Parks and Recreation

- OKAY, EVERYONE. LOOK IN YOUR FOLDERS.

YOU WILL FIND INFORMATION ABOUT FOUNDER'S WEEK.

AND BEFORE WE START BRAINSTORMING,

I JUST WANNA THANK RON FOR LENDING US HIS CABIN.

LENDING?

MAKES IT SOUND LIKE I HAD A CHOICE IN THE MATTER.

I NEVER SHOULD'VE AGREED TO THIS

OR LET YOU KNOW THAT I HAVE A CABIN

OR GOTTEN TO KNOW ANY OF YOU.

THAT'S THE SPIRIT.

FOUNDER'S WEEK IS A YEARLY CELEBRATION

OF ALL THINGS PAWNEE.

WE'VE GOT A PIE-EATING CONTEST,

A GIANT PETTING ZOO,

AND THE GRANDDADDY OF THEM ALL,

THE FOUNDER'S WEEK PARADE.

I DON'T WANNA OVER-HYPE IT,

BUT OUR PARADE MAKES THE ROSE BOWL PARADE

LOOK LIKE A TURDS-ON-WHEELS CONVENTION.

LET'S DO AN EXERCISE.

APRIL, WHAT MAKES PAWNEE THE BEST CITY IN THE WORLD?

MOST MURDERS PER CAPITA.

THE GUILLOTINE WAS INVENTED HERE.

CITY HALL IS RUN BY THE WALRUS MAFIA.

- DONNA, HELP ME OUT. WHAT MAKES PAWNEE SO GREAT?

COST OF LIVING IS CHEAP.

IN ABOUT THREE YEARS, I WILL HAVE SAVED ENOUGH

TO PAY OFF MY CONDO IN SEATTLE.

- YOU HAVE A CONDO IN SEATTLE?

- YES, I LIKE THE RAIN AND THE FISH MARKETS.

- GUYS, WE NEED TO FOCUS.

I WANT THIS TO BE THE BEST FOUNDER'S WEEK EVER, OKAY?

NO MORE DISTRACTIONS. - I'M BORED.

LET'S GO HAVE SEX IN A TREE.

HE'LL BE BACK IN EIGHT MINUTES.

- WHY DID YOU HAVE TO BRING HER HERE?

- I DON'T REALLY HAVE ANY POWER IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.

I'LL THINK OF IDEAS IN THE TREE.

- ANYONE'S WELCOME TO JOIN US IN THE TREE!

*

REALLY?

OKAY. THANK YOU.

BYE.

YOU OKAY?

YEAH, I'M FINE.

GOOD MORNING,

COLLEAGUES, CO-WORKERS, FRIENDS.

EVERYONE FEELING NORMAL... TODAY?

HERE'S WHAT HAPPENED.

I LEFT MY SWEAT SHIRT AT RON'S CABIN.

WHEN I WENT BACK TO GET IT,

POSITIVE PREGNANCY TEST.

I ACCIDENTALLY THREW MY SWEAT SHIRT AWAY.

THAT'S WHY I WAS DIGGING THROUGH THE TRASH.

FOUND THAT TOO. PRETTY COOL.

SO IF MY SCIENCE IS CORRECT,

ONE OF THE FIVE WOMEN WHO WERE AT THE CABIN--

LESLIE, DONNA, ANN, MONA-LISA, OR APRIL--

IS PREGNANT!

CAN'T BE APRIL.

SHE WOULD'VE TOLD ME.

THAT LEAVES FOUR SUSPECTS.

THERE'S ONLY ONE MAN

BERT MACKLIN, FBI.

THEY SAID I WAS RETIRED.

THEY SAID I WAS TOO DANGEROUS

FOR THE PAWNEE POLICE DEPARTMENT.

TURNS OUT THEY WERE RIGHT...

AND WRONG.

MACKLIN, YOU SON OF A BITCH.

HELLO, FELLOW PAWNEEANS.

AS YOU KNOW, THE FOUNDER'S WEEK FESTIVITIES

KICK OFF TOMORROW.

