Louie

You know, I went to a doctor recently,

he told me to eat slower.

And I was like, why eat slower?

And he said because your body gets full,

but that message that your body's full

takes 20 minutes to travel from your stomach to your brain.

It takes 20 minutes before you know

that you've already been full for 20 minutes.

First of all, what a douche bag your body is

that it takes 20 minutes.

What's taking 20 minutes to get...

If I stub my toe, I know it immediately

and that's twice the distance.

What is this message doing that it's...

It, like, stops at my tit, "Hey, tit, what's up ?"

"Hanging out, what are you doing ?"

"I'm going to tell them that we're full."

"Get up there, you idiot.

We're gonna get huge if you don't tell 'em."

"Oh, well, excuse me, I guess... "

My asshole's like...

That's how my asshole talks.

I... I...

Oh, my God.

No, I'm gonna go, if you can.

Seriously.

What?

Hi, could you stop talking?

'Cause you're making it hard for me to do my job.

Oh, okay, sorry.

It's okay, just... you don't have to be sorry,

just please don't do it anymore, okay? Okay.

Okay, thank you.

Anyway.

Holy shit.

Um...

Always gets me a little...

Sorry.

I was on a plane the other day and people on planes...

You know when you're on a plane and you're on the Tarmac

and you haven't... but you can't get to the gate,

'cause there's a plane at your gate...

That's what happened to Mike the other day.

Excuse me?

No, my...

Well, my... My friend...

That happened to him, too.

I don't care.

Well, no, my friend Mike...

Hey, hey, hey, nobody cares about your friend Mike.

Nobody cares about your friend Mike.

Okay, okay. Nobody cares about your friend Mike.

Okay, whatever, it was funny.

What was funny? Unlike you.

I'm sorry?

I said "unlike you."

It was funny, unlike me?

Yes, yes, I did.

Can I ask you a question?

Go ahead.

What happened to the... the parade?

What parade?

The parade of stupid ( bleep ) you were a float in.

I'm just curious...

Okay, that's not even funny. It's not?

No. Okay... you sure?

All right.

No, you're offensive.

I'm offensive? Yes.

What do you mean?

You're making jokes about rape and that's offensive.

You don't like rape?

No.

You don't? No.

That's really weird because,

you know, that you wouldn't even exist

if your mom hadn't raped that homeless Chinese guy.

Oh, my God.

However many years ago you were born.

It's harder to come back from that. But I am sorry.

I don't... I didn't...

I didn't mean that.

Look, can you do me a favor?

What?

Can you please just die of AIDS?

Does anybody have AIDS who...

That could put their dick in her face

and get her started on that?

Anybody?

I could like... I could sue you.

What, you could sue me? Yeah.

You know who I would like to sue?

Everybody that works in the hospital

that you were born at, because...

I would like to sue them for not responsibly

pulling your head off the second...

Letting you live... was medical malpractice.

Can you just, like, move on?

No, I can't, I really can't,

'cause you're the worst thing that ever happened in America.

You're... seriously, it goes you...

slavery...

and then Pearl Harbor and 9/11 combined.

Those are the three.

And so, like, as an American,

I feel like it's my duty to make you feel poorly.

And your mother's a whore.

My mother's dead.

Your mother's dead? Yeah.

That's good.

It is, it is, you know why?

Because she can't make any more ( bleep ).

With her ( bleep ).

You did not just call me a "C"-word.

What's that?

Did you just call me a "C"-word?

No, I called you a ( bleep ).

Because you're a ( bleep )

and your mother is one and she had one.

You know what, the moment you were being born,

there was a guy walking by, and you know what he said?

He said, "Hey, look!

Some ( bleep ) coming out of some ( bleeps ) !"

Hey, man.

That woman was a nightmare in there.

The one who looked like the Fox News anchor? Yeah.

Oh, she will not stop.

The whole night, she's been yelling out and stuff?

She wasn't so aggressive at first,

but I think she's getting encouraged

and it's building now. Yeah, but, you know...

I'm joking.

That was totally uncalled for.

Actually, no, it wasn't.

Oh, I was participating.

I'm allowed to participate.

Then why were you the only one participating?

Just think about that for a second.

Why was it just you?

You know why, 'cause most people would never do that.

Most people are polite,

and they'd rather cut off their hand

than hurt a show by talking.

That's what... a good person wouldn't do that,

so you must be a bad person.

No, I'm not.

Yeah, I think you are.

No, I'm a good person.

Why?

Why do you think you're a good person?

I just am, I know I'm a good person

and you have no right to talk to me like that.

Actually, I do, that's the whole thing.

That's how that room works, I have a right to talk.

I'm actually paid to talk in there

and to say stuff and people laugh.

You're not supposed to say anything... it's a show.

Oh, my God, get over yourself.

I mean, people come to these shows and they talk,

that's what they do.

And it's your job to put up with it,

or learn how to deal with it at least.

I mean, why are you being such a baby?

Okay, look, let me ask you a question.

Do you like your life?

Yes, so?

No, I'm sure you do.

You're a student, you're happy, you have good days

and you have full and fun nights, right?

Yes, I'm not a loser like you.

Yeah, see, that's the whole point.

You have a good life and it's just the way you want it to be,

these guys, comedians, me,

these guys don't have a life.

This is all they have.

Their days are shit.

They don't have many friends, they don't have families.

They have this.

The only good part of their lives

is the 15 minutes that they get to be onstage,

maybe once a week, sometimes once a month.

And you took that 15 minutes, the one...

Just picture this, the one 15 minutes

that they would've had that they would have enjoyed,

maybe for a long time, and you ruined it.

You took that away from them.

I know you think it's cute, but it's not.

It's really...

It's a rotten thing to do.

And I don't know how you can think you're a good person

if you do things like that.

Honestly, I think you should be ashamed of yourself.

I really do.

You have no right to make me feel like that.

I did nothing tonight,

and you were just gross and insulting.

You're just one of those unattractive people who is just bitter against people like me.

That's right, that's right.

You're right.

That's what happened, that's exactly what happened.