Two and a Half Men

Tell me, Henry,

why do you want to be Mr. Schmidt's assistant?

He's my hero.

I know everything about him.

"Possible stalker."

And why do you think you're qualified?

Like him, I graduated high school at 16.

Then I completed the four-year computer science program

at Harvard in just under two years,

during which, I founded an Internet startup,

and I'm currently two semesters shy of my law degree.

So, "no law degree."

Let me tell you a few things

about Walden Schmidt you may not know.

Uh, the man is a genius.

I knew that.

"Likes to interrupt."

He thinks in a different way than the rest of us.

His mind is always working.

Every time he opens his mouth,

it's because he has something important to say.

Love the new toilet paper

you bought, Alan.

It's like sliding down a rainbow.

Except the pot at the end doesn't have any gold in it.

When you hear something this good,

you should write it down.

I'm sorry.

Who's this?

Oh, this is, uh, Henry Johnson.

He's interviewing for the assistant job.

Uh, assistant job?

Hi, Mr. Schmidt.

It's such an honor...

Eye contact.

It's okay, Henry.

Alan, can I talk to you for a second?

Uh, no problem, Mr. Schmidt.

"Hi"? Really?

Not looking good, Hank.

What's up?

Why are you interviewing Henry to be my assistant

when I just hired you to be my assistant?

Oh, no, no, he's interviewing to be myassistant.

Your assistant?

Well, intern, actually.

He's not gonna cost us a penny, and he's gonna do

all the menial stuff I don't want to do.

Well, why don't I just hire him for free

and cut out the middle man?

And in case I'm going too fast, you're the middle man.

But I'm the big picture guy.

See, bringing Henry on to Team Schmidt...

Whoa, whoa, whoa! Team Schmidt?

Yeah, I'm gonna get hats and shirts made.

Well, Henry is.

We're gonna have a new slogan.

"No bull-Schmidt."

"Schmidt happens."

You're a Schmidt head.

I hired you to be my assistant to help you out financially

'cause you had close your chiropractic office.

I didn't have to close it; I'm in a rent dispute.

People in rent disputes don't fake their own death.

Oh, I'll get that.

You are looking good today, boss.

That's why he got good toilet paper.

So my ass is clean while he's kissing it.

Huh, my 12:00 must be early.

Someone who really wanted this job

would've taken the initiative.

Too late, Harvard.

Hello.

Hi. You Alan Harper?

Yes, I am. And, uh, and you are...?

Your niece.

Eurniece?

That's a... that's a pretty name.

Is that Dutch?

No, I'm Jenny.

I'm your brother Charlie's daughter.

Uh, Henry?Yes?

Catch me.

Uh, I'm-I'm sorry,

did-did you say that you're... Charlie's daughter?

Yeah.

Listen, I got a wicked hangover.

You got any aspirin, ibuprofen, rum, Scotch, tequila, vodka?

Uh, yeah, yeah, come on in.

Uh, Henry, uh, get her an aspirin and vodka.

On it!

Kitchen's that way.Damn it!

I-I can't believe this.

I mean, I can, but I-I can't.

I mean, how did this happen?

From what my mom told me...

Ooh, can we... can we maybe turn down the lights?

That's the sun.

Right, I hate the sun.

It's like God calling you an alcoholic.

Anyway, according to my mom, it was love at first sight.

They met in a bar,

they got drunk and had sex in the bathroom.

It was like a freakin' Disney movie.

Poke-a-hot-ass.

And where did the kid go for the vodka? Poland?

Look, I don't mean to be rude,

but how do I know that you're really Charlie's daughter?

I mean, this could be some kind of scam.

I have a picture of us together.

It's in here somewhere.

Oh, look.

My vagina.

Oh, wait, that's not mine.

Oh, that's mine.

Ah, there you go.

This was taken at my fourth birthday party.

Just a heads up, I might vomit; where's the nearest bathroom?

Oh, right down the hall.

Okay, I think we're good,

but it's always nice to have a plan.

Anyway, this was party was the last time I saw him.

After that, he just sent checks.

He-he sent checks?

Yeah, my mom didn't want him to have anything to do with me,

but he always made sure I was taken care of.

He never said a word about any of this to me.

I'm his brother, his-his blood.

Were they big checks?

Yeah, got one every month.

Bastard.

My mom just called me special.

This Henry guy is awesome.

Did you know I won a spelling bee in fifth grade?

I didn't!

Who's this, Henry's assistant?

Walden, this is Jenny,

my brother's daughter.

Really?

Hi. Hi.

I, uh, didn't know Charlie had a daughter.

Neither did I.

He sent her checks, big checks.

Not that that matters now.

: Every month!

Hey, am I related

to Abercrombie & Fitch over here?

No, I own the house.

Oh. I assumed it was Alan's.

So does he.

So, uh, tell us more about you.

Not much to tell.

I was born in New York,

got kicked out of a few private schools,

tried to become a doctor to make my mom happy,

dropped out, became an actress to piss her off.

An actress, oh.

Your father loved actresses.

Yeah, I was only going to med school

so I could write myself prescriptions for oxy.

Oh, your father loved oxy.

Sorry it took so long.

Here's vodka and two aspirin.

Thank God. Oh.

I was wrong; I am gonna puke.

Your father loved to puke.

So, when I was, like, five,

my mom married this total loser named Rob.

He moved in with us and never looked for a job,

but he's been sponging off of her ever since.

Who does that?

So, uh, how long you been in L.A.?

Couple weeks.

And you got a place to stay?

He asks, knowing full well she's a Harper.

Yeah, I'm crashing at a friend's house.

That's great. Friends are great.

You should make some friends, Alan.

So, just the two of you live here?

Uh, well, my son, your cousin Jake,

uh, used to live with us, but he's in the army now.

Stationed in Japan.

Oh, that's impressive.

Because of the time difference,

he thinks he lives in the future.

Maybe we can call him and find out

when this headache's gonna go away.

Oh, and, uh, you have a grandmother.

Oh, that's great!

In theory.

When she finds out she has a granddaughter,

she's gonna have a heart attack.

You know, I'm gonna call her right now.

This is it.

This was your dad's room.

Wow.

I always tried to imagine what my dad's life was like.

It's weird to finally see it.

I never met him, but I heard he was quite a guy.

I heard he was a drunken man whore.