UM, ONE SMALL ANNOUNCEMENT:

DUE TO A TRAGIC MISUNDERSTANDING,

THE PRETTIEST PIG BEAUTY PAGEANT

HAS BEEN REPLACED BY A PORK RIB BARBECUE COMPETITION.

OH, NO.

BUT ON TO LESS GRISLY NEWS,

THANK YOU FOR PARTICIPATING

IN OUR SPECIAL FOUNDER'S WEEK PUBLIC FORUM

LED BY COUNCILWOMAN LESLIE KNOPE.

- THANKS TO A LOT OF HARD WORK

AND SOME VERY DEDICATED CIVIL SERVANTS,

THIS HAS BEEN A BANNER YEAR FOR OUR CITY.

OBESITY AND DIABETES ARE DOWN.

TEST SCORES ARE UP.

PAWNEE RACCOON ATTACKS HAVE DECREASED.

PEOPLE CAN NOW SUDDENLY FEEL SAFE

IN OUR PARKS, GROCERY STORES, AND HOSPITALS.

I AM VERY PROUD OF WHAT WE'VE ACCOMPLISHED.

IN FACT, THIS FORUM IS KIND OF MY VICTORY LAP.

I AM HERE TODAY TO ASK YOU ONE QUESTION.

ARE YOU BETTER OFF NOW THAN YOU WERE A YEAR AGO?

WHO'D LIKE TO START? UH-OH.

- KATHRYN PINEWOOD, PAWNEE RESTAURANT ASSOCIATION.

THIS TOWN IS NOT BETTER OFF.

THIS PAST YEAR HAS BEEN A DISASTER,

AND THIS GOVERNMENT IS HELL-BENT

ON STRIPPING AWAY OUR MOST BASIC PERSONAL FREEDOMS.

OKAY, COUNTERPOINT.

- MS. PINEWOOD, I'VE NEVER STRIPPED AWAY ANYONE'S FREEDOMS.

I SIMPLY STOPPED A RESTAURANT

FROM SERVING AN INSANE 500-OUNCE SODA TO ITS CUSTOMERS,

WHICH ONLY MADE OUR CITIZENS HEALTHIER.

AND FRANKLY, I DON'T SEE ANY OF THOSE CITIZENS

STANDING UP AND COMPLAINING ABO--

OKAY. NOW, I SEE THEM.

- WHOA! DARREN! SLOW DOWN!

THAT SWEAT SUIT'S NOT FOR SWEATIN' IN, OKAY?

THIS IS CRUSHED VELVET.

IF YOU GO AT MORE THAN A BRISK WALK,

IT WILL FALL APART.

THIS LOOKS DOPE. LET'S PAY FOR IT.

BUSINESS IS BOOMING.

IF IT KEEPS UP LIKE THIS, I WOULD LEAVE THE PARKS DEPARTMENT

AND DO RENT-A-SWAG FULL-TIME, MAYBE EVEN EXPAND.

I COULD ADD A BABY SECTION OVER THERE,

CALL IT "LI'L SWAGGERS."

I COULD ADD SOME OLD PEOPLE STUFF,

CALL IT "RENT-A-SAG."

UGH, NO. OLD PEOPLE ARE GROSS.

OH. NICE.

- HEY, DINGDONG! CAN I GO HOME?

MY TUM-TUM FEELS GROSS,

AND ALSO, I HATE WORKING.

- I GUESS, BUT FIND SOMEONE TO COVER FOR YOU, OKAY?

'CAUSE WE'RE REALLY BUSY RIGHT NOW.

ALSO, A LAWYER GUY CALLED YOU.

HE SOUNDED REALLY SEXY ON THE PHONE,

AND I WAS VERY INTO THAT.

LIKE, I WAS, LIKE, VERY INTO THAT.

- ALL RIGHT, LET'S SET UP SOME BOUNDARIES

ON WHAT'S COOL FOR YOU TO SAY TO ME, OKAY?

- OKAY. I FRENCHED MY COUSIN ONE TIME.

THAT'S GROSS.

- I MIGHT STILL BE IN LOVE WITH HIM.

- PLEASE LEAVE. - ALL RIGHT, BYE.

