weekend.

Oh, Joe, you promised her!

I know I promised, but what am I gonna do?

That's okay.

- I'm sorry, Michelle. - That's okay.

If you want me, I'll be in the cutting room.

He promised me.

Some fucking father!

- Family? - (JOE) Screwed up.

- Work? - All there is.

If I were God, man...

- sometimes I think I am... - (AUDIENCE CHUCKLING)

Depends on the shit you're smoking.

Mm, okay.

If I were God, man...

everybody would live forever.

No death, man!

No pennies on the eyes for anybody.

Well, there are a couple people, like my agent, who booked me into this toilet.

Why is he mumbling like that?

I'll tell you why: 'Cause I'm the dummy who let him mumble like that.

- Right. - Shh! - death and the clap.

- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) - So far I've managed to avoid one of them.

You know, man, death is really a hip thing now.

But we all have very different feelings about it.

For instance, to a Catholic, death is a promotion.

- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) - Excuse me, Stacy.

Women.

Uh...

hope?

There's all this bullshit about death with dignity.

You know what death with dignity is? You don't drool.

Change-of-pace time. Request. Here we go.

Vic O'Dante. Hey!

Beauty?

- (CHUCKLES) You're a flirt. - Mm-hmm.

Ah, I love it, I love it, I love it.

Books, magazine articles, TV shows...

Ken and Barbie dolls who have a mutual suicide pact.

How many times do we have to look at the same thing?

Until he gets it the way he wants it.

There's a lady in Chicago, man, wrote a book...

Dr. Kubler-Ross, with a dash.

This chick, man...

without the benefit of dying herself...

has broken the process of death into five stages...

anger, denial, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.

Sounds like a Jewish law firm.

"Good morning. Anger, Denial, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance."

Anger.

"Jesus Christ!

Goddamn son-of-a-bitch pig-fucking bastards!

- Oh, poo!" - (MOCK SNORING)

Bargaining.

What did I say? Anger, denial, bargaining, depression, acceptance.

If you happen to get to denial...

denial... "No.

No, that's not me, man. No. Oh, ho-ho!

Somebody else, maybe, but not me. Oh, no.

You got the wrong... How about my mother, man?

She's old, I'm weaned, I'm toilet-trained. I don't need her anymore.

'Bye, Ma. You've been terrific. I love ya, but not me!"'

Mother.

Kind of chubby. And jolly.

And sexy.

- Bargaining! Remember her? - (AUDIENCE CHEERING)

"Can we sit down and talk about this like businessmen?

A negotiation, okay? No more hard drugs.

A little grass, maybe, but that's it.

Okay? Look, I promise I won't flash on subways anymore, okay?"

Cat drives a hard bargain.

Depression.

Hi, Katie.

"I'm dying!

Oh, God, am I dying!

Do you want to have dinner together before I go to the theater?

- I can't. - The doctor's not dying!

Should I come over to your apartment later?

- Yeah, sure. - (WOMAN) Father?

Liar, cheat, womanizer. You would've liked him.

Wait a minute. We may be working very late tonight.

- That's okay. - Yeah.

- (COUGHS) We'll talk later. - ...for this hospital room!

- (MOUTHS WORDS) - At those prices, man, who can afford to live?

So...

acceptance.

- "I accept..." - Hold it.

- Hold it, Irv. - You finished, or run it again?

No, I do not want to run it again, thank you. We are finished.

- Thank you, Irv. - Anybody have any ideas?

I like it, Joe. I think it's really funny.

Who asked you, Stacy?

It's too long. I don't know.

Maybe we can get away with it.

Do you suppose Stanley Kubrick ever gets depressed?

- (MAN) You want to work tonight, Joe? - (JOE) No. I wish I could...

but I gotta work on the show.