Six Feet Under

Sleek, Sophisticated, Seductive,

The new Millennium Edition Crown Royal funeral coach,

Because your loved one deserves the very best in style and comfort,

- Nathaniel Fisher. - Nathaniel?

It's Ruth. Did you take your blood pressure medication today?

- Yes. - Don't lie to me.

I took it, What do you want me to do, OD on it?

Oh, and I just realized we don't have any of that soy stuff Nate drinks.

You know, since he gave up milk. I don't know what it's called.

Why not just cut some milk with tap water? He'll never know the difference,

Look, if you don't want to go, I'll go.

It's not as if I don't have enough to do already.

I'm kidding, I'll get some.

But it has to be after I pick up Nate at the airport. I'm already running late.

Nathaniel!

- Are you smoking? - Nope.

- Yes, you are. I heard you. - I'm not, No, I'm not.

Look, forget you'll give yourself cancer and die a slow and horrible death.

You should not be stinking up that new hearse,

- I told you not to let him take it. - Like I could've stopped him.

He's as proud of that thing as your fool brother was of that damn motorcycle.

And who still has a pin in his foot?

Nathaniel, people want things to be nice when there's a funeral.

They don't want their loved ones riding in something that smells like an ashtray.

All right, look. I'm quitting right now. I promise.

Okay? I'll see you tonight.

That new hearse was a total waste of money.

There was nothing wrong with the old one.

I think your father's having some sort of midlife crisis.

It would've made more sense to invest in repaneling the chapel...

...or adding coffee bars to the slumber rooms.

Well, I'd much rather he buy himself a fancy new hearse...

...than leave me for a younger woman.

Or a woman my age, for that matter.

Or heaven forbid, a man, like my cousin Hannah's husband did.

God sure has dealt that woman some blows in this life.

Mom.

Can I do anything to help?

No, no, honey. I'm fine.

Besides, don't you have a viewing tonight?

- You should probably be getting ready. - Right.

So I enjoyed talking to you about that whole shiatsu thing.

I really hope that pans out for you.

You should let me work on you sometime.

Here's my cell number. I'll be here until the 29th.

Here you go.

My dad was supposed to meet me here.

- I could give you a ride. - I'm sure he'll be here soon enough.

I wasn't talking about that kind of ride.

You've done a nice job.

- She looks so peaceful. - Well, she is at peace now.

If there's any justice in the universe, she's shoveling shit in hell.

Excuse me.

- David Fisher. - David, it's Claire.

- Is Nate there yet? - Nope.

I thought he was coming so we could do,,,

...the forced Christmas Eve family thing. - Well...

There are some really excellent parties I could be going to.

Claire.

This is one of the few times we're all together.

Don 't get all Pat Robertson on me, I'll be there,

I have to drop some stuff off at a friend's house before I head over, okay? Bye.

Fucking Boy Scout.

Attention, passengers of flight 71,,,,

This is kind of disgusting.

- Disgusting good or disgusting bad? - Disgusting very good.

I know.

- You are so fucking hot. - You're so sweet.

I'm a sweet guy.

Shut up and fuck me.

Hello.

This is Ruth Fisher.

Yes, I'm his wife.

What is this about?

What?!

Excuse me.

Mom, what the hell are you...?

There's been an accident.

The new hearse is totaled.

Your father is dead.

Your father is dead, and my pot roast is ruined.

Oh, my God.

You carry a lot of tension around in your lower back.

Not as much as 20 minutes ago.

Just so you know...

...I never do this.

Oh, yeah. Me neither.

So...

...were you ever gonna tell me your name?

Probably not.

Why not?

Because I'm a realist.

That's my father looking for me.

Hey, Dad.

Oh, Dave, hey. Merry Christmas.

Of course I'm okay. Couldn't be better in fact.

What?

I'm so sorry, Nate. I hate to have to be the one to tell you.

This is just speed, right? Promise me this isn't crack.

