The Windsors

The British people need someone to look up to.

They think you're ridiculous.

If I'm so ridiculous, how come I've got these medals?

Give the people of Britain a referendum...

on the abolition of the monarchy.

They all want you to be the next king.

Skip a generation!

Let's put the wealth back into the Commonwealth,

and the gland back into Eng-gland.

Those two haven't seen the last of us.

I can't believe the general public don't want me to be king.

What do you expect? To them you're just a dithery bloke with big ears.

Mick Jagger and Rod Stewart think I'm great.

Only because you gave them knighthoods.

That's totally irrelevant.

They're anti-Establishment rebels who don't give a fig for convention.

Well, what do you think it's like for me?

I was going to rule this land with an icy fist

and plunge it into an eternal winter.

I've got my Christmas list to finish.

Out of the way, plebs!

Now, you did remember -

joke presents for the adults, proper presents for the kids?

Oh, yes. That's why I got Camilla this hat.

Oh, she'll love it. And what have you got baby Charlotte?

A 16-bedroom mansion in Berkshire.

Perfect.

Look, Wills - it's your people.

Hi, guys.

Merry Christmas. You're so normal,

despite being inherently better than us!

Of course. We're just like you.

Now, do you have a present for us?

This is Westminster Abbey. I made it entirely out of matchsticks.

Oh, it's wonderful. Ooh!

Sorry.

That's all right, Your Royal Highness.

I'll make you another. No, I like this one.

Here we are - Sandringham.

Never quite as Christmassy as I remember it.

Who is there, and state your business?

It's us, Auntie Anne - Wills and Kate.

We've come for Christmas!

Have you?

Auntie Anne?

So good to be here.

I can't remember the last time we had a break.

I think it was six days ago in Mustique.

We've got everything we need to make this the best Christmas ever.

Except one thing, Eugenie - Daddy.

Leave it out, Bea. We've got no way of getting hold of him.

I sent him a letter. Addressed to where?

All the countries on Amnesty's abuse of human rights letters.

That's brilliant.

Mummy!

Hello, girls.

Oh, girls, wasn't it nice of Charles to invite me this year?

He's probably seen the quiet dignity you use to flog your juicers

on the shopping channel.

Yes, and finally realised I'm not trading on my royal connections

with my Duchess of York Right Royal Juicer.

"Make every breakfast fit for a queen."

Oh, Mummy, if you hadn't married into the royal family,

you'd probably be a top-flight businesswoman

with your own international cooperation by now.

No, girls, YOU'LL be the ones to smash through the glass ceiling,

for all women.

Oh, no!

I forgot my hair straighteners!

Anne!

Got the tree up? Shall I put a few more baubles on?

It's already fully decorated.

The Queen isn't here this year, Catherine, so...

Anne, as I said before, please, call me Kate - it's friendlier.

Yes, I recall the conversation well, Catherine.

Now, the Queen isn't here this year so Camilla...

Yes, I know about the Queen,

which is why I thought I might run things this year.

What's all this? Yes, that's right.

You deserve a rest at your age.

Forgive me, Kate. Do you really think your gypsy heritage

equips you for a task of this size?

Christmas lunch at Sandringham isn't the same as

frying up a squirrel on a caravan stove.

I'll manage. Don't forget, my family's business is party planning.

No, I'll never forget that.

Well, that's settled, then.

You know, you SHOULD be in charge.

And, as such, you should have the choicest room -

the Queen Mother's suite.

But that room is... Anne,

she wants to be mistress this year

so she should have the mistress's room.

Well, maybe that does make sense, because I'm going to make

this Christmas the jolliest one Sandringham has ever seen.

And with Anne to help you, I'm almost certain you'll succeed.

What are you doing here?

You said I could come.

Not to the house!

Do you really think I'd have YOU in the house?

You? In the house?

But I brought you a juicer.

If I'd wanted a juicer, don't you think I'd have bought it myself?

Have you no idea how much money I've got?

Where are the girls and I going to stay?

In the stables.

This is a bit odd.

Oh, my God, Harry, this isn't a celebrity charity auction at all!

This is a soup kitchen.

No, I don't know. Isn't that Bob Geldof?

Your Highness, thanks so much for coming down.

It'll mean so much to the guys.

Let's get you a ladle.

They actually think we're going to serve soup!

It's... Yeah, no, sorry, we've got to go, because...

..we've got to go. Oh.

Well, we could stay for an hour.

So, who are you?

I'm Ellie. Ellie Goulding.

What ARE you doing?!

No fires to be lit till after six o'clock.

Just thought I'd warm the place up a bit.

If you're cold, I suggest you wear these - Prince Albert's long johns.

So, where are Gran and Grandad this year?

There's a card from Grandpapa on the mantelpiece.

"Dear fuckers,

"It's too bastard cold.

"We've fucked off to that Polynesian island where I'm worshipped as a god.

"If anything comes up, say I've got another urinary tract infection.

"Fuck off. Grandad."

Look, Dad, I'm sorry they made me the next in line instead of you,

but it was a referendum and we must respect the public's decision.

The public voted Angels by Robbie Williams as the best song of all time -

what does that say about the public?

They're cretins - that's what!

They are not! Take the recent EU referendum.

The great British public considered the question from every angle -

the loss in GDP, the decline in overseas investment,

the collapse in sterling.

They didn't just say, "We don't like Polish people," and vote to leave.

Well, everyone in the village wants me to be king.

You own that village.

Technically you still have the medieval right

to have sex with any woman there. Yes...technically.

Give me one good reason why I shouldn't be king.

All right, you're arrogant, you're self-absorbed,

and you never listen.

So you're saying I'm too handsome to be king?

No, you never listen!

The people didn't want you, they wanted me -

someone modern and in touch.

I am in touch!

I'm going to listen to The Goons.

George III!

Yes! Do you like my wig?

Um, yeah.

I don't think it's very convincing,

but I am also the ghost of Christmas past and I'm here to show you

that your father should be king.

I can't let Dad be king - he's too flawed.

Well, we all are, to a certain extent - even me.

Oh, yeah, you're the king who lost America, aren't you?

That's right. It's a very backward little country.

Nothing ever came of it, did it?

No, no, not really.

Good. Now...

..let us pay a visit to your father's Christmas past.

Stop it, both of you.

Dad? Dad!

I'm afraid he can't hear you.

What on earth's this about? He said I'd never make it as a show-jumper!

And she said I'd never make it as a semi-respectable businessman!

You'll both make it in your respective fields.

That's why I've baked you these organic biscuits.

Anne, yours is in the shape of a pony. Ooh!

Andrew, yours is a surface-to-air missile system.

Now, shake hands.

So he wasn't arrogant or self-absorbed, and he did listen to people?

What happened? You're about to find out.

Why are you still here, you jug-eared loser?

Daddy!

The bus to Gordonstoun is here.

Now, get on it!

Goodbye, old friend.

You see, it was Gordonstoun that, er...

What's the phrase? It's on the tip of my tongue...

Fucked him up. It's very sad,

but it doesn't mean he's going to make a good king.

But all those excellent qualities are still there.

Then why did the people choose me?

And are you really the best judge? You were mad for ten years.

Yes, but I'm not mad now, as my physician will no doubt tell you.

Um, there's no physician there.

If I had a shilling for every time someone said that to me...

Good luck.

Come on, girls. It's not that bad.

We can make Christmas decorations out of straw.

Any news from Dad?

Girls, you know that Christmas is an international arms dealer's busiest time.

It'd take a miracle to get him here now.