- TOM HAVERFORD, MY NAME IS TREVOR NELSSON.

I REPRESENT A CLIENT WHO WOULD LIKE TO MAKE YOU AN OFFER.

- BABYFACE HEARD MY DEMO?

I WILL ACCEPT A RECORD DEAL.

- NO, YOU DEEPLY MISUNDERSTAND.

MY CLIENT HAS TAKEN AN INTEREST IN RENT-A-SWAG.

HE'D LIKE TO KNOW IF YOU ARE LOOKING

TO SELL A CONTROLLING INTEREST IN THE STORE.

- WHOA, DIDDY WANTS TO BUY RENT-A-SWAG?

- NOT WHAT I SAID. - THIS IS A LOT TO PROCESS.

WILL DIDDY BE COMING TO THE MEETING?

- I'M NOT AT LIBERTY TO TELL YOU WHO MY CLIENT IS.

IT WOULD VIOLATE CONFIDENTIALITY.

- I UNDERSTAND. - IT'S NOT DIDDY.

GOT IT.

- OH. - OH, HELLO...ANN.

- OH, BOY. WHAT DO YOU WANT, MACKLIN?

- ME? JUST OBSERVING.

A LITTLE SOMETHING THEY TAUGHT US DOWN AT QUANTICO.

WELL, I GUESS I'LL GET OUT OF YOUR HAIR.

WAIT, THERE IS JUST ONE MORE QUESTION.

CONGRATULATIONS. - IS THAT A QUESTION?

- IT'S AN ACCUSATION, 'CAUSE I KNOW YOUR SECRET.

YOU'RE PREGNANT. - WHAT? I'M NOT PREGNANT.

- YOU'RE NOT? DAMN IT. WHO IS?

'CAUSE I FOUND THIS AT RON SWANSON'S CABIN.

IT'S A PREGNANCY TEST. - OH, MY GOD.

SOMEONE WE KNOW IS PREGNANT?

I'M TRYING TO GET PREGNANT. THAT'S NOT FAIR.

I MEAN, GREAT, AND HAPPY FOR THEM,

AND CONGRATULATIONS, WHATEVER,

BUT OOH! NO! BOO!

WE HAVE TO FIND OUT WHO THIS IS.

- WHOA, I DON'T THINK SO. BERT MACKLIN WORKS ALONE.

I WILL BUY LUNCH.

YOU CAN HAVE AS MANY BURGERS AS YOU WANT.

WELCOME TO THE FBI.

- MS. PINEWOOD, LESLIE'S PUBLIC HEALTH INITIATIVE

HAS BEEN A HUGE SUCCESS.

PAWNEE IS NO LONGER THE FOURTH MOST OBESE CITY IN AMERICA.

WE'RE NOW NINTH.

- TOGETHER, AS A TOWN, WE LOST

AN AMOUNT OF WEIGHT EQUAL TO 800 PREGNANT MANATEES.

- A GYM OPENED, AND IT STAYED IN BUSINESS.

AND PEOPLE CHECKING INTO THE E.R.

AFTER INGESTING A WHOLE CANDY WRAPPER IS DOWN 40%.

- BUT WHERE WILL IT END?

NOW, YOU WANNA ROB OUR CHILDREN OF FUN

BY ATTACKING THE SWEETUMS SCHOOL LUNCH PROGRAM,

LITERALLY TAKING CANDY FROM BABIES.

- THOSE SCHOOL LUNCHES ARE INCREDIBLY UNHEALTHY.

YOU SOMEHOW CONVINCED THE SCHOOL BOARD

THAT NAPKINS ARE A VEGETABLE.

- THEY'RE MADE FROM PLANTS.

STOP RESTRICTING OUR FREEDOMS.

.

- YEAH, MY NAME IS DEWEY FROM SANITATION.

EVER SINCE YOU STRIPPED US OF OUR FREEDOMS

BY MAKING US HIRE WOMEN,

WE'VE HAD TO TURN ONE OF OUR BATHROOMS

INTO A WOMAN'S BATHROOM.

WE ONLY HAVE ONE BATHROOM NOW.