I'm having Christmas Eve dinner with my demented family.

It'll be weird enough without being high on crack.

No, it's just crystal meth. It just makes everything burn a little bit brighter.

And it makes sex, like, totally primal.

Here. It's all right.

Oh, well, it's too late now.

It's mine.

Hello? David, hi.

Hang on a second.

So is Nate there yet?

No, he's still at the airport. Claire, I've got bad news.

What?

Yeah, sure.

Okay, I'm on my way.

I have to go.

- No fucking way! - Excuse me.

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

- You're coming back, right? - I don't think so.

My dad just got hit by a bus, and it broke his neck, and he's dead.

I gotta pick up my mom and bring her to the morgue so she can identify his body.

No, I'm not kidding. This is actually happening.

And now I'm high on crack!

- Crystal. - Whatever!

So I guess this whole hellish experience I'm about to go through...

...is just gonna burn a little brighter now, right?

Great! Thank you! Fuck!

You really didn't have to do this. I could've rented a car.

It's okay. You're in no shape to drive.

I'm in no hurry to get home to my family's annual Christmas Eve massacre.

Parents who stayed together for the children...

...but really because they got off on tormenting each other so much.

Manic-depressive brother...

...who always chooses the holidays to go off his medication.

And an ancient springer spaniel who's completely blind, deaf and incontinent.

What about you?

Actually, we're pretty normal.

My mom's a control freak.

My brother...

...well, he's a control freak too.

And my sister...

Well, I left home before she was born so I never really knew her that well...

...but she's kind of wild like I was. - Was?

My dad really rode my ass when I was a kid.

I couldn't go rafting because he buried a girl who drowned.

He buries this dipshit loser who OD'd at a Flock of Seagulls concert...

...and I'm not allowed to go to concerts for a year.

Your dad worked in a cemetery?

How could a man who's so scared of everything, who never had an accident...

...or a speeding ticket in his entire life, how could he have a car wreck?

Are you mad at him, or the fact that we're all gonna die?

- Are you a shrink? - No! God, no. No!

Both my parents are.

So, what else do you want to talk about?

The weather?

Or the fact that we both just fucked a perfect stranger?

And that we both lied when we said we never did that.

- Wonderful service. - Yes, it was. Very nice.

She looked so peaceful. Thank you so much.

- You're welcome. - Wonderful job.

Did you know that before you were born...

...funeral homes ran the ambulance business?

No.

Hearses were the only vehicles that could transport people lying down.

Your father used to joke about that.

"Just drive him around the block a few more times.

We won't need to stop at the hospital."

You're kind of freaking me out right now.

Claire...

...are you having sex? - What?

Or doing drugs?

Why are you asking me this right now?

Your father is dead.

I can't even remember the last time you and I talked about anything important.

I need to know you're okay.

Oh, yeah.

Believe me, I'm okay.

You know, considering.

- Do you work here? - Yes.

I wanted to compliment you on the music.

I've been to three funerals this year. Cancer, stroke, pediatric leukemia...

...and the music is always that same sad organ music.

It reminds me of soap operas my mom watched...

...before I started kindergarten. Oh, God, you're probably too young to remember.

Anyway, I so prefer this light classical, you know, chamber orchestra stuff.

It's still spiritual, but doesn't seem so dated or depressing.

I studied music appreciation.

You think I'm really boring, don 't you? Well, get used to it,

Now that your father is dead,,,

,,, you can forget about going to law school,

It's just you and dead people and freaks like me for the rest of your life!

Mom.

Mom, I'm so sorry.

Who's she?

- This is... - Brenda Chenowith.

Brenda Chenowith.

Brenda, this is my mom, Ruth Fisher.

And my sister, Claire.

- Nate, can I talk to you for a second? - Yeah, just give me a minute.

- Mom, did you already do the...? - I can't.

I've seen too many dead people in my life. They're work.

I won't see your father that way. I need you to do it.