Friday Night Dinner

House is looking good. Outdoor bathroom. Nice touch.

Very Roman. Isn't it?

Hello bambinos.

Professor Bossoms.

'All right, Dad? What?

Oh, excuse the shithole. It is a shithole.

When are they gonna finish? Who knows? The year 70 billion.

What's wrong with the toilet now? Well read the note, you cretin!

"Bog Buggered"

They've buggered everything these builders - the bog, the boiler, the electrics.

I told Mum they'll probably start buggering each other soon.

And they've buggered it up in there as well!

That looks nice.

Yeah, your mother decided she wanted some red in the house.

So we started painting and then we realised that it looked...

...like a whore house? Yep.

Where's Mum? In the shed.

The shed? What's she doing there? Hiding.

Hiding? Yeah, from the mouse.

What mouse? Mum saw a mouse in here.

She saw a mouse in here? There's a mouse in the house?

Yeah. The builders must have buggered up it's lair or something.

Mouse lair.

Now she won't come back in until I find the wretched thing which means I'm the one making sodded dinner.

God help us. Yes, help us o' lord. I know.

Might as well be boiling a table. Let's go see her then.

Where was the mouse? Er, over there.

Bugger.

You all right, Mum?

Has he found it? What?

The mouse. Has he found the mouse? Er, not yet, but I'm sure it'll...

I'm not going back in until he's found it.

Aw Mum! What?

That means Dad's making dinner. Yeah, so?

We might die. We will die!

I'm sorry! You know what I'm like about mice.

Total psycho? Exactly.

Well? I found it. It's gone.

You found it? Really?

Yes. Really.

You really found it? I really found it and then I really killed it.

Aww! Poor mouse! Never mind poor mouse. Poor Mum!

How'd you kill it?

What? How did you kill the mouse?

I strangled it.

Martin!

Does it matter how I killed it? The bloody thing's dead.

Well where is it then? Look, if you don't believe me, I'll show it to you.

Both pieces. Aaargh!

No, that's okay. Aw, well done. My hero.

Erm, so does that mean you'll be making... Yes! Make all a lovely dinner.

Oh, you've been so brave.

Did you really find the mouse? No.

Well what if it turns up again?

It won't turn up. What? You've trained it, have you?

Ah, shut up! Pass me the screwdriver, simpleton.

You know Mum will have a heart attack. Is that a bad thing?

Right. 'Ere.

Oh! Blimey!

Now, careful. Some of these might be live.

Live? Bloody hell, Dad! The thing is, which ones?

Martin, where are the...

What are you doing? Making a bomb.

Well, don't make a mess on the carpet.

Have you seen the little bowls?

Aw, god. That'll be Jim. I know it.

Why does he have to come round when the house is such a shithole?!

Hi Jim. Sorry we're just...

Hello, Johnny. Adam.

I just thought if your Dad needed any help with anything around the house...

Thanks, but he's doing the electrics, so... Electrics!

C'mon Wilson.

Are you qualified to do electrics? That depends what you mean by "qualified".

Now then Martin...

Hello Jackie. Oh you look nice.

Oh thanks, Jim. We're just about to have dinner.

Are we? Er, "we" are. Yes.

Oh yes. Of course. I was just helping Martin with...er,

...what were we doing? The wiring.

"The wiring".

Careful you don't touch these...

Shit! Shit on it!

Oh my god! Martin! He touched the bleedin' wire!

Is he dead? Jim!

Jim! I told him not to bleedin' touch it!

What are we gonna do? We'll have to try and resuscitate him!

Er, how?

Well, somebody's going to have give him the "Kiss of Life".

Bye. Goodbye.

Boys!

Martin, go and give Jim the "Kiss of Life". I'm not kissing a man.

No way! Me either!

Thankyou very much!

Aw god!!

Wilson! Jim, it's me. Jackie.

Jackie...oh Jackie! Erm...Jim...

Jim. You can let go now. C'mon Jim. Well done, luv.

Well done, Mum.

You've had a nasty shock. Are you okay?

I think I might need a little bit more...

How do you feel now?

Like I've been forced to eat pins and... somebody's got a big magnet.

Okay. ...And also I'm on fire.

But otherwise, you're...? Otherwise, I'm fine, fine.

Has "Nut Features" gone yet? Not yet!

Not yet, Martin.

Sorry. I didn't see you there.

I'm sure you'll be wanting to get back home soon.

I probably shouldn't be moved too quickly. I do feel a terrible hunger all of a sudden.

Erm, why don't I get you some biscuits. Thankyou. Can I have twelve?

Are you mad? Adam, we've got to ask him for dinner!

Mum, there is now way. Yeah, Mum. No way!

Boys!

I agree. What are you talking about?

"Nut Features" staying for dinner. There is no way!

Sorry, we almost killed the man. The least we can do is feed him.

Mum, he isn't staying. I can't send him home!

I can. Shut up, Martin!

Well, he's not having any crumble. Crimble crumble! Absolutely not!

Yeah, no way is he having any crumble.

Okay. Alright. Comin' in here and eating our crumble...

Johnny, hide the crumble. Good idea.

Hide the crumble? Where shall I hide it?

In here.

What are you doing?

Well done, Johnny.

You're horrible!

Yes?

Hello. Oh, hi Jim. You all right?

Well, the shaking's mainly stopped.

Good. Good.

I managed to do wee-wee without making too much of a mess.

Well done.

So, I better be off, I suppose. C'mon Wilson.

Are you sure you're all right? Oh yes, Jackie. You mustn't worry about me.

I'll be fine. Fine.

Bye, bye all!

Friends.

Jim, would you like to stay for... Dinner?

Oh Jackie! Jackie!

Friday night dinner with you!... ...and...the others.

Did you hear that, Wilson? We've been invited for a real Jewish dinner!

Right. Well. Best get changed! There's really no need.

No Jackie. Must get changed into my finery. It's a special night. A very special night!

Bye all! C'mon Wilson.

What?!

Oh, where is he? So we're definitely agreed then, yeah?

He comes in - "Hello Jackie. Hello Jim". Three second chat.

Straight in here. Food already on plates.

No crumble because we didn't make any crumble, remember?

Yes! Food in gob. Dinner done. Proceed to front door.

"Goodbye Jackie. Goodbye Jim." Yep, that's what we do.

You're so cruel. We're sticking to it.

Ooh, the potatoes.

Sorry, but I'm starving.

Erm...Dad? What?

Your little friend.

Jesus! Oh shit! shit! You've trained it very well.

The shitting thing!

What are you doing? What?

Do you want to burn the house down?

Why were you whacking the candles like that? Um, I got angry.

At what?

The candles just suddenly angered me.