American Housewife

All I do is bake, cut, jar, repeat.

I honestly can't remember my life before lasagna.

- It was us. - You're right.

I blacked it out.

You know, if you need a break,

my college is doing a walking tour

of the first Connecticut Post Office.

I could see if there's still tickets.

I guarantee you there's still tickets.

Trip's gonna be here in a couple minutes,

so just waffles to go.

Syrup on the side. I don't want them to get soggy.

Greg, did you hear that? She ordered waffles.

Huh. She didn't even want to hear the specials.

I just want breakfast to go. I don't see the big deal.

The big deal is you always think of yourself.

I'm working my ass off to help support this family.

Okay, okay. I didn't mean to trigger a mom rant.

Nobody mention paper straws.

Ugh! They're terrible!

They get all mushy and fall apart.

And what about milkshakes?

You can't even drink a milkshake anymore.

What are you doing?

- Making things worse. -

Hey babe, did you get your admissions letter yet?

No, but I hope it comes soon and I get accepted

so I can get out of this prison.

Taylor, come on.

Sorry. It's not a prison.

- Prisoners get breakfast. - Ugh.

Babe, if you do get in, you'll move away from me.

That letter could change everything.

Let's not worry about it until it happens.

You're right.

We will paint that bridge when we walk over it.

We'll paint it then. We'll paint it together.

Oliver, we're leaving.

If my admissions letter from Carnegie Mellon comes,

don't open it.

- You know, Trip is right. -

If she gets in, it is gonna change everything.

I know. The first year's tuition is $56,000.

We've talked about this.

You can't kill me so you can cash in my life insurance.

It's illegal, and you'll get caught.

Oh, I would not get caught.

I would not get caught.

04x13 - The Great Cookie Challenge

Kate!

Nice mustache, mid-puberty Justin Bieber.

I'll take it.

That dude's yoked now.

Mm. Greg's in his office.

- -

Lonnie, come on!

- - Oh!

What am I doing, wasting my time

writing a book about this social media half-wit

who contributes nothing of value to our society

or the world in general?

You're selling out so you can send your daughter to college.

Right.

Anna-Kat, you're gonna be late for school!

I'm missing health class. It's fine.

I don't need Ms. Shineburg to explain

why I'm starting to get B.O.

Hey, I need you to buy a hundred boxes

of Wildflower Girl cookies from me.

It's the last weekend to sell,

and I'm not even close to my goal.

Oh, sure.

What's that, $500? I don't have any cash.

Grab a handful of diamonds from the vault.

We're regular people, Anna-Kat.

We live month-to-month.

We can't just throw money at problems.

Fine. I guess I won't win the trip.

Wait. What trip?

The Wildflower Girl who sells the most cookies

gets an all-expense paid family trip to Hollywood.

I haven't been on a vacation since I gave birth to you.

Oh, two weeks of bed rest at a Kaiser, baby!

The vacation includes spa treatments,

tickets to a game-show taping,

and the hotel has a kids' club,

which means after we enjoy our complimentary breakfast,

you won't see me until our complimentary dinner.

Let's sell some cookies!

Got a little surprise for you.

Two tickets to the Winter Festival?

Aww! That's where we had our first date.

With you maybe going to college in a few months,

I thought it'd be fun to remember where it all started.

It's also where we had our first kiss.

And where we had our first funnel cake.

Okay, I have to come clean.

I'd had funnel cake before,

but I swear it meant nothing to me!

I can't believe that's the guy who called Teen Help Line

saying he wanted to off himself.

Yeah. It doesn't make any sense.

He's popular, he's lettered in three sports,

all the girls like him.

And a teacher actually resigned

because she fell in love with him.

How cool is that?

I just need to get him to open up,

but I can't just approach him,

because Teen Help Line is confidential.

I'm not even supposed to know who he is.

I have to get him to call back.

But how?

I have no idea.

Dude, I'm sorry. I'm hungry.

My blood shugie's muy low.

Obviously, Greg and I hope that she gets in,

but we just aren't sure how we're gonna pay for it.

Katie, I can't fix your poorness.

Okay?

And thinking about it is making it difficult for me to enjoy my frittata.

Why don't you give me something easier?

Like, what's with the little child of yours

and, um, her cake project?

- You mean Anna-Kat and the cookies? - Yes.

She's trying to sell enough boxes

to win a trip to Hollywood,

but it's hard to compete

when all the other girls buy their victories.

Ugh. All roads lead back to poorness.

So, if you can't outspend them, outthink them.

Dust off your marketing degree and sell some cookies.

Oh, we are.

We are going to hit up the grocery stores,

walk the neighborhoods...

Katie, that's how they sold cookies in the old days.

Make a video and hit social media like Lonnie does.

- Oooh, that's good. - Mm-hmm.

Hey, um, by the way,

is Lonnie single?

Doris.

I just saw that show "Mrs. Fletcher," and I got me some ideas.

Mnh-mnh, no.

You ready?

You know, sometimes I have a hard time

talking my problems through.

Maybe there's something on this bulletin board

that could help us.

Oooh, someone's selling Wimbledon tickets.

If you're really feeling sad,

you should call Teen Help Line.

It's anonymous,

and it's not some adult who doesn't get it.

It's teens talking to teens.

The best time to call is Tuesday between 5:00 and 10:00 p.m.

Hey, Jacob! Wait up!

Damn.

I don't know if he heard me.

If it makes you feel any better,

I'm going to Wimbledon!

When I shot my buddy Turd

in the nads with a paintball gun,

I got to one million followers.

But the real turning point, which got me to 35 mil,

was when I jumped off my garage dressed as a bird

and I broke both my ankles.

I was like, "Cawww!"

And then I was like, "Aaaaaah!"

Fascinating.

Do you ever think you could be doing something with your fame

to make a difference in the world?

What do you mean?

I mean, you have a platform

which reaches millions of young people.

You could have a real impact.

I think if we're gonna be writing a book about you,

we need to be saying something more substantial.

Maybe you're right. I'll give it some thought.

Hey, guys, if you like what you see,

remember to smash that like button.

- Lonnie, are you filming this? - Yeah.

It's my new video series called

"Deep Talks with Professor Badonkadonk."

For the last time, my ass isn't that big.

These are thick-ribbed corduroys.

I'm heading to the edge of the driveway to sell cookies.

The days of old-school selling are over.

We are going to shoot a video and make it go viral.

Can I have 100 bucks?

Is there a rich person standing behind me?

I want to spring for dinner at Winter Fest tomorrow tonight.

Trip got the tickets,

and I thought it'd be a nice gesture.

Aw, babe, you don't have to do that.

She's not going to do that.

I don't see the problem.

You have your own company, and Dad is writing some book.

For now, all the money that I make

goes right back into the business.

And your dad doesn't get paid until his book is published.