Premature

All right, so here's how you can tell, in order of weirdness,

that this is a dream.

First off, I'm having sex.

Second, I'm on a heart-shaped bed with red rubber sheets.

Nice.

Are those beakers?

Yep, I'm in my chemistry class.

That's third.

And this woman is just perfect.

I mean, look at her.

Those eyes... those lips...

Those three tits.

I would tell you the fifth, but this is about the time where I...

# I'm bit part player in the story of my life #

# And I can't wake up, but I just won't sleep at night #

# But maybe I'm alive and maybe I'm dead #

# The things you say went around my head #

# Empty words that sound like shit to me #

# Turn around, round, round, round, round, round #

# Turn it around #

# Turn around, round, round, round, round, round #

Just... throw the sheets in the laundry, hon.

It's okay.

She's in the laundry room.

Sit down.

I should probably be going to school, so...

We both know how important

today's interview is.

Dad, I really don't need

another pep talk.

When you were benched in

little league and your team played with eight players,

I said nothing.

When you were bullied by Sally Levinson...

I said nothing.

When you lost the class presidency to a raccoon...

He was the school mascot.

I said nothing.

But this is too important to me to just sit idly by and say nothing.

So, come on. Please.

Okay. Fine.

I want you to wear this during the interview.

This is my old headband from

when I rowed crew at Georgetown.

But... I don't row crew.

Oh, God. This smells like crotch.

That's the smell of a champion.

Today you have a huge opportunity.

Today you'll make me proud.

It would save me time if I would

just put down newspaper on his... bed.

# I was supposed to do great things #

# I know the road was long #

# But I wasn't raised to shoot for fame #

# I had the safety on #

# Ooh, ooh, ooh #

# I cut my ties, I sold my rings #

# I wanted none of this #

# If you start from scratch, you have to sing #

# Just for the fun of it #

Cute dress!

Hello, Lisa.

Why is he near us?

Have a good day at school.

Rob!

Yo, Rob!

Ah!

Oh.

Hey, are you okay?

Shh.

So, I'm about to blow my load

when Lisa says, "wait."

She then stands up, gets dressed,

turns to me and says,

"Okay. Come now."

And boom.

I came.

Huh.

How does a high school chick

learn mind control like that?

Maybe some sort of magnet school for the sexually advanced?

You're gonna love sex.

It's like jerking off with the

best sock on the planet.

Wait.

What?

Why are you dressed like Ellen Degeneres?

I have my interview today.

I'm not dressed like Ellen.

So, what are you gonna do if you don't get in?

Hey. No. Shut up, okay?

I have to get in.

Don't jinx me.

So I'll kill a chicken.

Relax.

Hey, man. You want to come over tonight?

I'm playing "Grand Theft Auto" online with that kid from the Balkans.

You know, he sent me this fucked-up YouTube clip.

Some mma guy got punched in the

nuts so hard he shit himself and came.

Wow, uh, as much as I'd love to see that, Gabrielle and I are

watching the spelling bee tonight.

Hi, guys.

The dork super bowl?

No, dude, it's, like,

trembling kids, terrified of disappointing their watching parents.

I mean, it's like watching

televised child abuse.

It's fucking awesome.

They don't get punched, but they do shit themselves.

Huh.

And a good morning to you both.

Hey, Gabs.

Thanks.

Arthur.

What time you flying out, Artie?

Funny, Stanley.

Too bad the special Olympics doesn't have a comedy competition.

So, Rob, Gabrielle told me your Georgetown interview is today.

Uh, yeah.

I'm a little nervous.

Want me to put in a good word?

They've been on my jock about going there full ride since I was in middle school.

Really? Since middle school?

It's a lot of pressure for a 7-year-old.

Good morning.

Morning, Mr. Hughes.

Arthur, I thought you were going to be here early.

Excuse me for a second.

Get off my scrotum, Mr. Hughes. I have your lesson plan, but

what I don't have is my money.

It's in my classroom.

Then let's go.

I'm sorry, guys. I have to handle this.

And, Rob, feel free to drop my name in the interview.

I can't believe your pre-pub neighbor sells homework to teachers.

Yeah, and how is he so confident?

He has one eyebrow and it's thicker than Sam elliott's mustache.

Aw, he can't help the eyebrow. He's Armenian.

Yeah, poor kid.

Poor kid? No, you should mow that thing. It's embarrassing.

Says the guy who has been not-so-subtly adjusting his cup.

It's an athletic supporter.

It rides up sometimes.

In his defense, Gabrielle, a little discomfort is far better

than getting kicked in he balls every day for a semester.

That happened in the 9th grade. It hasn't happened since.

It's not something one just forgets, Gabrielle.

The 9th grade was my ballocaust.

Never again.

I got beer for tonight. You excited?

Oh, sweet. How?

Just threw it in the cart at the shop 'n save.

My mom thought my dad put it in

and my dad thought he put it in, so it worked out perfectly.

Hey, so, it is your last chance to change your bet,

unless you really think that

Mona panchal will take it all.

Um, some stats...

All right.

She is a 13-year-old

up-and-comer from Kansas via Mumbai with a nervous twitch.

She placed 12th two years ago, 5th last year. This is her year.

Also, it is too late to change your bets because the first round has started.

I'm just really excited for

Pongsaklek Wonjongkam to eat Mona for l-u-n-c-h.

Right. Is Pongsaklek a boy or a girl?

Yeah, I have no idea.

Exactly.

But if it can spell its own name, it can spell anything.

So, I was thinking we could drink every time somebody asks

for alternate pronunciations.

Or... or every time someone asks for alternate pronunciations, we could cut ourselves.

Yeah, sure.

Yo, Rob! Y...

Hey! Are you kidding me?

You're volleyball players.

You don't get to pick on people.

Set me.

No!

Ooh! Damn.

It's piss.

Those assholes pissed on me.

Okay.

Well, that'll dry by the interview.

Yeah, but he smells like a urinal cake.

I do. I do smell like a urinal cake.

Okay, guys, I have my test next period. I got to go. Um...

Stanley, go to the lost and found, get Rob a new pair of pants.

I won't let you down, buddy. Watch out! Pants emergency!

Stay calm.

All right? Take a deep breath.

Keep the recruiter's face away from your junk.

And it's gonna be great.

Okay?

Thanks, Gabs.

Just text me with bee updates, okay?

I will.

Okay, these aren't ideal,

but they didn't have a lot to choose from.